old mom new mom

my face is in a fog right now.... Moses has been napping for almost two hours after another day of Banshee Screaming. for some reason the past two days he has just been throwing them out left and right throughout the entire day. he bounces back and forth between his usual adorable handsome self and screaming like someone is ripping the hair off his head while setting his feet on fire.

I DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!!

when he does this ON OCCASION i can handle it, i can shell out the patience. but for two days with pregnancy headaches, he's just asking TOO MUCH. where my patience would be yelling at him to BE QUIET every 1 out of 10 times, i am now telling him to SHUT UP every 1 out of 5 times. it is driving so crazy that i am making empty threats at him to throw him into a river or off a bridge.


also, he is beginning to be a much pickier eater. not fond of this change. especially the past two days when it is coupled with the EFFING SCREAMS.

i picked up two books at the library yesterday. i picked up Beautiful Bountiful Blissfull by yogi Gurmukh. the girl at the new yoga place in Tsawwassen recommnded it when i dropped in inquiring about prenatal classes. i read the foreword by Cindy Crawford and the introduction where Gurmukh tells the tragic story of her first unplanned pregnancy set in the 50's where women had no control or say in how they wanted their pregnancy, how there were no options including consent to an epidural or the choice of circumcision. At age 21 her 7 month baby died. she travelled the world in search of answers to life's greatest questions, to find herself, to find peace and almost became a Zen nun before a friend had a dream, a calling from God to take Gurmukh (then Mary) to an ashram and experience yoga. she has been teaching yoga in California for 30 years and at age 40 gave birth to her daughter.

she has an amazing story. i am excited to continue reading... at the same time i am feeling weak. i remember with Moses considering doing the homebirth and of course wanting to eat right and do everything as naturally as possible. i loved the prenatal yoga class and how it made me feel strong as a woman and how, as Gurmukh explains, women's bodies come with eons of experience from centuries of women having given birth. but then i remember my labour with Moses. and it is not to say that it was anything near as horrible and traumatizing as that of Gurmukh's, but that i had no contractions after 24hrs of my water breaking and what did that mean? i questioned if every woman's body, no matter how different, was made for childbirth. i wondered last night after my read if perhaps i did not go to the hospital as instructed if that would have been dangerous for the baby or if perhaps my contractions would have eventually begun on their own.

it is hard to say. i'm trying to find a balance between science and nature. i know that i do not feel i have let down Moses due to my childbirth choices. i can NOT stop wondering if this next one will be the same. will my contractions come naturally? if so will i be able to handle them? will i cave once more to the epidural? how differently REALLY are the induced VS natural contractions?

i'm very scared.

i'm truly just terrified about taking care of a newborn and Moses. on days like these where i am losing my mind, i wonder how on earth i will manage and survive. i feel as if i have already aged 5 years.

on the brighter side, the other book i took out from the library is Crawling: A Father's First Year. so much of it rings true and the honesty makes me laugh and cry. i started some of it last night, did a little during Ellen this morning, and when we finally got home from our outing into Richmond to get books from Chapters (birthday gc's!), i threw Moses into bed and took turns reading and napping. it has been 2 hours and he is still napping. Kevin should be home any moment.

i don't have the time energy or cash to go back to the Semperviva one in Vancouver.
i'm really sad. and i'm really sad i never went to any of the Mom and Baby yogas.


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