you can't hurry love

4:05pm tuesday november thirtieth twenty-ten.  i am willing the universe.  I AM!  and i feel it so strongly, i believe it... but again (like saturday the 27) by mid-afternoon i start to panic and then slowly come down on my wave of excitement.  i ride that wave with a big sulky face until said sulky face gets driven into the sandy shore where i lie for a good while, defeated once again by omniscient fate.  i mean i realize that if we really TRULY knew when it was going to happen, it would take away from the experience... but then again we now are able to know the sex of the baby ahead of time and PERSONALLY it doesn't take the surprise out of it for me.  i mean really, having a baby is a big fucking surprise because you just can't ever be prepared for the shellshock of it.  

it's just going to happen when it's going to happen.  i hate it!

i feel like Miss Lippy, the weirdo teacher from Billy Madison who paints glue on her face during the kids' recess.  that's kind of what i feel like doing right now.

i am a slave to fate!  i will never know!  but somewhere sometime it's going to just happen.  one little snowflake is going to start tumbling and collect more and more snow until it grows Indian Jones' size and keep going until POP  - SHE'S HERE!!!!!

i'm angry.
i was rejected two nights in a row.
Moses came into our room later while i was having weird dreams about scoops of ice cream and both things seemed to be related somehow...
Sometimes Moses falls asleep right away, sometimes he is in and out of sleep for the remainder of his sleep in our bed where he freaks out crying for 5 seconds.  Last night was one of those nights, and boo hoo, poor kevin couldn't take it so he peaced out onto the couch.
I woke up again at 5am to a very long lasting leg cramp.  It took multiple stretches for it to go down, but it would shoot up again soon after.

i hate that he doesn't care that we will never have sex again.  i hate that he is not an opportunist.  yes, we are tired now, yes i am massive and can hardly move BUT it is still possible right now!  once chloe is here, there is no chance in hell.  for the first time since we got pregnant this time round, we were able to have "sex" a couple of nights ago and miraculously, i wasn't uncomfortable or in pain which was refreshingly wonderful.  i can't say i felt like a virgin by any stretch but there was a newness about it.  i figured after that night that maybe we would be able to get a couple more in there before labour day but apparently someone is just too lamely freaked out by my being dilated.  LAME.

blah blah blah.

today we bussed to richmond and went to the mall and had lunch at white spot and played in the airplane playground and then came home.  i keep feeling like going for walks or outings will induce me but my body doesn't care.  it just feels like i am going to be pregnant forever, that my physical state of being has just become normal and this is the way it will always be.

screw you universe.  


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