happy birthday momo!

oh my oh my oh my goodness... i can not believe my momo is TWO.  how did this happen and when?!  when i look at coco being 5 months, i remember that is how old momo was when we first moved out here to Tsawwassen and when we first met Saara.  i look at her and can't believe she is that old and simultaneously can't believe moses was ever that small!  my little mo is a gigantasaurus rex!

my little momo at 3 days old

momo at Coco's age 5 months

they grow so fast!  every week makes a difference, every month is a completely different child.  i'm so caught up with keeping up with time and always thinking "this time last year...." but it's getting harder to remember already.  i can't believe coco is already 5 months.  it's happened so fast, too fast, and in another 5 months she'll be almost 1.  she'll be crawling and walking and talking and laughing with moses.  a year from now, momo will be THREE and coco will be 18 months!  and i know this year is going to fly.  the time is racing before my eyes and it's terrifying me...  i keep telling people that i can't see myself being a mom beyond age 5-6 because beyond that, i'm so scared of them growing up into people.  i'm scared of REALLY having to worry about them, how they are managing in school and who they are hanging out with, bad influences, popularity, self-esteem, periods and sex talks and desperately trying to instill in them a sense of self worth in spite of the media and society and peers.

moses, you are amazing.  you are truly so amazing.  you are a bright beautiful star and no matter how much you make me suffer, you awe me with your sharpness and melt me with your goofy laughter.  i know you have changed my life from one of self-indulgence to one of slavery and sacrifice, but god knows i love you like crazy and i am trying to be the best mom possible.  i wish i could write as well as kevin or many of my friends, this does no justice to how i am feeling...  

last year you took your first steps, in l.a.  the year before that, you came into my life and i didn't know what hit me.  i don't remember much and it is a pity.  it's definitely what makes people have more kids because they remember the good things, they remember the smallness and the innocence, but they forget that kids last forever hahaha.  these are really special years, and when i'm having a bad day, i try to envision myself in the future looking back on these days with that "vintage nostalgia" feeling that i get when looking at my family photos from the 70's and 80's... that feeling where everything seemed "perfect" and lamenting that i didn't know it.  i'm trying to KNOW IT and encapsulate it... the problem is, no matter how much i try to embrace these times, the days just melt together into one big unrecognizable mass of colour.  when i play with coco these days, i don't remember doing it with moses.  i don't remember him being her age.  i mean, i did it and so i know what to do... but i look at photos of moses and their development is just far too rapid this young that it is IMPOSSIBLE to remember them at each month for the early years of their lives.  it's punishing, but it's so tender at the same time.  

i'm so sad to see them growing up so fast.  it breaks my heart.  
having kids truly puts into perspective our mortality.  they are a constant reminder that you are getting older and older and it's very very real in a very depressing way.  they are maturing and you are shrinking.  i guess maybe that's a negative way to think about it...  it doesn't need to be negative, but when they are 10 i will be almost 40.  and what will i be then?  who will i have become?  how will my relationship with kev be?  will we still have our health?  where will we be living?  what will i be doing in terms of work/career?  it's only 10 years!  ugh... i need to stop and i need to go to bed.

in other news.  i need to mention that my eczema has returned on my left side of the neck and i am starting to feel symptoms returning with allergies to fruits/veggies and nuts.  LAMENT.


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