Friday, July 15, 2016

Summer 2016

 the world has me down right now.  there is so much tragedy and anger and fear that has been keeping me up at night.  life is busy, so busy, i am barely keeping up.  it feels like even when i find time to have down time, the down time is part of the compartmentalized series of train-cars just whizzing through the day.  i miss my pre-family brain so much.  i used to pride myself on my memory and now it feels like my memory has a life span of 3-4 hours max.  i probably already stated that in my last entry.  and then i have to stop myself and check my privilege because i know my life is gold.  with everything happening in the world right now, i am blessed with an excess of freedoms and safety for my family.  i can't ask for more than that.  fueling my business is hard as hell but i can do it and i am doing it and if i decide not to, i have the freedom to make a plethora of other choices.

we headed to the beach for dinner tonight and all i could do was be thankful.  thankful to be born in a place where i am free and safe.  thankful to my parents and grandparents for migrating here.  thankful that there have not been terrorist attacks or hateful killing sprees or violent racism close enough to be fearful.  it was beautiful.  the water was warm and clear.  we picnicked on the sand, kev and i shared our current favourite cider, we all waded into the water, the kids played in the sand, malcolm had a heyday throwing rocks into the water (throwing things into water seems to be his favourite thing to do, if you didn't already hear about the house/car keys being thrown into the pond the other month...), and nobody felt the need to fight. 

these photos were from 2 days ago, another perfect beach evening.  i am bragging.  it is so effing awesome living 3 minutes away from this beautiful beach that the rest of the lower mainland has finally discovered.  i know because tsawwassen is not multicultural, so when anyone visits from outside of tsawwassen, it's visibly notieceable.  welcome, my fellow People of Colour!  oh how i have missed you from my richmond/vancouver days!  enjoy my beach!

so full of gratitude

Monday, June 20, 2016

Father's Day 2016

this year hit me like a tonne of bricks.  i didn't expect it, but i feel like that's how it happens when you've lost someone so close.  the initial years are brutal, but you learn how to cope and bear it.  then some days it comes back full force and the madness takes over.  i tried not to be angry and bitter.  i wiped back tears a few times while angrily/lovingly making breakfast for kevin after he failed big time for mother's day.  the bitch in me was raging why i was making the effort on the hardest day of the year.  at least on my dad's birthday or his anniversary, my instagram and facebook aren't slammed with photos of everyone with their dad or their dad with their kids...  the bitch in me was wanting to blow fireballs like a dragon on copious amounts of LSD when kevin woke up and asked me for a hug.  I NEEDED THE FUCKING HUG DON'T TOUCH ME.  but i know that although he may nosedive on mother's day and my birthday without fail, that every other day of the year he is wonderful.  it was a tough morning struggling to keep the tears at bay and the rage under control all while exhausted and doing my best to cobble a semi-decent breakfast together for the guy who spends 2 hours making us french toast or waffles on any given sunday...  he deserves it. 

chloe's contribution was telling me to make fruit salad
moses made smoothies

i did a quick trip first thing to grab fingerlings for roasting
and raspberries for the saladio

do not be fooled by this guy
he's been sick and grumpy and full of the nastiest tantrums

correcting kevin's French

i bought him a nice helmet for all the biking he's been doing lately

made it special by tracing the hand of each kid into the helmet

these guys are getting better at connecting

this girl doesn't give you the choice to dislike her

what better way to celebrate than to go for a bike ride with all the kids for the first time!
kevin set up the baby seat that Molly hand-me-downed us a few weeks ago so that Malcolm could also come along for the ride.  kevin testing out riding with the seat attachment.

not sure if i ever posted photos of the incredible bike that chloe got for Christmas/Birthday from kevin's older sister and husband... a customized Frozen inspired bike.  as if there were any other way to penetrate the entire depth of her heart!  the material for the seat is waterproof gold brocade!!!

she's been posing a lot more lately

yes, Malcolm, one day the M will be for you 

 my loves

i am blessed

i did my part in the morning.  it was really all i could handle.  the rest of the day, kevin did his best to spend with the kids or at least take Malcolm out with him to do some errands so i could have alone/quiet time.  i cried a lot.  a lot of ugly crying.  at one point i had a full on scream fest which definitely did not help the migraine i seem to have acquired over the past week.  when i see my kids, i'm so filled with joy.  when i think of how much my dad is missing out on that joy and how much my kids are missing out on him, the rage is just overwhelming.  the love that is amiss is too good and too perfect to be non-existent.  i hate it.  it's like a cruel joke.  i still often wish i could just wake up one day, and he would have always been here.  i'll wake up and have an entirely new set of memories that include him.  i'll probably still have ended up doing photography and i could go onto my computer and flip through folder after folder of photos of all of them together and it would be heaven.  as i said in my instagram post, 13 years later, the hole in my heart feels like it only got bigger.

kevin had better live to be 100.