Monday, June 20, 2016

Father's Day 2016

this year hit me like a tonne of bricks.  i didn't expect it, but i feel like that's how it happens when you've lost someone so close.  the initial years are brutal, but you learn how to cope and bear it.  then some days it comes back full force and the madness takes over.  i tried not to be angry and bitter.  i wiped back tears a few times while angrily/lovingly making breakfast for kevin after he failed big time for mother's day.  the bitch in me was raging why i was making the effort on the hardest day of the year.  at least on my dad's birthday or his anniversary, my instagram and facebook aren't slammed with photos of everyone with their dad or their dad with their kids...  the bitch in me was wanting to blow fireballs like a dragon on copious amounts of LSD when kevin woke up and asked me for a hug.  I NEEDED THE FUCKING HUG DON'T TOUCH ME.  but i know that although he may nosedive on mother's day and my birthday without fail, that every other day of the year he is wonderful.  it was a tough morning struggling to keep the tears at bay and the rage under control all while exhausted and doing my best to cobble a semi-decent breakfast together for the guy who spends 2 hours making us french toast or waffles on any given sunday...  he deserves it. 

chloe's contribution was telling me to make fruit salad
moses made smoothies

i did a quick trip first thing to grab fingerlings for roasting
and raspberries for the saladio

do not be fooled by this guy
he's been sick and grumpy and full of the nastiest tantrums

correcting kevin's French

i bought him a nice helmet for all the biking he's been doing lately

made it special by tracing the hand of each kid into the helmet

these guys are getting better at connecting

this girl doesn't give you the choice to dislike her

what better way to celebrate than to go for a bike ride with all the kids for the first time!
kevin set up the baby seat that Molly hand-me-downed us a few weeks ago so that Malcolm could also come along for the ride.  kevin testing out riding with the seat attachment.

not sure if i ever posted photos of the incredible bike that chloe got for Christmas/Birthday from kevin's older sister and husband... a customized Frozen inspired bike.  as if there were any other way to penetrate the entire depth of her heart!  the material for the seat is waterproof gold brocade!!!

she's been posing a lot more lately

yes, Malcolm, one day the M will be for you 

 my loves

i am blessed

i did my part in the morning.  it was really all i could handle.  the rest of the day, kevin did his best to spend with the kids or at least take Malcolm out with him to do some errands so i could have alone/quiet time.  i cried a lot.  a lot of ugly crying.  at one point i had a full on scream fest which definitely did not help the migraine i seem to have acquired over the past week.  when i see my kids, i'm so filled with joy.  when i think of how much my dad is missing out on that joy and how much my kids are missing out on him, the rage is just overwhelming.  the love that is amiss is too good and too perfect to be non-existent.  i hate it.  it's like a cruel joke.  i still often wish i could just wake up one day, and he would have always been here.  i'll wake up and have an entirely new set of memories that include him.  i'll probably still have ended up doing photography and i could go onto my computer and flip through folder after folder of photos of all of them together and it would be heaven.  as i said in my instagram post, 13 years later, the hole in my heart feels like it only got bigger.

kevin had better live to be 100.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Easy Easel

i am in the worst health i've been in in a long time
meals are not so much the issue as it is my stress levels and sleep

my brain has hit a new low of being able to function
i took a nap today for the first time in possibly years
it is possible that i may have taken one or two naps last year during malcolm's first year
but i swear i'm in worse shape this week than i ever was with him last year

i've done 4 newborn/family sessions between thursday and today
all beautiful sessions but i haven't had a minute til tonight to touch any
and with barely any time to make a dent in them i figured i would take this small pocket
of time to push out this small batch of photos here instead (of sleeping)

Paint Night
is this coming Friday

naturally, kevin designed and built a simple easel
he made his first one yesterday and is in the process of finishing the other 8

always helping dad


collapsable for easy storage

in the 0.5 seconds that i captured this, i was also panicking if i missed it
this photo is going to be printed a few times to be remembered forever

chloe came out to say hi

it got late
but when i woke up this morning, he had moved it inside and displayed
our wedding photo canvas on it to see how it would look

after a long ass day today
took the time to get this quick shot of a painting i started with the kids
back in April but never got around to finishing

i'm so lucky to have such an amazingly patient and talented partner
who has helped me with my projects for almost 20 years

thank you 
for the thousands of hours you have spent over the years helping to make
all my dreams (big or small or childform) come true

Tuesday, June 7, 2016


my girl KLF flew in from Whitehorse for a birthday weekend visit with friends
Ayma joined us from the city as well to hang out and celebrate


baby fish mouth