Monday, August 24, 2015

you know i'm bad

i have a problem with reality.  i can't tell what is real because of the whole perspective thing.  what is normal?  there is no single normal.

it's been a long week, another long week.  a glorious week and a trying week all rolled up into another ball to be tossed into the pile of composting memories that are all but forgotten.

i've been bad at taking photos.

i've been bad at blogging.

i've been bad at keeping up with the seemingly larger stack of projects than i realize i have.

i've been bad at so many things.

i wish i were a more organized person.
what would i have to give up or trade to be more organized?
why couldn't this trait have been more deeply ingrained in me?
why does it only come out after i have had a few tokes?
i'm not Snoop Dogg.  i can't do that shit errday.

today Moses went outside after getting in trouble.
when i went out to join him, i found him sitting on one of their plastic chairs
at the end of the driveway, looking sad.

"you're looking a little sad, are you feeling ok?"
as he fumbled around with a loose screw he found
he mumbled with glassy eyes
"i never get to spend time with you or daddy…"


chloe was baking banana muffins with kevin.
this is "their thing"
as there are so many things that Moses is overtly good at
food is chloe's strength
she loves food.  she is the least pickiest person and is always hanging
around asking to try things, including things like raw squash and loving it.
she has had a great ability for a long time to pick out flavours
and so we have done our best to encourage her by including her
in the making and baking of food.

it was never intended to make anyone feel excluded
but moses was definitely feeling this way

i explained to him ALL of this to him
which opened his mind and made him feel less hurt
i got him to come back inside and ask kev if he and Moses
could do a one-on-one baking session the next time which was happily agreed upon

i then went to put Malcolm down for his nap so that Moses and I could go for a solo walk into town

i was supposed to do more one-on-one with Moses this summer
and clearly i totally failed

now there are only two weeks left for me to make up for that time

god, where does the time go.

i was prepared in some ways for Moses to go to school.
i knew at least academically he would not struggle.

i am not at all prepared for Chloe to be gone.
despite being a measly 18 months younger, she was still "the baby" up until
Malcolm arrived.

i'm going to miss the "girl time"

i'm so tired.
everyday i make the intention of going to sleep at 10:30pm.
and by the time i roll over to close my eyes, it's pretty much 1:30am.

i'm bad at managing my time.
i'm bad at cleaning as i go along.

i'm so frustrated with myself these days
and i am so completely terrified of the future.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

12 Years

if only you could see them
and experience them

if only you were here
and had never gone away

if you could laugh at them
and with them
(it's hard to say which is funnier)

if only i could have that gift,
that one gift...

to see your smile
and have you put your arm around me
tell me how much you love me

to believe you
when you say you know exactly who i am
and all the thing you believe i can do

to make us all feel like
everything is going to be ok

with your reassuring smile and positive outlook on life

to the very very end

you held on

going out
like small waves on the shore
being brought back every so slowly to the ocean

a very serene and beautiful way
to return to the earth

your spirit travelling around the universe and beyond

on nights like tonight
you hear my heart call

i know you are around

i can take time
to honour your memory

to love and miss you

to let you know
i'm still trying to make you proud
as if you were only a phone call away

still trying my best to be
the kindest person i can be
(you can't eat cheese everyday)*

i'm still working on it…

who would i be if you were still here?

i've done my best to navigate myself for the past 12 years
i think i've done ok

i just wanted you
        to be part of it
                 of all of it
                      all of this

you brought so much joy to our family
it was so hard to take

numbness.  emptiness.

crying.  so much crying.

frustration and anger

finally giving way to moments of freedom
to comfort the raging tantrums

it was a long process
but i feel like i survived it
and learned how to gracefully accept
your short
but everlasting

we were blessed with you

and all i can do is
spread your love around
your forgiving and understanding nature

watch them grow
with your wisdom + kindness

you are still here through me

i have the ability to keep you alive
in my day to day life

i can be the person i know you would be
if you were here with them today

i make them laugh
i make them sing

i let them be who they want to be
and love them for it

thank you

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Less Baby More Boy


done.  Malx is officially sharing the same bedroom with Momo and Chloe.  he is in there with the blackout blinds with his mattress newly lowered and sleeping… for now.

crying it out is a killer.
as my good friend Renee put it, you teach your newborn to fall asleep with bottles or the boob only to undo all that cozy bonding time by letting them kick and scream until they learn that you haven't actually abandoned them and they are perfectly capable of soothing themselves to sleep.

last night was not bad at all.  the previous night was horrible.  as it was Friday, our typical late night bedtime went a little later.  we went to bed at 1am and i could hardly sleep.  when i had finally fallen asleep, it was around 3am and this is when Malx finally awoke and the crying began.  i don't know for sure if this is when he woke up but considering i got up about 6 times at about 15 minute intervals before he finally passed out at 4:39am, i'd say it 3am is a good guess.

