frustrations

Moses

i don't know what is going on with the mo...  i don't know how many days it's been now but he is still needing company to fall asleep.  he gets really upset in between storytime when we mention "going to sleep" and acts really afraid.  it is times like these that make me wish he could talk and tell me what is making him feel so upset!  i don't know if it is the teething for sure... or if something has truly spooked him?  or maybe he is just having anxiety as part of his age????

it has taken me probably an hour for him to go to sleep... i stayed and just sat by his bed for a bit, then i laid down on the floor at which point he did the most adorable thing in the entire world and climbed off the bed and laid down by my head clutching penguin beneath his little belly.  i laid in bed with him but then he just kicked and plaid around a bit.  i finally sat back on the floor again and after a while he just seemed to have tired himself out and put himself to sleep.

this is frustrating, because as most parents know, they are afraid that these instances are NOT temporary and that their kid is now going to turn away from soothing themselves... and then we have to start the process all over again!  only it is more difficult as they are now older and therefor more clever and manipulative and capable of playing you for a fool.  that is definitely a challenge for me, to really look Moses in the face and see if he is pulling my leg or if he is really truly disturbed and not just wanting things his way.


Mama

i had a rough night last night...  this pregnancy has been really rough emotionally this time around.  my self-image is really taking a beating.  everynight i long to have some sort of physical intimacy and if/when i do, i completely shy away in discomfort and awkwardness.  we have always been very intimate sexually and that has been a part of my personality and a strong part of our relationship.  it has been really upsetting me to feel uncomfortable in my own skin in a situation where i have always been so at ease.  

additionally, i have been having other "realizations" of how much i have changed.  change was inevitable with having Moses.  i guess in my mind, i still felt like i was doing a fair job at getting out and still maintaining my identity.

a few things were brought to my attention recently

1. a friend suggesting that getting wasted was still the expected thing to do on one's birthday and that she was going to be lame and not drink.  this confused me bc i didn't think it was lame and who still expects to get annihilated on their birthday?  this thought seemed FOREIGN to me initially and then when i thought about my last birthday prior to Moses (june 2008) i totally got annihilated.  that was the day we took an extra hour and a half to get home bc i kept wanting to pull over to try and puke.  i woke up in kevin's clothes wondering how they got on me.

i'm not by any stretch saying i do or don't support getting shitfaced on your birthday... i guess the point is that my mentality seems to have shifted without my realizing it.

2. kevin asked me "so... who are you?"  on the way home from dropping Moses off at my mom's.  he wasn't trying to upset me, but i guess he was feeling like we were co-workers rather than a couple.  we were closely together everyday and yet there is this feeling of distance between us.  this is not something new as most parents will agree.  it is definitely very challenging, especially since we've been together for so so long.  it is a very disturbing feeling to not have that same closeness; there is a part of me that is terrified that things will not revert to their pre-baby relationship.  ok, well i obviously don't expect things to revert back 100% but i mean i am hoping we are able to rebuild/recupe the closeness in some form.

3.  he later mentioned that he knew it wasn't my fault that i am the primary caretaker and therefor spend the majority of my time with Moses, but that sometimes he feels like i treat him like Moses.

4.  i had a long and great and thought-provoking chat with a gf and it was so insane (similar to my dinner out at Cobre a few weeks back) to feel like the old me again.  it was the most stimulating conversation i've probably had in 2 years.  and i was laughing OUT LOUD and it was ok bc Moses wasn't home and i didn't have to be quiet!  i find it so pathetic that these things are such great freedoms.  

so basically, all of these things together have shaken me quite a bit inside.  i feel out of control... and angry.  i didn't choose these changes.  i had no say.  good or bad i'm not the one in charge.  

i am having identity issues and it is not fun.  i am not liking who i am.  i am not liking not liking who i am.  i really need to love myself right now but i feel so deranged and so confused.  i feel so empty of confidence and it scares me to not know who the person is that i have become.  



sigh
this is very heavy stuff.  my apologies.


looking forward to this weekend...  yoga and strolling with Trizie tomorrow.
Sunday - breakfast at Cafe Medina with Wakie (kevin is taking Moses first thing!), taking photos with Wakie and possibly meeting up with Trizie again for more baby stuff :)





Comments

  1. you are the most beautiful person i have ever known. You are loud and express your opinions no matter what. i look to you for advice. and i love you. you are one of the people on my list of role models. and you should never forget how special you are ever ever.

    ReplyDelete
  2. even if u dont like u i like u

    lez do something this week

    -ainge
    lol it is gonna say "edna" because that was my name on the christmas blog i started with angus

    ReplyDelete

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