Saturday, August 1, 2015

Beach Moon

i've been having a rocky last couple of weeks.  i've been prone to depression since i was a teenager, so as you can imagine, that sneaky worm is apt wriggle itself into my brain and cause some damage as i push on through long days with three young ones.  i'm lucky.  i'm lucky to live in a beautiful town surrounded by nature and friends.  trouble is, i've gotten so used to pushing through for the past 6 months that i can hardly recognize just how tired and run down i am.  i can hardly even admit it to myself.  i deny myself the freedom to recognize it because i feel like i am in survival mode and if i allow myself to crack a little, everything will fall apart.  i will fall apart.  and i can't.  

it happened anyway last weekend.  i had a good cry out of nowhere.  after a long day that ended at 1030pm, i hopped on over to a girlfriend's house with a mutual friend.  i haven't ever spent much time with them, but it was the first time in a while that things felt right.  perhaps it was the intoxication at work, but i felt ok to express myself.  up until that point, i had seemingly mucked up a few things with other friends and as usual took things far too personally to the point where my paranoia had me feeling like my friends were upset with me and didn't want to be around me.  typical cancer.  technology doesn't contribute anything good either.  on the contrary it makes it much much worse and fuels the panic and anxiety that have already made their permanent residence in my chest.  

i've spent the week having anxiety late at night trying to figure out what is real and what is in my head.  it's easy for me to connect dots and fabricate things that may not be there.  sometimes i like to convince myself that it's helpful when i need to be creative.  after many deep breaths and talking myself out of these fabrications, i'm feeling calmer…

this week has been gorgeous in terms of sunsets.  if you are on instagram i'm sure you have had your fair share of sunset photos drowning out your feed.  the moon was full and the sky was lovely so i dragged the family out to try to take a few photos.  they aren't spectacular, but they are real.  they aren't curated to death like the many photos we see and i am trying to make peace with myself over it.  funny how my go-to phrase has become Frozen's tagline

let it go.

i'm trying to let go of things that are shaking me up.  i'm trying to not get overwhelmed though the amount of work to be done on the house is hard to swallow, especially when i have to look at all the things that need to be finished every single day, with only one month left of good weather…  DEEP BREATH.

i need to let it go and i need to set time aside for me.


Friday, July 24, 2015

7 Months

i was so late with 6 months it is no wonder it feels like 7 months caught up too quickly.

despite having already been trained with two kids 18 months apart, i still often feel like i have wandered into uncharted waters.  terms like expert  and veteran get tossed around, and yes, having had experience certainly helps with the third, but sometimes it still feels like "the first time".   if you think of it, it is technically "the first time" because you have never had to juggle 3 before.  when people ask me what it's like, i tell them it's exactly like juggling (not that i know how to juggle balls or fruit or circus pins that are on fire…), once you learn to juggle 2 you can figure out three but you gotta be faster.  this, of course, causes you to burnout faster and harder.  it's weird.  on one hand it doesn't seem harder, but it definitely it.  i guess the jump from 2 to 3 is less of an exponential jump than from 1 to 2.  plus, there is the plus of having Malcolm 4 years younger.  oh god, 4 years.  why does that feel like such a big gap?  i'm sure it will close over time.

my mind is wandering.

on one hand it feels like it should be a "piece of cake" and the expert/veteran labels yaddi yaddi yadda, but truthfully, it still is a challenge to juggle three.  some days i feel like i can handle it and other days i feel like i am kidding myself.  sometimes i play up the Expert when people offer help and other times i get frustrated when people don't offer to help.  it's a weird thing.

mom guilt.  sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
if i were eating it i would be well over 10,000lbs right now between the 3 of them.

i wallow in what feels like a quicksand of guilt day in and day out.
it's my fault that Moses is like this, it's my fault Chloe does that, and it's my fault that Malcolm will do these things.

