what big eyes you have my dear!

diary excerpt from last night

the future is here.  it's 15 years later, stephanie: this is your life, your wonderful beautiful life.  counting the years, the past doesn't seem that far away but here you are now, you've been with the love of your life for 14 years this summer and officially together for half your lives with two angelic children in tow.  this, here, is what you yearned so hard for!  you fell in love with every boy in school and were criticized for "liking everyone", but it was only because you were so set to find love.  you found it.  you've built a home.  sure, a few big bad wolves blew out some windows, but lucky you, you found a phenomenal person who just happened to know the tricks of building a solid foundation.

i can't believe this is my life.  after all these years, i'm living my dream.  it is so horribly corny, but it truly has brought me so much happiness to find love, have a fabulous wedding day and bring two tiny lives into this world.  this is it.  i can't believe.  i am forever grateful.

kevin is so wonderful.  i don't give him enough credit.  it's hard for both of us to understand the world we live in when we are apart.  i often harbour feelings of resentment when he get weekend afternoons to himself while i mind the "napping" kids.  it's "work" he does, but to me it's still a form of freedom.  he gets the opportunity to be in solitude and create and design things or as of late, organize things to be sold for extra cash.  he is able to be "useful" (hahah Thomas the train...)  I, on the otherhand. end up feeling trapped in a never ending cycle of motherhood in a body that i hate.  i love Moses and Chloe but the mindlessness, the repetition, the dependency and the thankless whining truly get to be overwhelming and create an inevitable state of frustration and depression.

kevin is working late right now.  it's almost midnight.  he is putting together th eoffice which is looking so amazing.  he's doing it for me :)  i am so lucky, so very very lucky to have married such a fantastic, talented, kindhearted and hardworking person.

i haven't written privately since last summer.
there is so much inside of me.

slowly coming together


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