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this week has been a challenge.  with a new baby in tow, the inevitable fights of who's got it worse has finally made it's ugly return.  on the topic of parenting kevin commented:

"i never said i was a great parent, i just do my best to make it through the day..."
which of course set me right off...
S: "(scoff) you're not even HOME for most of the day!"
K: "...grumble grumble..."
S: "...what??"
(k hits the pedal and we go zooming so fast we go BACK TO THE FUTURE!)
S: "...who's chasing us?"
K: (silence)

this was our conversation on the drive home from my mom's after dropping off momo thursday night.  it was such a shame because we were having such a great conversation leading up to it.

it's a super challenging time during these first few months with a new baby.  god, i remember feeling this way up until moses was 6 months!  it is such a challenge because i believe a lot of the anger and bitterness on the mother's part comes from a valid place, but it is a place that renders both persons an unfair position.  as mothers, we are biologically programmed to be the primary caretakers.  we are the ones that carried the baby for those gruelling 9 months and in turn continue to be connected by the invisible emotional umbilical cord following the birth.  we don't all decide or are capable of breastfeeding, but many of us do try in those first painful weeks of recovery and gong show of bouncing/rocking on little sleep, to breastfeed which makes it OUR job to be with the baby 98% of the time.  and the kicker, in many but not all cases, is that baby knows our smell and will potentially not be happy when it recognizes it is not with its mother when the mother needs a break.  when someone else is "taking care" of the baby and it is crying, we can not help (as our boobs start to leak at the sound of our baby's cry...) but want to take the baby back since we know how to soothe the baby best. (it's true about the leaking boobs!  i was pumping last night and the flow was on the weak side but as soon as coco started crying i was filling that bottle noooo problem!  so creepy....)

it isn't that i am closed off to the idea that bread-winner dad's have it hard but i just can't imagine their workday being harder.  in some cases, yes, maybe.  everyone has bad days BUT everyone that goes to work has only him or herself to look after.  everyone has bad days BUT they have a coffee break and/or lunchbreak that is guaranteed to them.  granted they might need to lose that break every now and then but for the majority of the time, they can look forward to that break.  with moms, it is not the case... they don't know when their next break will be and it is never guaranteed that they will even get one!  it is an extremely emotionally taxing job to care for a child's life.  the patience that is required is beyond anything that you can possibly imagine.  and it isn't 9-5pm.  it's 24/7 because even when they start sleeping through the night, those days aren't forever.  every friend of moses including moses is still waking up in the middle of the night right now.

i just can't believe k was trying to convince me that going to work as a dad is as stressful as if he were single or without children.  i personally don't see it as being as stressful since you wouldn't want to lose your job anyway so you wouldn't be slacking off.  most people will work hard to keep their jobs as it is an enormous pain and inconvenience to write and distribute resumes to find a job.  i am not saying that working is NOT stressful by any stretch because i know work can be stressful.  i guess i am usually set off in situations where it seems like there is a comparison happening.  THERE IS NO COMPARISON. if you've had a bad day i will let you have it, but come on "i just try to make it through the day..." GIVE ME A BREAK.

once k gets home from work he plays with moses a little bit before making dinner.  during dinner it is a joint effort to get moses to eat all his food, while i am usually holding chloe when eating.  i have yet to be offered the chance to eat my dinner sans baby and often she hates having to sit on my lap and starts crying which means i have to get up and bounce her until kev is finished eating, until moses is finished eating and until kevin has finished cleaning moses before i can give chloe to kev so i can eat.  the rest of the evening is playing with moses until bedtime rolls around.  sometimes k does the full routine (bath/clothing/stories/bed).  other times i will do bath and clothing or the whole shabang.  but really, in the scheme of a whole day how many hours is he really hands on parenting?  a maximum of 4?  whereas i am literally every frigging hour of the day except for the interrupted sleep from feedings and the afternoons where having them BOTH sleep is a constant gamble.  so even once moses goes to bed, k is mostly a free man while i still have to cater to chloe's last feedings.

