Peace's Pieces

i'm having total angry mom feelings today.  kevin is lucky coco is a fairly good sleeper and even luckier that she is breastfed so that even during the few times she wakes up to eat he doesn't even have to feed her. you know what i would like in return?  how about when she starts to cry on the inconsolable side of crying, offering to take her?  that would be kind.  seriously, i have been waking up with the dawn some mornings as she will sometimes take a while to settle down.  it is a depressing feeling to be awake in the dark and slowly have the room brighten to dim... followed by increasingly louder padding of feet and an approaching whiny cry that is Moses, cranky as hell from waking up.

yes kevin took moses back to bed.  yes he then came back and took chloe.  i'm still mad.

i know where this anger comes from and i know it isn't fair to kevin but it also isn't fair to moms.  it isn't fair to be the primary caretaker from 8-5:30 of a needy newborn and a terrible two-er at the same time, to watch the clock and do the 5:30 countdown everyday with desperation even though once kev gets home it still means i don't get a break since i suck at cooking and he does the cooking.  it isn't fair that when i plan for him to take the kids while i take a breather in the other room that i have to hear "crying" and wonder why he is incapable of handling the situation the way i would and be able to stop the crying.  it's not fair that i have to leave my so-called break to take chloe back so that she'll shut the hell up.  it's not fair that kevin doesn't know what to do, it's not his fault.  it's not fair that even if i tell him what to do, chloe will just be crying because she wants me and will stop crying the second i hold her.

it's not fair that all of this can't help but make me feel like i am not me, but just MOM.

it's not fair that we are both frustrated and slamming and hitting things.  it's not fair that both of us feel more deserving to slam and hit things and that the other person should take a hike.

and this is why you need to have a sturdy foundation with the person you have babies with because when you are both sleep deprived and you are at the beck and call of tiny whiny bitchy needy human beings 24/7  24/7 24/7 24/7 24/7 24/7 not to mention your finances are choking on one income and your body is a far cry from what it used to be and nobody has had sex for months.... yeah, you'll need that foundation to keep you together.

it's hard.  but it's temporary.  one day they will be in school from 8:30-3pm and you will be a PERSON again.  you can ask them how their day was and they will buckle their seatbelts and tell you in great detail the gossip of the day.  you can spend that day working hard at your job with adults who speak the same language as you and don't require constant bribery to be on their best behavior OR you can spend it having a nice drink and lunch with another mom friend who is also enjoying their freedom.  i can blog sitting up against the desk instead of 6 inches away with a breastfeeding pillow propped up and a tiny mouth suckling my nipple blue.  ok so the last one i might miss a little bit just because she is like the tiniest little baby tiger...

sigh.

it has been a rough day,  after getting coco dolled up for her passport photo i had to painfully scour the horrid racks at Sear's for a "darker" outfit for the photo.  i had to do this 3 times.  i wanted to kill the lady.

i don't know how i survive these sorts of days.  moms are amazing.

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