her name was wednesday

sometimes i think about having named Chloe "Sunday".  like an ice cream sunday. like monster truck SUNDAY!SUNDAY!SUNDAY!  sunday as in the day of rest.  it has a nice restful feeling and makes me think of wearing one's cute vintage sunday best.  it makes me think of a peaceful sunrise.  

chloe had and is having a good sleep in.  momo has been fairly calm this morning.  he is currently eating yogurt with blueberries and oats while watching Mater's Tall Tales.  i'm pretty sure this is the 50-60th time that i have watched this dvd, it is sure to start skipping or dying on us soon!  as peaceful as this morning is, i wish i were alone.  i don't want the looming feeling that either of them will need me at any moment's time because i have a lot on my mind that i'd really like to put down...  and of course i can hear coco waking up right now :(

i was reading my diaries from momo's first year.  i'm feeling really disappointed and frustrated...  i was 92lbs before pregnant with moses.  that escalated to 126lbs.  i swear to god it took me a long time to lose the weight but apparently my memory is worse than i thought... by the 3rd month i had gone down to 102lbs.  well... this pregnancy i went from 97lbs to 124lbs and i have been stuck at 116lbs for the past 3 months.  i am not cool with this.  i figured if i managed to breastfeed that i would lose the weight faster.  i figured because i'd be running around with TWO i would lose it faster.  i figured because i was able to at least pull my jeans all the way up this time that it was an indication i'd lose it faster....  but no.  so i'm feeling rather depressed about that.  i have to say, with moses i wasn't eating like a cow nor was i breasfeeding him exclusively.  my other excuse is that my boobs are even huger this time round and i've been meaning to try to weigh them to back up this excuse.

not that i even have money to be spending, but god damn do i miss shopping.  there are so many things that i just can NOT wear.  i pull them off the hangers and remember how tiny i used to be and how sweet and outfit i could put together... now it's jeans and a slightly loose cotton shirt with a low neck.  that is my staple.

also, in reading my diaries i had written a lot of how i felt about my newfound identity or lack thereof...  i'm so busy this time around trying not to be depressed that i don't have a lot of time to get in touch with myself and confront these feelings...  in last week's discussion of our past issues, k asked me if i thought i had changed since the incident.  i felt so insulted by this.  my . life . is . upside down .  i don't have the time or energy to even think of myself.  i am a million shadows away from being who i used to be.  i used to be so happy and content with myself, i loved who i was.  becoming a mother was like throwing that person into a blender and gluing the pieces back together.  OF COURSE i am a different person!  i am an ENTIRELY different person!  i may not yet know who i have become but i haven't really had the time to reflect and oragnize all my new "gifts" from motherhood into a solid identity.  sigh

to be continued...


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