early daze

wow.  it will be a week tomorrow!

so many things.  where to start...

chloe is doing wonderfully.  so far she has been a dreamboat of a baby.  i can not believe how over the moon in love i am with this little girl.  my heart aches every moment i hold her and kiss her because i know every moment she is growing and progressing rapidly and before i know it, she will be toddling around like Moses.  baby skin is softer than i remember.  baby smell is sweeter than i remember.  i am taking it all in as much as i possibly can.  it is so amazing looking into her face and memorizing her features although they seem to change and mature on a daily basis.

the nurse came by our place on christmas eve to check up on us.  my milk, once again, had not fully come in and Chloe had lost 12% of her birthweight.  this was not as bad as Moses who lost 16-20% but it was still on the borderline and because christmas meant lack of staff at hospitals/clinics, the decision was to get me on domperidone to bring in my milk and after feeding chloe every 2-3 hours (supply and demand) we were to top her up with 1-2oz of formula.  i was very relieved and proud of myself for making sure we saw the nurse this time around instead of playing things down and thinking "oh no everything is totally fine".  it really helped just to talk things through and have someone listen and offer sound advice, especially since we only had 2-3 hours of interrupted sleep the previous night, not to mention the fact that my nipples were red hot, gently cracked, minorly scabbing and basically ready to fall off.  AND STILL in better shape than they were with Moses!    oohh the things they don't tell you in sex ed or when you get caught in bed with your zitty lover at 16 by your parents.

my milk has come in, my nipples have stopped crying and Chloe is thriving.  her weight has increased and her colour has improved, from this point on the jaundice will make its way out.  i was also able to get a hold of her measurements from the nurse today since they only gave us her birthweight on the hospital card.

Chloe: 8lbs 6oz, Head 37cm, Length 53cm
Moses: 7lbs 10oz, Head 34cm, Length 53cm

so apparently at 5'1" i am still capable of birthing huge babies.  ok not huge... but my mom gave birth to three babies all in the 6lbs range so THANKS KEVIN for your gigantor wyt genes.  we are amused that they are exactly the same in length and even more amused that her head is FOUR CMs bigger than Moses'!  thanks again Kevin for the big-head genes.

moving on...

just survived the most bi-polar christmas of all time.  christmas eve at my mom's was a drama-fest gong show that i can not and will not go into.  i would prefer to forget it ever happened except for the last hour when Moses got to open all his presents early (we were NOT waiting until midnight...).  he got spoiled absolutely rotten.  my sister bought him a rideable excavator, my brother got him a 3/4 length skateboard,  he got a set of tools, a bunch of trucks and books and a stuffed puppy.

thankfully, christmas christmas was much more sedate.  christmas eve was our first night coming home together as the gang.of.four and kev and i were very nervous.  after we did our night time routine with Moses he ran into our room and into our bed.  i didn't argue.  i missed my little boy so much i was happy to have all of us sleep together :)


moses slept through the night and coco was equally a happy sleeper despite having to be awoken for feedings.  christmas morning Moses opened a couple more presents together and then shuttled the little family over to kev's parents' house for breakfast: poached eggs, bacon, toast, pancakes, tea, the usual.  kev's sisters showed up shortly with their loved ones and we opened our gifts.  Moses, again, was spoiled rotten.  he and Andie got a massive John Deere tractor to ride around the backyard!  kev and i are living vicariously through Moses as neither of us had anything quite as extravagant.  he got more trucks, more trucks, trucks, trucks, trucks and trucks.  we spent the day just lounging, i was lucky enough to sneak in a little nap with my two little ones until Chloe woke up for another feed.  i am so thankful that they do not wake one another up!  Chloe sleeps through Moses' daily horseplay and Moses has yet to be awoken by her baby cries.

*i apologize for my crappy and inconsistent capitalization

i need to speak about my little boy.  first of all, he is most definitely not little anymore.  i knew he was huge before Chloe was born but she really drives the point home now that she is here, his hands and feet are so big!  his fingers extend JUST past the top of my palms and i think his feet are now a full 7.  i lifted him for the first time at the hospital since i no longer have my belly and i can not believe how all my family and friends have managed to do so because he is one dense little dude.  just a week ago he was my cuddly little bear and now in comparison to Chloe he is a full-on hulkamaniac.

anyway... i need to touch more on his personality.  since he's been back home, things have felt a little better but for the few days that he was away with my mom and kev's parents, he seems to have gone under a serious change and it has made me and kevin feel insanely overemotional.  he is active and excited and still has his awesome personality but it just feels like something is off.  he has taken so well to Chloe to this day, giving her kisses and waving hello and seeming concerned when she cries... so i don't know if he is really bothered at all by her presence or if it was the length of separation from us.  it was only a few days, but a day to us is probably 3 days to a toddler.  he stayed at my mom's sunday and monday night.  we saw him at the hospital tuesday.  he stayed at kev's parents tuesday night and then went to my mom's in the afternoon and stayed the night again.  

he seems to have matured immensely... he seems to understand the concept of Chloe becoming part of our family and it does not seem to upset or disturb him.  he continues to play independently...  he just seems to be different.  i can't put my finger on it.  he is acting up a little more but we are unsure as to whether that is because of (a) Chloe (b) having had a change in his structure and discipline styles (c) his toddler stage.  he has also had a burst of learning within the few days he was away.  his talking is improving, he is making and attempting way more sounds and words, he is trying to communicate a lot more and just seems to understand more in general.

i am feeling very sad and guilty about him.  i love him so much and i can't stop help feeling as if i am cheating him out of good times with mom now that Chloe needs my attention more.  i feel guilty and almost awkward to come near and play with him because it feels like he knows i know that he misses my company and attention.  if he does, he doesn't show it.  he never acts upset the hundreds of times a day that i am breastfeeding and rocking Chloe.  he's been so good about her arrival and it makes the guilt so much more difficult.

i'm tired.  my thoughts and feelings are all over the place.  i've written this in a number of segments so i apologize for the jumbliness.



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