today, i tried to switch things around.  all the things i would normally ask Moses to do, i asked Chloe to do them.  hmmm, i was about to type vice versa but i actually didn't.  i need to ask Chloe to take on more responsibility and i need to spend more quality time with Moses.  if i had to make one general change, i guess that would be it.  Moses continues to blow me away with his intelligence and Chloe shocks me in comparison with some of the "obvious" questions she asks me.  sometimes i wonder if i don't realize how blonde i may be and if i have passed this down to Chloe.  (no offence, blondies, i wish i had the balls to go blonde but we all know i would look ridiculous)

last week, i heard a wise lady say:
First One makes the rules
Second One breaks the rules
Third One has no rules

this makes sense but it gives me an overwhelming tightening in my chest.
and then i try to calm myself down by telling myself that the world needs ALL THREE of these kinds of people.  someone definitely makes the rules, but sometimes rules need to be broken and sometimes having no rules lead to new ideas.  or is that just me painting a silver lining on that cloud of thought?  i've always liked lipstick on pigs…

why am i talking about this, this was supposed to be 7 month updates for Malcolm, not a journey into my terrified leftover ruins of what used to be an average psyche.

oh yes, MOM GUILT.  mom guilt over being so behind on things for Malcolm.  mom guilt over how i am totally parenting him like he is the third child.  BUT HE IS THE THIRD CHILD.  is it because i'm not a perfectionist???  i don't know, i can't imagine a perfectionist being capable of parenting each child to the same level as that first baby.  everything was new and scary and you couldn't fuck up this new life that you have just created so you went totally insane over everything only to realize this new little life is super resilient and now you have just nurtured OCD and anxiety and control freakiness into their poor little body.  but i guess the world needs those people to whip us all into shape.  seriously, the only motivation that gets me to clean my house is to think of the houses that belong to all my OCD friends.

Malcolm is still sleeping in our room at 7 months.  ok it's 3 days off, so unofficial 7 months.  i'm pretty sure Moses was out at 6 months?  i think he went straight into the tiny office at our condo once we moved into it.  he was 5 months when we moved in…  and then we started sleep training him at…

May 10 2011
ALRIGHT.  onto the next subject: CRYING IT OUT PART II
It's the first night i'm trying out CIO with coco.  i just did the 15 minute check up.  i'm a little worried though...i mean i don't know how early is ok to do this.  she's coming up on 5 months which is much earlier than when we did this with moses.  she is extremely upset right now.  just checked, it was in february so he was about 8-9 months!  holy cow, so this is like half the time?  she just stopped crying...  well, she's passed out.   so 40 mins.  *exhale*  so i don't know what to do now when she wakes up in the middle of the night? arch.

OH SWEET!!!! 8-9 MONTHS FOR MOSES!  I AM RIGHT ON TRACK!  YES!!!!!  cross off that Mom Guilt

i've tried it on and off but it just doesn't really work when their crib is 6 inches away from your bed, sandwiched between you and the wall.  it just makes them more pissed off when they can see you or hear you breathing or moving in the middle of the night.  also, the room is bright and we did CIO with both kids with blackout blinds.  we JUST bought a set at IKEA this evening since our old one was trashed by the kids and we didn't know we were having a third…  anyway, the plan is to move Mal's crib into the kids' bedroom (hahaha, revenge is mine!!!!) in place of Moses' lego shelving unit so that their room is JUST for sleeping.  the lego shelf will move into the office which is currently the biggest dump you can imagine.  my computer desk is a plasting folding table and my desk-to-be is sitting right beside me.  i really just wanted to get something that was, you know, READY TO GO, but kevin found this desk and convinced me that the drawers would help organize me.  i conceded, but it had NO LEGS and NO TABLETOP.  his brother-in-law took a few weeks to make up new legs (they are absolutely BEAUTIFUL!) but we still have no tabletop.  we found one at IKEA tonight but of course they were all out of it until tomorrow evening.  so, once we get the top, i can move my computer and fold up this giant table and make some room to sort of turn this second bedroom into an office/playroom until the mudroom is ready to be used as a mudroom/office, at which point, chloe can have this room.

i've also been lazy about the bottle-feeding and Malcolm has been intermittent with it, no surprise.  i need to enforce having him have at least ONE bottle a day, i think to get it on his list of things he likes to have.  i feel like it may help the crying-it-out situation since the bottle OF FORMULA is at least one small step of separation between us, and if i can have him "need" a bottle instead of "need" my tits and "need" formula instead of "need" breast milk, then it will make everything easier.  i'm thankful i have had enough milk this last time round to be able to breastfeed him exclusively, but i really really should have got him on bottle and formula right away to eliminate this current situation.  i'm pretty sure that if i had put him on the bottle as a baby, he could probably almost feed himself with a bottle right now.  UGH.  be careful what you wish for, it will come true and then bite you in the ass!  