i'm praying that this Crying It Out period is as "smooth" as it was with the other two.  within a week we were all good.  i feel a tinge of guilt for putting the kids through this but on the other hand, it's a tiny taste of revenge and letting them know how difficult it is to take care of a baby on top of all the other knowledge they have acquired about parenthood.  i'm just so happy that playing musical rooms to facilitate the crib's relocation has occurred during the summer months when the kids are out of school and have the freedom to sleep in or take a nap if necessary.

my bedside is now a large empty space.  my heart hurts.  my first "empty nest" with this little guy as he upgrades to his new room away from my side.  just as i have been desperately hanging on to every little precious moment with my last baby, savouring all the smells and milestones and cuddles, i'm forced to keep up the pace of transitions in an effort to avoid "babying" him.  i want to baby him so bad!  he is in fact still a baby and my last baby but i am so afraid of the repercussions.  right now it isn't so horrible, but if i create habits now, these habits will easily transition as he grows older and they will be harder to break and even harder to undo.  indeed, upbringing starts from the beginning.  i don't want him out of my room because it means he is growing, but i can not deny his growth.  i would be doing him a great disservice and god knows i don't want him at home until he is 30.  i want him to be independent and confident and capable of making a great life for himself, and because of this i have been making daily efforts in my parenting to remember how i raised Moses and Chloe.  i've always been hard but kind with them, harder on Moses, but i have also been working hard on that with him.  seriously, people think that having 3 means 3 of the same, it is just not true.  each child, like every person, is completely different and parenting changes from child to child according to that child's personality, sensitivities, capabilities, and needs.  how do you keep up and juggle three methods of parenting while doing your best to be as fair and equal as possible?  please let me know.


he is such an adorable  little guy.  he truly reminds me of kevin.  i can't put my finger on how, but he is very much his dad in ways that Moses is not.  Moses has his fair share of kevin's attributes and it will be interesting to see what the similarities and differences are between the two/three of them.

so he is officially in his big crib with the mattress down low.  on that rough night of sleep training, he was able to pull himself up to standing a couple of times.  we were one day too late lowering the mattress with Moses.  he fell over and bounced off the garbage can onto the floor when crying it out in the middle of the night.  i can't remember if i actually saw it or heard it…

he is now also officially on his way to crawling.  he easily manoeuvres himself from sitting position to all fours and back again.  tonight at my inlaws, he finally started shimmying one knee forward.  he is now able to move toward anywhere or anything in relatively close proximity.  he is going to be all over the house in two weeks, guaranteed.  the learning and progress with babies is mind-blowing.

he loves joining all of us in the pool before our Sunday dinners at my inlaws.  he enjoys splashing and doesn't get overly upset when doing little dives under the water.

kevin has been a bit more lenient with the food and so he has really been enjoying all the new flavours and textures beyond banana and avocado.  he has enjoyed beans, chicken, honeydew, nectarines, mango, and i've roasted fig, zucchini and yam in the toaster oven for him.  i love it.  it's messy and sticky as all hell but i love seeing him so overjoyed eating.

this guy is a little gem.  i'm loving it.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Beach Moon

i've been having a rocky last couple of weeks.  i've been prone to depression since i was a teenager, so as you can imagine, that sneaky worm is apt wriggle itself into my brain and cause some damage as i push on through long days with three young ones.  i'm lucky.  i'm lucky to live in a beautiful town surrounded by nature and friends.  trouble is, i've gotten so used to pushing through for the past 6 months that i can hardly recognize just how tired and run down i am.  i can hardly even admit it to myself.  i deny myself the freedom to recognize it because i feel like i am in survival mode and if i allow myself to crack a little, everything will fall apart.  i will fall apart.  and i can't.  

it happened anyway last weekend.  i had a good cry out of nowhere.  after a long day that ended at 1030pm, i hopped on over to a girlfriend's house with a mutual friend.  i haven't ever spent much time with them, but it was the first time in a while that things felt right.  perhaps it was the intoxication at work, but i felt ok to express myself.  up until that point, i had seemingly mucked up a few things with other friends and as usual took things far too personally to the point where my paranoia had me feeling like my friends were upset with me and didn't want to be around me.  typical cancer.  technology doesn't contribute anything good either.  on the contrary it makes it much much worse and fuels the panic and anxiety that have already made their permanent residence in my chest.  

i've spent the week having anxiety late at night trying to figure out what is real and what is in my head.  it's easy for me to connect dots and fabricate things that may not be there.  sometimes i like to convince myself that it's helpful when i need to be creative.  after many deep breaths and talking myself out of these fabrications, i'm feeling calmer…

this week has been gorgeous in terms of sunsets.  if you are on instagram i'm sure you have had your fair share of sunset photos drowning out your feed.  the moon was full and the sky was lovely so i dragged the family out to try to take a few photos.  they aren't spectacular, but they are real.  they aren't curated to death like the many photos we see and i am trying to make peace with myself over it.  funny how my go-to phrase has become Frozen's tagline

let it go.

i'm trying to let go of things that are shaking me up.  i'm trying to not get overwhelmed though the amount of work to be done on the house is hard to swallow, especially when i have to look at all the things that need to be finished every single day, with only one month left of good weather…  DEEP BREATH.

i need to let it go and i need to set time aside for me.


