and so it continues...

i am having a really tough time with myself right now.  i'm a positive person so no matter how much i may hate a situation i always inevitably end up convincing myself "it's not that bad..." and really it never is in hindsight but right now i'm in the thick of things and my heart and chest are taking an emotional beating from motherhood.


i know moses could be worse... I KNOW it could be way way worse.  it doesn't mean things are great or that i should shut up, my feelings and frustrations are still valid.  it's 10:30pm and it has probably been about half an hour of sitting by hid bedside (after 45 mins of bedtime routine...).  he is still soothing himself to sleep and i believe the only reason he let me leave without a fight is because i had tears in my eyes looking at him and just pleading with my bodylanguage to fall asleep.  i am so sick of it.  i've had it with this bedtime bullshit.  it seriously just drives me up the walls that he is either a) playing around or b) requires company to settle down AND I JUST DON'T HAVE THE GODDAMN PATIENCE TO SIT IDLY BY HIS BED WATCHING HIM ROLL AROUND 50 MILLION TIMES AND NOT BE ANYWHERE CLOSE TO SLEEPING.  and i just HATE that being my option other than leaving the room and having him come in and out so many effing times while i tell him so many effing times "moses, please go to your room.  moses please go to bed.  moses it's time for sleeping. etc etc et-fucking-cetera".  


i dno't have the patience, i don't have the energy!!!!  most of it has already been spent on an entire day of convincing him to "come here, follow me, eat your food eat your food eat your food sit down stay still it's diaper time eat your food DO NOT HIT/KICK COCO! stop screaming use your quiet voice it's nap time please go to sleep you need to rest no more momo (momo = computer/cell phone/vid camera that has videos of him on it that he lvoes watching) don't touch the TV DON'T TOUCH THE TV!!!!............."


i'm so sick of the constant convincing and patience day in and day out mixed in with being sleep deprived from feeding coco at night.  i'm losing steam as much as i am having help and company.  


i'm emotionally stressed and exhausted from having two completely different demands, two completely different kinds of crying/screaming/whining.  i'm ecstatic about breastfeeding going so well but i hate that it prohibits or limits my intoxication intake which i'm feeling more and more desperate for in order to take the edge off this emotional rollercoaster.


i'm also very stressed out about the "violent" nature that moses displays.  i know that a lot of it is just the age he is at, but i know from experience that you can not completely convince another parent who has not yet reached that stage with their child that IT IS THE TERRIBLE TWOS, MY CHILD ISN'T EVIL AND I AM NOT A BAD PARENT.  and yet moses putting (his 11 month old cousin) Andie in a choke hold tonight after the past few months of random hits to the face really put me over the edge tonight.  i am upset that he is doing this and of the way my in-laws possibly feel about Moses and/or me and Kev and i am upset because i can not help but wonder if it IS us and the lack of attention he is getting these days with chloe around.  and it is an incredible guilt and sadness!  it makes me feel so awful as a mother to feel like i am "neglecting" my child to be able to split myself both ways.


and on top of all this worry and stress and lack of sleep and patience and little quality time spent with kev, i am still trying to deal with how i feel about myself physically.  i know it's been 6 weeks.  i know that is still very early in the game but i am still so down on myself.  i've gone from a 34 to a 39 in the chest and have 10" on my waist and 20lbs to lose despite what my clothes help me get away with.  it makes shopping hell but on the flip side it makes for saving money since nothing fits anymore...  AND ALL I WANT AND DO IS EAT COOKIES.  breastfeeding requires me to eat more than i did when i was pregnant so i feel like i am just eating myself into a worse state but i actually NEED it to not feel like i am starving every couple of hours from feeding coco.


oh and when am i ever going to have sex again?  to think what got us here to the days of sleep over sex was sex over sleep... HA!  the good old days.



Comments

  1. awwwww mommaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!
    i feel your pain, although obvs i'm not a mom. it is so hard. i've seen you with both. BUT you are a good mom. a great mom! you are trying so much. and to see your emotional and physical exhaustion just proves it even more.
    (i really think you should not be putting up with moses not sleeping and get a lock on his door!) it's not fair to you.
    these coupla months have been hard. i feel you. they've kinda been hard on me too in other ways...
    keeping you guys in my prayers.
    xoxo.

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