nerves and ulcers

i don't know what an ulcer is or feels like but i feel like i have one.
i had developed this "ulcer" in the last week or two prior to la at which point it went away.
well it's back.
and i don't know what to do.
i am sick to my stomache with these two kids.  on the one hand, moses is putting up a fight over e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.  over eating his food, puttig on a diaper, putting on clothes, washing his hands, holding your hand when out walking... he says "nope" then starts toddle-running away from you.  and when trying to talk to him nicely into doing it doesn't work and i have to break out the physical force he breaks out the bratty whining crying guns and pulls and kicks.  i feel like i hate my own son.  i can't stand the site of his face these days and i don't know what to do.  whenever i'm in the kitchen he races over and starts pushing me away from the counter and asking for ten million thing including wanting me to pick him up, all things which he is not allowed OR he needs to wait 5 minutes for me to finish what i am doing.  BUT NO.  he has a total meltdown at my feet or does his bratty little run-and-cry.
also.  his ass is bleeding because he keeps scratching it and it's pissing me off.

i can't deal.  i don't know what to do.  chloe is also becoming aware that she and i are not one but TWO entities which means we can be apart which means she is left alone which makes her cry about 50% of the time that i put her down to go clean, take time for myself or even for the two seconds it takes me to run into the other room to grab her some clothes.  her skin is fabulous thanks to the new medication.  i'm going to try applying it to her head for a week to see how it works.  her eczema is up and down.  it's still more an ordeal than my current state of mind and emotion can deal with and sometimes i just want to cry whenever it comes time to reapply all these creams.  i'm just so fed up.

i miss myself.  i miss caring about myself.  i miss being able to just "be".  i am so busy jumpnig through these hoops to maintain both children that i don't have a moment to think.  those moments i do get are spent cleaning the shithole that is my house or working on projects that make me feel like i have some speck of worth.  we went for a walk tonight, kev left with the kids before me.  the empty house felt so good.  walking down the hall and outside with nothing to push or hold or carry felt alien and wonderful.  i could enjoy the cool evening air and the fading light of the sky turning colours.  then i caught up with the gang and it all went to hell.

i'm so sick of moses right now.  i'm just so sick of him.
my stomach is killing me.

Comments

  1. I cannot even fathom what you are going through right now, yet in some weird way, I completely empathize. I see my good friends and cousins struggle with one kid (most are between 1 and 3), and I just cant imagine what its like with 2. I know that I dont really know what I'm talking about because of complete lack of experience, but you have no idea how badly I wish I were there with you to distract Moses or help change diapers while Kevin is at work. You wrote this post really really well to where it moved me. I love you and I know you have amazing fans and family as support, but I KNOW you are still there, underneath the "mom-ness" of it all. It's coming to back full force before you know it....I can sense it! <3<3<3

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  2. omg, I need to proof read before I post. I meant "FRIENDS and family", not "fans". LOL. wow. Although, I am a friend AND a fan.

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