Friday, July 24, 2015

7 Months

i was so late with 6 months it is no wonder it feels like 7 months caught up too quickly.

despite having already been trained with two kids 18 months apart, i still often feel like i have wandered into uncharted waters.  terms like expert  and veteran get tossed around, and yes, having had experience certainly helps with the third, but sometimes it still feels like "the first time".   if you think of it, it is technically "the first time" because you have never had to juggle 3 before.  when people ask me what it's like, i tell them it's exactly like juggling (not that i know how to juggle balls or fruit or circus pins that are on fire…), once you learn to juggle 2 you can figure out three but you gotta be faster.  this, of course, causes you to burnout faster and harder.  it's weird.  on one hand it doesn't seem harder, but it definitely it.  i guess the jump from 2 to 3 is less of an exponential jump than from 1 to 2.  plus, there is the plus of having Malcolm 4 years younger.  oh god, 4 years.  why does that feel like such a big gap?  i'm sure it will close over time.

my mind is wandering.

on one hand it feels like it should be a "piece of cake" and the expert/veteran labels yaddi yaddi yadda, but truthfully, it still is a challenge to juggle three.  some days i feel like i can handle it and other days i feel like i am kidding myself.  sometimes i play up the Expert when people offer help and other times i get frustrated when people don't offer to help.  it's a weird thing.

mom guilt.  sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
if i were eating it i would be well over 10,000lbs right now between the 3 of them.

i wallow in what feels like a quicksand of guilt day in and day out.
it's my fault that Moses is like this, it's my fault Chloe does that, and it's my fault that Malcolm will do these things.

today, i tried to switch things around.  all the things i would normally ask Moses to do, i asked Chloe to do them.  hmmm, i was about to type vice versa but i actually didn't.  i need to ask Chloe to take on more responsibility and i need to spend more quality time with Moses.  if i had to make one general change, i guess that would be it.  Moses continues to blow me away with his intelligence and Chloe shocks me in comparison with some of the "obvious" questions she asks me.  sometimes i wonder if i don't realize how blonde i may be and if i have passed this down to Chloe.  (no offence, blondies, i wish i had the balls to go blonde but we all know i would look ridiculous)

last week, i heard a wise lady say:
First One makes the rules
Second One breaks the rules
Third One has no rules

this makes sense but it gives me an overwhelming tightening in my chest.
and then i try to calm myself down by telling myself that the world needs ALL THREE of these kinds of people.  someone definitely makes the rules, but sometimes rules need to be broken and sometimes having no rules lead to new ideas.  or is that just me painting a silver lining on that cloud of thought?  i've always liked lipstick on pigs…

why am i talking about this, this was supposed to be 7 month updates for Malcolm, not a journey into my terrified leftover ruins of what used to be an average psyche.

oh yes, MOM GUILT.  mom guilt over being so behind on things for Malcolm.  mom guilt over how i am totally parenting him like he is the third child.  BUT HE IS THE THIRD CHILD.  is it because i'm not a perfectionist???  i don't know, i can't imagine a perfectionist being capable of parenting each child to the same level as that first baby.  everything was new and scary and you couldn't fuck up this new life that you have just created so you went totally insane over everything only to realize this new little life is super resilient and now you have just nurtured OCD and anxiety and control freakiness into their poor little body.  but i guess the world needs those people to whip us all into shape.  seriously, the only motivation that gets me to clean my house is to think of the houses that belong to all my OCD friends.

Malcolm is still sleeping in our room at 7 months.  ok it's 3 days off, so unofficial 7 months.  i'm pretty sure Moses was out at 6 months?  i think he went straight into the tiny office at our condo once we moved into it.  he was 5 months when we moved in…  and then we started sleep training him at…

May 10 2011
ALRIGHT.  onto the next subject: CRYING IT OUT PART II
It's the first night i'm trying out CIO with coco.  i just did the 15 minute check up.  i'm a little worried though...i mean i don't know how early is ok to do this.  she's coming up on 5 months which is much earlier than when we did this with moses.  she is extremely upset right now.  just checked, it was in february so he was about 8-9 months!  holy cow, so this is like half the time?  she just stopped crying...  well, she's passed out.   so 40 mins.  *exhale*  so i don't know what to do now when she wakes up in the middle of the night? arch.

