limbo

godammit i tell you, this is all nails on a chalkboard kind of torture.  Moses, I love you.  I love you very very very much and I know you are just going through a phase of independence and frustration with your lack of communication skills, but you are not making this any easier.

i have to say this is really a challenge.  i'm emotionally and physically totally beyond the point of sanity and having to listen to Moses scream or cry over stupid shit is just more than i can bear.  he fights or runs at the sign of diaper time or when we have to get changed to go out.  i am physically incapable of "hurrying" and even less capable of utilizing any WWF moves in order to pin him down while he screams like a $#**!!.  i have had to employ deep breathing techniques and utilize every iota of patience in my #&*&% body to talk him through his freak-outs and get him to calmly cooperate.  i can not tell you how immensely draining it is to do this and to have to do it a handful of times a day while some tiny baby continues to kick me defiantly and remind me that she won't be coming out until she stops.

my pelvis is in a state of disrepair.  i swear to god i feel like it is going to shatter some days and that i will need to call 911 and undergo a c-section to avoid permanent damage.

the "no amount of poking or prodding" statement stands true.  we've done the sex.  i march myself around for walks to the point where i am all but immobile.  i have had inducing massages.  i am still taking care of a psychotic toddler.

i am so stressed out right now.  housework and any light physical activity seems to bring on stress and possible "contractions" but they are random contractions that have less to do with labour and more to do with pissing my body off.  and i have to say that i am doing all i can to not to feel bitter and resentful towards chloe right now.  every time she moves i just want to scream at her to just stop and get out.  i feel like i am being mocked and taunted by her which is obviously completely ridiculous, but i can't help it.  I WANT TO THROW MOSES AT THE WALL EVERYTIME I HEAR HIM FUCKING SCREAM/WHINE.  i just hate it.  i hate how at this stage they are so bi-polar!!!  they are beautiful and i am completely awestruck by his development and blooming personality and at the same time they are the biggest pieces of shit!

so i feel like i'm going insane.

kev took the week off.  he didn't wait for tomorrow, he took today off.

i am so stressed out.  i can't deal with this i just can't and i feel like i am going to shoot myself - STOP MOVING CHLOE!!!!!!! - if she doesn't come soon...  tomorrow is the due date.  i know it means nothing.  it totally means nothing at this point.  i hate it.  friday is kev's BIL's birthday.  i don't want a shared birthday.  my sister will be here friday.  i don't want to be in the goddam hospital while she is here.  we are supposed to go for dim sum with my dad's family so they can meet Derek and then it is pre-Christmas Christmas at kev's Nana's in the evening.  I AM GOING TO FEEL SO MISERABLE IF I AM STILL FUCKING PREGNANT OR IF I AM IN THE HOSPITAL.  AND I DON'T WANT A CAPRICORN EITHER.  CAPRICORNS DO NOT BE OFFENDED.  i am just tired of all this stuff changing on me...

i hate these fake contractions
i hate feeling like chloe is taunting me
i hate moses' screaming
i hate that it's almost christmas
i hate how much physical and emotional crap i am going through

this was a big nasty rant post

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