Malcolm has 5 frigging teeth.
they just keep coming and i can't decide if i am happy about it or not.  initially, i was not because he was a nasty clingy napless butthole that i had to carry around all hours of the day.  i couldn't do ANYTHING, my arm was aching and my hand was going numb.  trying to do CIO with a teething baby is the antithesis of what a parent should be doing.  thankfully, kevin found these awesome homeopathic teething pills that have worked WONDERS!!!!  also, FYI, the teeth have taken a few chomps on me and it hurts like hell.

he is up on all fours all the time, up and down, officially doing the hump and even going from all fours to sitting position and back again!  

he's no doubt going to be a chatty cathy like the other two yammer jammers, he's got lots to say.  he's a pretty easy going guy, pretty chill and likes to laugh.  i love carrying him over to see his big sibs when he has woken up and is grumpy because he always has big smile and does his little jumps in my arm, excited and happy to see his bodyguards.

he likes to eat but the second he is done, he goes 0 to 100 and just starts crying and banging his head on the back of his seat.  i hate having to follow this special diet thing because i seriously just want to shove everything into his mouth because i love love love eating and i'm so excited to see him enjoying food.  

i don't know what else to say about him.
i love him and he is such a cutie pie and it still blows my mind that it's going to be a little while yet before we see who he really is…

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Monday, July 20, 2015

Mini Wheats

we headed to Beach Grove last week, or i guess it was 2 weeks ago now, geez how time is flying UGH.  we headed out to Beach Grove to do test shooting in the forest prior to meeting with some clients.  it's been a while since we've visited, now that we are no longer in the Beach Grove area, so it was nice to give our old hood a visit.  the blackberry bushes on our street have finally started producing large juicy berries, so i was excited to see how the bushes were doing in the park where we used to pick them.  on our walk through the park, we ventured to the back side where different things are grown throughout the year.  in the fall it was turnips or something.  i was jumping for joy when we found the field full of what i assume to be wheat!  i took a couple of crappy shots of the kids and made a point to return at dusk to really get the gold shining through…  ENJOY!

Chloe found a little ladybug as we were leaving

this tired yet wonderfully supportive and understanding soul joined us and acted not only as backup parents but as a clothes rack as well.  kevin, you are my favourite friend.

after 3 years of missing opportunities to snap photos here, i finally have a sweet little collection that i will hopefully get around to printing for the walls

Monday, July 13, 2015

How to Make An Entrance Part I

Receiving the Keys

Dec 10
Removing the deck to give workers access to replace the perimeter drain

save the ramp, this has been the state of our entrance up until this past weekend
total and utter embarrassment while we worked down the list of priorities

July 13

we don't have the means to get some pretty concrete slabs, so we decided to flip over the multicoloured tiles into the dimensions of the slabs we would have liked to see here.  we are going to have to level the ground, but for now, we are testing and placing a potential layout.  check out the sad state of the original concrete steps!  totally sinking into the ground.  we are trying to figure out what to replace them with since the concrete was holding water and causing the siding of the house to rot.

we've had a growing pile of rocks that kevin has spent many weekends sifting out from the giant mountains of dirt in the yard.  i was surprised how much he was able to fill.  he had hoped to fill more after devoting so many frustrating and dusty hours sifting.

jesus i can't wait to see this house painted

the kids helped me to cut and dig the remaining plants and shrubs out of the dirt this afternoon.  i was not attached to any of the plants and i totally still suck at taking care of plants so i think for the meantime, we can live with concrete and rocks.  we are trying to figure out dimension for the area kevin is flexing in the above photo.  we want to have a little area to set up a small table and chairs for chilling and snacking and drinking.  if we get anything it will probably  just be a variety of grass.  

i'm excited

you can't always get what you want
but if you try sometimes you just might find
you get what you need

this has always always been true
i have everything i need and my heart is happy