OH SWEET!!!! 8-9 MONTHS FOR MOSES!  I AM RIGHT ON TRACK!  YES!!!!!  cross off that Mom Guilt

i've tried it on and off but it just doesn't really work when their crib is 6 inches away from your bed, sandwiched between you and the wall.  it just makes them more pissed off when they can see you or hear you breathing or moving in the middle of the night.  also, the room is bright and we did CIO with both kids with blackout blinds.  we JUST bought a set at IKEA this evening since our old one was trashed by the kids and we didn't know we were having a third…  anyway, the plan is to move Mal's crib into the kids' bedroom (hahaha, revenge is mine!!!!) in place of Moses' lego shelving unit so that their room is JUST for sleeping.  the lego shelf will move into the office which is currently the biggest dump you can imagine.  my computer desk is a plasting folding table and my desk-to-be is sitting right beside me.  i really just wanted to get something that was, you know, READY TO GO, but kevin found this desk and convinced me that the drawers would help organize me.  i conceded, but it had NO LEGS and NO TABLETOP.  his brother-in-law took a few weeks to make up new legs (they are absolutely BEAUTIFUL!) but we still have no tabletop.  we found one at IKEA tonight but of course they were all out of it until tomorrow evening.  so, once we get the top, i can move my computer and fold up this giant table and make some room to sort of turn this second bedroom into an office/playroom until the mudroom is ready to be used as a mudroom/office, at which point, chloe can have this room.

i've also been lazy about the bottle-feeding and Malcolm has been intermittent with it, no surprise.  i need to enforce having him have at least ONE bottle a day, i think to get it on his list of things he likes to have.  i feel like it may help the crying-it-out situation since the bottle OF FORMULA is at least one small step of separation between us, and if i can have him "need" a bottle instead of "need" my tits and "need" formula instead of "need" breast milk, then it will make everything easier.  i'm thankful i have had enough milk this last time round to be able to breastfeed him exclusively, but i really really should have got him on bottle and formula right away to eliminate this current situation.  i'm pretty sure that if i had put him on the bottle as a baby, he could probably almost feed himself with a bottle right now.  UGH.  be careful what you wish for, it will come true and then bite you in the ass!  

Malcolm has 5 frigging teeth.
they just keep coming and i can't decide if i am happy about it or not.  initially, i was not because he was a nasty clingy napless butthole that i had to carry around all hours of the day.  i couldn't do ANYTHING, my arm was aching and my hand was going numb.  trying to do CIO with a teething baby is the antithesis of what a parent should be doing.  thankfully, kevin found these awesome homeopathic teething pills that have worked WONDERS!!!!  also, FYI, the teeth have taken a few chomps on me and it hurts like hell.

he is up on all fours all the time, up and down, officially doing the hump and even going from all fours to sitting position and back again!  

he's no doubt going to be a chatty cathy like the other two yammer jammers, he's got lots to say.  he's a pretty easy going guy, pretty chill and likes to laugh.  i love carrying him over to see his big sibs when he has woken up and is grumpy because he always has big smile and does his little jumps in my arm, excited and happy to see his bodyguards.

he likes to eat but the second he is done, he goes 0 to 100 and just starts crying and banging his head on the back of his seat.  i hate having to follow this special diet thing because i seriously just want to shove everything into his mouth because i love love love eating and i'm so excited to see him enjoying food.  

i don't know what else to say about him.
i love him and he is such a cutie pie and it still blows my mind that it's going to be a little while yet before we see who he really is…

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Monday, July 20, 2015

Mini Wheats

we headed to Beach Grove last week, or i guess it was 2 weeks ago now, geez how time is flying UGH.  we headed out to Beach Grove to do test shooting in the forest prior to meeting with some clients.  it's been a while since we've visited, now that we are no longer in the Beach Grove area, so it was nice to give our old hood a visit.  the blackberry bushes on our street have finally started producing large juicy berries, so i was excited to see how the bushes were doing in the park where we used to pick them.  on our walk through the park, we ventured to the back side where different things are grown throughout the year.  in the fall it was turnips or something.  i was jumping for joy when we found the field full of what i assume to be wheat!  i took a couple of crappy shots of the kids and made a point to return at dusk to really get the gold shining through…  ENJOY!

Chloe found a little ladybug as we were leaving

this tired yet wonderfully supportive and understanding soul joined us and acted not only as backup parents but as a clothes rack as well.  kevin, you are my favourite friend.

after 3 years of missing opportunities to snap photos here, i finally have a sweet little collection that i will hopefully get around to printing for the walls