Hard Days

the past two days have been good in terms of not feeling sick. i'm being thankful, but i still wake up every morning with anxiety wondering if today is going to be good/bad and even if it starts off good, if my stomach is going to turn upside down within the first 2 hours of waking up.

the morning started off pretty good.... we went for a walk with Saara and Leila, but upon arriving home at around noon i was exhausted. i slumped on the couch wanting to drift off to sleep, but it was lunch time and i knew i had to at least try to make something for Moses if not myself. i laid on the couch trying to decide if i should make him something or if i should just prepare a big bottle and put him to sleep before lunch...

i started off making his bottle and then caved under all my mom guilt despite how doubled-over and exhausted i was feeling. we had nothing to eat. i ate all our leftovers in the morning bc that is just how me and baby #2 are rolling right now. all i had under 10 minutes was grilled cheese on awful white bread. we just finished the healthy bread, and the white bread was bought for me when i felt like having pregnant BLT cravings.

i made a delicious smoothie and he didn't even want to try it! he ALWAYS wants to try stuff! it was the HEALTHY part of the lunch! i was so awful. i was so angry that i had to make us lunch when all i wanted to do was crash and of course, Moses was whining and crying crawling up my legs and pulling my tights down while i'm juggling smoothie with grilled cheese.

i started yelling at him even though in my mind i was imagining our neighbors walking down the hall hearing me yell "GET OFF!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! DON"T TOUCH ME!!!!" 50 million times over and over. i even went as far as to pull my legs out from him which made him topple a bit.

i am having a very tough time right now.
i'm having a tough time juggling my physical/emotional/mental with two kids. honestly, i'm doing double! when i lie down, i can hear my body telling me "don't get up bc i need this energy to make this baby more than you need to clean up the house". it's not regular i've-worked-all-day-lifting-boxes or attending-5-meetings tired. and really, unless you've been pregnant you'll never know the kind of exhaustion.... not to mention looking after another 11 month old... not to mention freelancing... not to mention work demanding you to finish a project when you've only been hired to work one day a week.

and on top of that... I DON'T WANT TO EAT ANYTHING. and yet I HAVE TO EAT EVERY 2 HOURS!!!! you have no idea how frustrating it is to need to constantly eat and yet never want to eat anything. my cravings have been McCHickens and wonton noodle soup.

we didn't get to eat dinner until after we dropped off Moses at 830 and after dropping by Superstore. we ended up at #9 and the wonton noodle soup i had been craving for days tasted wretchedly disgusting. i had to leave and wait outside or else i was going to hurl.

now it's 1130pm and i need to sleep.

hope things start looking up a little more.


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