labour of love love love love love

my coco is here
7:25pm monday december 20 2010
8lbs 6oz.

i am going to try to keep this brief for the time being (bc i'm exhausted and should actually be going to bed...) and hopefully be able to fill-in more details later on.  it's been two days so i'll be lucky if i remember much of anything at this point...

Monday morning my doctor called me and offered me the opportunity to go to Women's and have them break my waters.  I was very taken aback... this is too good to be true!!!! ... i should probably not make a rash decision!

I spoke with my sister, my cousin, Kevin, and Renee upon her arrival.  the collective vote was GO FOR IT!  Renee and I took a walk down the beach way (which smelled like poop) to see if we could still get things started on our own.  We had yummy veggie sammiches for lunch from Ossie's and left for Women's shortly after Kevin got home around Noon.

We arrived around 1:30pm and sat in the waiting room for about 3 hours watching all these other "pregnant" ladies come and go to be induced for early labour.  I say "pregnant" because none of them looked it while I sat there with my big ol' hot air balloon.

Things weren't looking good.  It was a super busy afternoon and I expected to be sent home for lack of available rooms but as 4 o'clock rolled around I was given the good news and lead upstairs to one of the large rooms in Cedar!  my vitals were checked, Chloe's heartrate checked and my doctor pulled out what looked like a gigantic knitting needle... with a hook at the end!!!!  I almost asked her if it would hurt but realized how stupid it would be to ask such a question just before going into labours.  It actually didn't hurt at all despite feeling the needle scraping over and over against my "balloon" sac.  Once she was finally able to nick and rupture my waters it felt grossssssssssssss.  I felt a gush of chocolate pudding mixed into a large bowl of water come pouring out and goo all over my butt.  SEXY!

From then on, Kev Renee and I wandered the hospital corridors to get my contractions going... which they did!  They came on quite soon and progressively regular... and stronger.  THANK YOU CONTRACTIONS APP FOR ITOUCH.  i was feeling very happy.  I was so happy that contractions came naturally and regularly and that no induction would be required.  We did short trips, back and forth between my room to different areas of the hospital until the contractions became too strong.

THEY WERE STRONG.  They were definitely beastly pains but something about them being natural made them less dominating than the ones I experienced when being induced with Moses.  The induced contractions were very ... cold?  robotic?  get the job done...  The natural ones in all their force were seemingly more bearable (hahahahahahahardly) because my body knew what it was doing and what needed to be done.  Everything went so fast!  It seemed like everything was divided into sections and each section required only 3-4 reps before moving on.  I remember kneeling up on the bed with my arms around Kev's neck, waving my hips back and forth and using his familiar smell to create endorphins to help me through contractions.

The doctors got me to lie down (not what I wanted to do as I would be stationary once another contraction came on and not being able to move made contractions infinitely WORSE...)  as they sensed my contractions worsening so that they could check how far dilated I was.  I was 8cm!!!!  I HATE THIS PART!  I was now stuck lying on the bed because I was in too much pain to kneel or stand back up.  I was lying on my left side facing Kevin and seriously just DYING through these really rugged-ass contractions wailing until the nurse tells me to stop and to switch from my long-winded yelling to short breaths.  For a moment I feel like I'm going to faint and tell people so.  The short breathing feels scary but it helps to my surprise.  This isn't helping.. this IS helping!... this isn't helping... it IS helping!!!

I'm supposed to roll onto my back so my doctor can check me again but I'm terrified of moving so they roll me against my will and I want to die as her hand delves deep and she is massaging the hell out of my cervix to thin it and push it to 10cm so I can start pushing.  THIS IS HELL: I am having contractions sent  from the bowels of hell and unable to move while my insides are being stirred and stretched around.  I am feeling the urge to push but loudly told NO!!!

The tray is wheeled closer to the bed and it is time to start pushing and I am doing my best not to panic because I'm told I'm close and will have this baby by 8pm.  I am desperately trying to peer beyond the shoulders blocking the clock to see what time it is to gauge how much time until 8pm and how long I would have to push because I am quite sure at this point that I'm not going to make it and that I might just die first.  My doctor keeps telling me that I am close and she is going to be here soon soon soon.  At this point my ass is about to explode.  I am surrounded by people that are pulling my legs up by my head and people are yelling at me to push.  I push with my vagina but people are giving me bad feedback and telling me to push with my butt but I seriously feel like if I push out of my butt I am going to release a massive battalion of flying shit... but I do anyway and the moment I do, everyone starts cheering me on and telling me Chloe is coming!

THIS IS CRAZY.  From the moment I had to lay on my side, labour was all inside my head, it was all mental, no visuals which is probably why it is so hard for me to remember everything.  My eyes are mostly closed and I am doing my best to focus on my third eye and mentally coerce myself into a state of calm.  I am yelling YES YES YES and smiling through my contractions which surprisingly helps a lot!  Positive thinking and energy truly work.  My mind and body are one, and with each strengthening contraction I simultaneously feel "I CAN'T DO IT IF IT GETS ANY WORSE / I CAN DO THIS, THIS COULD BE WORSE / HOW AM I DOING THIS? / I AM DOING THIS!".  So much mental work!!!!!

IT IS TIME TO PUSH and it is crazy.  I bear down with my ass and my chin to chest and push holding my breath as my doctor counts to 10.  Each time she says 10 I expect to take a break but everyone yells at me to do it again so I obey the mob surrounding me holding me hostage with my knees at my ears and keep pretending to take the biggest shit of my life.  I can feel Chloe's head pushing and squeezing out as people yell that they see her head.  I am excited because it feels like she is already a few inches out but then someone tells me otherwise and I panic like hell thinking I am going to have to push for AN HOUR like with Moses and if I am already feeling like she is halfway out I am TRULY TRULY GOING TO DIE.   I don't have much time to think as I am still being told to PUUUSSH until I come face to face with the notorious ring of fire.  There is no mistaking this bitch because my vagina very literally is on fire and yet again I am thinking back and forth "THIS IS THE WORST! / THIS COULD BE WORSE! / THIS IS THE WORST! / THIS COULD BE WORSE!" and I am not breathing because I am pushing and obeying "....six, seven, eight, nine, ten.... AGAIN!!!!" and "SHE'S COMING!  SHE'S COMING!" by Kevin and Renee and at this point I believe that they are not just trying to falsely encourage me but they really mean she is coming!  I am being told to reach down and feel her head or asked if I want a mirror but I keep declining not because I am grossed out but because I am too scared of losing my focus and being distracted.

My doctor was a fantastic coach and I can't believe I was able to keep up and follow directions through all the insanity.  She worked very diligently to make sure I didn't tear but it took an immense amount of mental power on my part because she directed me to PUSH! and STOP! 10 maybe 12 times on and off when all I wanted to do was push like crazy.  Meanwhile I'm still contracting like a rabid monster on speed and my vag is up in flames.  NO STITCHES!!!

I don't remember what I am feeling at this point because it is well beyond anything that I could ever compare it to but I am pushing with every ounce of physical and mental and emotional strength and screaming blood-curdling screams that are scaring the shit out of ME until I feel everything flush out of me and Chloe is on my chest and I am in a state of complete shock and amazement that I FUCKING DID IT!!!!!



  1. God I love you, Phan! Thanks so much for writing this! I think my vagina hurts in sympathy.

    Loooove you and your beautiful family!

  2. holy shit...the epic detail in your writing has left me grateful that I was born vagina-less.

    congratulations! see you guys tomorrow at xmas dinner!



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