mooo mooooooo AKA why i feel like a cow

so here is the whiny post about postpartum body image.  i'm doing well.  i am pulling off looking smaller than i am with certain clothing and/or by wearing chloe in the carrier to disguise true extension of my boobs and belly.  i need to buy bras.  and i can't go to the mall.  i need to buy a NORMAL bra and i need to buy a breastfeeding bra. 


three problems:
problem ONE
i currently have two styles of breastfeeding bras, one which makes me look like i have the saggiest tits on earth because without underwire.

 face it, nothing else is going to help lift and support the weight of my tits. the other is the one i settled for a few months back, the 36E.  


this bra is great initially but as the day goes on it shifts and loses its support and instead of lifting and pushing my breasts together and up, they push my boobs down and to the sides.  


as per the "normal" 32 and 34 DD bras i have, they are hardly fitting.  they will fit initially as well but throughout the day they will start to puff out beyond the seams and the band will have floated an inch away from my chest.

problem TWO
Shipping Charges for Canada:
Total Order (before discounts and taxes)Shipping and Handling Charges
$55.00 and under$5.75
$55.01 - $140.00$8.50
Over $140.01$11.00
buying online is almost as much torture as bra shopping in stores.  not only are you having visions of the change-room disappointments happen in the comfort of your own bedroom, but you have the added anxiety of the shipping&handling costs (costs that increase according to the cost of your order WHICH BTW should DECREASE NOT INCREASE with a more expensive order because SERIOUSLY HOW MUCH DOES A BRA WEIGH AND HOW MUCH MORE SPACE COULD IT POSSIBLY TAKE THAT YOUR SHIPPING COST SHOULD GO FROM $5 TO $11?!?!!?!!!!!!!) for your product to arrive AND possibly to be shipped back if it doesn't fit!  which brings me to problem..


3) HOW DO YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT SIZE YOU ARE?????  i am currently wearing 32 and 34 DD and the 36E.  some sizing charts tell you to measure beneath your bust and others tell you to measure above the bust and under the arm pits.  



OR

Keeping the measuring tape parallel with the ground, measure around your bra directly under your bust after expelling all air from your lungs - you want this measurement to be as small as possible. Round all fractional measurements to the nearest whole number.

If the measurement is even, add 4"
If the measurement is odd, add 5"

Standing straight, with your arms at your side, measure at the fullest part of your bust (while wearing a non-padded bra) making sure the measuring tape is parallel with the ground and not binding.
Round all fractional measurements to the nearest whole number.


Subtract your band measurement (step 1) from your cup measurement (step 2). Generally, for each inch in difference, the cup goes up by one size. See the cup size conversion chart here.

Example:
Step 1: 34" under measurement +4" = 38" band
Step 2: 40" over measurement
Step 3: 40" - 38" = 2" or Cup "B"
Your size would be 38B




If The Difference Is:Your Standard Cup Size Is:
0"-1/2" (1.3 cm)AA
1/2"- 1" (2.6 cm)A
2" (5.1 cm)B
3" (7.6 cm)C
4" (10.2 cm)D
5" (12.7 cm) DD or E
6" (15.2 cm)DDD or F
7" (17.8 cm)G
8" (20.3 cm)H
9" (22.9 cm)I
10" (25.4 cm)J



and if that isn't annoying enough, some sites will say "D/DD(E)".  what the hell does that mean?!?!!!!  is it a D a DD or an E????  you can't be all three otherwise there wouldn't be three different choices!!!!  


so i'm really horribly annoyed and frustrated right now.  also i love this set even though i know i am not going to look like this hot bitch if i order it.  BUT I WANT IT.




I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO I HATE BUYING BRAS

ANAL INCONTINENCE
so bc i don't feel gross enough as my body makes its slow passage through my external physical transition, my internal transition is also in a state of nasty repair.  my intestines are slowly shifting themselves back into place and as a result, i am having a million farts a day, all which are highly intensely toxic putrid clouds of death from the rotting bowels of hell.  and when i tell you they are toxic, i  kid you not
DO NOT READ PAST THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T STOPPED ALREADY AND ARE GROSSED OUT BY HUMAN BIOLOGY
when i am breastfeeding or sitting in general, when a pass of gas makes its way out, it tunnels through and occasionally gets stuck in the folds of my vagina and stings.  yes, STINGS.  JUST A SIDENOTE for katherine and any other first time moms that this is a possibility.  and just in case you don't believe me www.babycenter.com/0_postpartum-anal-incontinence_1157264.bc

Comments

  1. you are 100x hotter than that girl.
    i cannot measure myself. go to a good store (not la senza etc) get them to measure you then order said bra. (i know that sort of defeats the purpose of buying online but if you can't find anything as good then you should)

    link? i wanna save that for when i have milk coming out of me.

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  2. GAH! I also hate bras and don't let yourself buy the fancy one, you know it's just going to get covered in gross yellow milk stains.

    ReplyDelete
  3. my friend said there is a fab place in langley that carries all the crazy sizes
    http://foreveryourslingerie.ca/ so i am going to head out there this weekend.

    taryn, that is EXACTLY what kevin told me hahahha. i don't know why i am even toying with the option of looking for shmancy breastfeeding bras when they will get stained, when i have nobody to impress and even if i did i have no libido anyway LOL

    gah this post is full of bad errors also i apologize

    ReplyDelete

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