i will admit that on good days i do have it great.  BUT THEY ARE WELL DESERVED.  WELL WELL WELL deserved.  like yesterday.  i woke up pretty awake and had breakfast while coco slept.  i got ready and fed her when she woke up and spent the entire rest of the morning and afternoon just lounging at saara's house watching the Food Network.  chloe slept for 3 hours :) .  k came home and we drove out to my mom's to pick up moses.  james and ada showed up which is always wonderful company.

today was wonderful as well.  another well-deserved day.  renee set up a free massage for me in Gastown this morning and offered (i had to twist her arm... NOT) to take coco.  it was my first massage where i wasn't pregnant or had moses running around.  it was so wonderful and relaxing i fell asleep!  our friend Tanis was in after me and so she got to meet coco.  i went for a delish tea and muffin at this cute little cafe with renee before heading back to the car.  on my way out of downtown i decided to call up my cousin lauren to see if she was up for a quick visit.  she and her beau were leaving shortly to see a movie but she said to come by.  it was fortunate that i did as i left with a bag of: 2 fresh baked loaves (one with nuts and chocoalte, the other with some fruity stuffs yum!), 3 cans of the Trader Joe's chick peas i am obsessed with and a tub of Trader Joe's 0% fat Greek Yogurt.

see... here is where i get angry even though i shouldn't be, but still am.  kevin had moses while i was gone but he went to his parents' house.  he didn't stay home with him and clean the house and do the laundry and blah blah blah.  he went to his parents' whom actually TOOK moses until 130-2pm while k got to do work on whatever he wanted.  his parents then dropped a passed out moses off at our place, moses slept for 2 hours while kev got to do MORE work.  chloe was so sweet as to fall asleep not too long after feeding her BUT STILL I WAS ANGRY.  it's NOT FAIR.  even if i have a good day it's NOT fair.  it isn't that i want k to be miserable, i just want him to know what it is like.  since coco was born he has had the two of them on his own ONCE for like 1-2hours!

i hate it!  and i know i'm going to keep feeling like this for a number of months until coco gets easier.  i hate it!  it's harder this time round because with one kid you distance a certain amount.  we got pregnant just as our relationship was starting to mend itself back together and our sex life started to "normalize".  then we got pregnant and unlike our first pregnancy, my vag got uncomfortable VERY FAST and our sex life went waaaaaaaay down.  so we've had quite a long run of our relationship being strained and now here we are with TWO kids which pulls us even further apart.  i am really sad.  i LOVE kevin and i miss our time together.  there is so much that needs to get done when we do have time that to spend it together just to be together is low on the priorities list.

in the end i know everything will be just fine.  i know where the light is at the end of the tunnel this time and it isn't that long when i see how fast things have gone with moses.  as hard as these times are i need to appreciate the good parts because chloe won't be this sweet little pumpkin dumpling forever and as stressful as it is to be at her beck and call all hours of the day, she is such a darling baby.  i need to remind myself that it does get easier (and harder... and easier...) and me and k will DEFINITELY get back to a point where we can reconnect again as a couple and not just be a parental slave unit.

last things:
1) we did the weekly Rawlins family dinner and Moses was so much better... in general!  he ate ALL his food no problem.  he attempted to go at Andie mildly just a couple of times but was intercepted.  we also made it a point that by 8pm we calmed down the play and just had him go on the computer with Grandma.  i'm also overjoyed to report that both Grandma AND shannan offered to help hold coco so that i could eat dinner  :)

2) after bathing coco and feeding her to sleep tonight, i got off the bed to grab her blanket and noticed through the gap between crotch buttons that i had forgotten to put on her diaper!  of course, being the amazing mom i am i managed to undo her buttons and slip the diaper under her bum and redress her WITHOUT waking her up!

now it is 11:23pm and i am going to go to bed.


  1. I just realized I meant to comment on this but didn't.

    I love how honest you are. You are so self aware and strong. This entry was terrifying but also so refreshing.

    Thanks for that.



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