shellshock

feeling fragile.  like the leftover skin of a snake that's just finished shedding.

i feel crazy.  why does motherhood have to feel like a mental illness?  one moment you are pouring love bombs into your babies face and huffing the nape of their neck of all its glorious baby smell, the next moment it feels like someone is skinning the back of your head with a potato peeler as your baby is crying in the other room since you have nothing left to give after an hour of trying to put her down to sleep.  and it's almost 11pm.

i wavered back and forth between wanting to have a mother's day and ignoring mother's day and telling myself last sunday was my mother's day since the majority of today was spent at GotCraft.  i'm too tired to be angry that i didn't get anything or didn't go anywhere after the craft show.  i know that kev and i are just two old mares forever hauling a carriage of ballsacks.  yes, a carriage of testicles, probably bull testicles.  we barely woke up this morning in time to get up get ready and get the kids ready and the car packed.  we had to be outta here at 8:45 to drop off moses at O'Briens at 9am to get to Vancouver at 9:30am to set up my table for the 10am opening.  so clearly i did not have breakfast in bed...  kev drove out to north van to meet up with his dad to pick up a bunch of free truck parts and came back to bring me some lunch since we had no time this morning to pack me a lunch.

coco slept for a good hour or so in her carseat during the morning and then again for a couple of hours in the carrier.  needless to say, my back is sore as hell... as are my feet from being up and bouncing and swaying all afternoon.  meanwhile, kev picked up moses and brought him home for his nap before driving back out to pick me up.

wow,  so far this post is exhilirating and chockful of excitement.  well, one day you will be so lucky oh mothers-to-be!

(i don't understand why she isn't tired and doesn't want to go to sleep?)

so obviously kev had no time all day to plan anything and as much as i would have liked to go out to eat somewhere, we can't afford it and we would both be dead from juggling the kids at a restaurant... a BUSY mother's day restaurant.  so we ate at home and went for a walk.  he carried coco in the carrier since i had done my share for the day, but that meant i ended up pushing the stroller with eggs and juice in the seat and 12 cartons of milk in the underbasket and a whining moses on the wheel board WHILE carrying a backpack full of broccoli, carrots, and potatoes.

as per the success of GotCraft... i did pretty well.  i made $150 which covered the table, this beautiful scarf from k o v e and the stupid prints i got the other days WHICH i realized do not even fit in the effing frames.  EFF YOU STUPID TSAWWASSEN PRINTING COMPANY!  YOU SUCK!

that was my mother's day.

i've been obsessing a lot lately about my pre-children life.  i can't stop.  i'm so run down and i'm so tired and so frustrated and i know it's because of the kids so naturally my thoughts go to pre-children era when i think "my life was not always like this?" and "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!!!!!"  i swear to god, the number of times i think of just running away is obscene.  i don't understand why child-rearing has to be torture?   it IS!  the broken record of nails on a chalkboard, day in and day out is like Chinese Water Torture!  there is NO ESCAPE.  i'm so exhausted!  after so many long days like today, i always opt to go for a walk instead of drown in my bedsheets in harmonious peace because i need the fresh air and i need the exercise.  is that even a good reason anymore???  to kick my own ass pushing the stroller up that hill, to run after moses at Thrifty's and pick up all the shit he throw on the ground because if we keep him in the stroller he'll scream and cry, to have him scream and cry and try to run away when we're in the cashier line with all the other customers looking at us, chloe joining in on the action with her pterodactyl shrieks and still have 15-20 mins of a walk back to the shithole that is our house...  WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY LIFE?  HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?  HOW??!!!

i know i'm lucky.  i do.  i know i'm lucky but jesus christ.  i'm sorry that i feel miserable.  it's natural.  i am grateful.  i am so grateful for our health and for a wonderful husband and reasonably well-behaved children and the house over our head and the 12 cartons of almond milk.  it's hard.

Comments

  1. okay lady love you need to email me, I have the VERY SAME MENTAL ILLNESS, and gosh darn I already had it twice before, WHAT WAS I THINKING!

    ReplyDelete
  2. yup an email would be good huh!
    bboobcindy@yahoo.ca
    GOOD GRIEF -I guess I was deep in the bowels of spent mom brain.

    ReplyDelete

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