room for panic

i am having anxiety.  this week has been a challenge for me with the two kids.  the stereo crying and demand for attention is getting to be extremely overwhelming to the point where it feels like i am developing an ulcer.  it feels like my stomach and chest get wrapped in a straight jacket with the straps pulled to their limits.  i currently feel like i am writing for my life, hoping neither of them wake up for me.  i'm exhausted.  coco isn't bad at night but i am also not just caring for 1 child all day either.  having to jump from one to the other all day is an emotional and mental workout, i feel like i'm in a circus jumping through mo's hoop until the whistle blows for me to turn around and jump through coco's.  i love them and they ARE wonderful, but i need a break!  i need a break.  the last break i had was 3 weeks ago when i went to get my haircut and i left BOTH kids with renee and janet...

i need more time to myself.  i need peace.  i can't stop thinking of the scene in Date Night with Tina Fey and Steve Carrel when they get into a fight about their parental roles and Tina discloses, not her wild sex fantasy, but her fantasy of checking into a hotel on her worst day, ALONE, sitting down in an air conditioned room eating her lunch with a Diet Sprite; nobody touching her and for once not having everyone's day depending on her.  It just spoke right to me.  It's no offense to Kevin or any friends or family whom I absolutely love and thank for helping me so much, it's not that I wouldn't rather hang out or enjoy great conversation and company with any of them, but sometimes I just want to peace out unannounced and go away someplace and just be ALONE; just be alone to hear my own thoughts, to hear NOTHING, to not be needed!  To not be needed for a dirty diaper, for appajoce-appajooce-appajooce, for cuddles and rocking, to whip out my disgusting double FF tits for yet another meal, or to having to clean up a surprise mess of cereal all over the carpet.

I just need to be able to feel like I have some control over my life, to feel like I am allowed time to do things that I need or want to do and not be interrupted by crying and made to feel like my wants and needs are never important enough.  And even if I give myself time to do things I want/need, to have to deal with the crying or whining or pestering in the background.  It is beyond aggravating and puts me in a position where I feel like a bad mother for sometimes putting myself first just to feel like I was able to do something that was for me.

that is my main rant.

i would also like to vent about coco's skin conditions.  her cradle cap has improved with the use of Dimpleskins "Cradle Me" cream!  Taryn suggested it the other weekend and with nothing to lose but the annoying daily Baby Oil shampoos I tried it and it works FABULOUSLY.  I just happened to have received some as part of a set from Momo's baby shower its a natural product to boot!  Her head now requires less maintenance which is nice for both of us as I am sure she was not happy about all the scalp massaging.  Her last doctor's appointment ended with directions to apply a double amount of the prescription cream and if that did not improve things, I was given another oral prescription.  Well, as my luck would have it, we ended up having to purchase the oral prescription.  We started using it Sunday night, twice a day with a syringe that needs to be ever so slowly squirted into her mouth in tiny enough amounts that she will swallow.  Just a little too much and it comes pouring out the side of her mouth.

I can't tell what's going on now after a few days.  It seems like it has gotten better but I am unsure.  Her skin is less inflamed but it is dry and peely...  perhaps this is the bad/dead skin shedding and a good sign?  I am so tired of the maintenance of having to undress her and dress her 3 times a day to lube her up and listen to her cry for at least half the sessions.  Of course, Moses will run in while I'm doing it with shit on his hands from sticking them in his diaper or put on the appajooce/Choochoo/watch Cars record until I am done with Coco.  THEN I will have to leave her crying on the bed while I go an manage Moses.

I'm losing my mind.

I have started to cook dinner the past couple of days.  It's made me feel really great.  I realize it's ONE MORE THING that I have to do, but considering it's something different, it makes me feel good about myself as well as __________________ from the redundancy of the rest of my day.  It's almost like an escape... a good excuse to tell the kids to LEAVE ME A LONE.  I "have to" make dinner!

sigh.

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