confucius says: dog who chases cars gets exhausted
i feel like my life is chasing cars
my energy levels are hitting new lows each week as chloe continues
to grow and moses continues to toddle.
wow. i am completely in need of a vacation. i am just physically and
emotionally drained in every sense. the physical requirements needed
to keep up with a 15 month while pregs is rather demanding. i think
moreso, i am feeling the emotional drain. at a time when i should be
feeling elated and joyful for this baby girl, i am taking on a lot of
emotional lows with the issues kev and i are forging through.
i would like to say that i am very level-headed considering the hormone
milkshakes i'm on with pregnancy and the daily patience tests with moses.
that alone sucks up so much effort, nevermind having to also cater to
kev on days where he has trouble dealing with the past hurts.
he loves me. and i know it.
but sometimes the pregnancy milkshakes make me feel otherwise.
when he needs space and moves from shut room to shut room, i feel
shut out and unwelcome in our own home. i feel exiled and unwanted,
all while adding another 2-3 hours of Moses-caretaking to my already
12 hour day.
i know this is a rough time, that it too shall pass.
i know there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
mostly i just wish above all else that the timing was different.
i am not usually superstitious, but i truly feel like feeling brokenhearted
during pregnancy will make a mark on chloe, that she may be born into
the world with a heart tainted with some mysterious sadness...
if i were not pregnant, i would happily bear this cross for past hurts
i have caused kevin, but with chloe rumbling inside, it is just not fair
for her to bear this cross with me.
i feel like i am coming down with a cold. my immune system feels weak.