i'm feeling off today.  i'm not feeling sad and not really depressed... if i only had the other half of my brain i might be able to come up with the appropriate term for how i'm feeling.  i'm thankful that both kids are asleep right now...  it was a rough night with coco.  she woke up so many goddamn times probably 5-6 times.  k gets so frustrated and i know she can feel it in his body language so i kept having to take her, even when giving her a bottle!  i was so angry!  i already have to breastfeed her, if there is a bottle here why isn't HE doing it???  well it's 1 of 2 reasons: 1) his body language is upsetting her   2) she just wants her mom.  either way, i'm angry about it.

moses came in as usual and chloe was crying but i just couldn't get up and so she cried until she fell asleep. i probably fell asleep first.  i woke up at 9:15-9:30am.  that last extra hour of sleep helped a lot, as did her sleeping a couple more hours so that i could have time to take care of moses and gain a little sanity.  (moses is groaning and whining between wake and sleep right now boooooo....)

i think i'm just feeling run down?

i'm mad at myself because i knew this weekend was the back to back craft shows and i kept forgetting to email my prints out to be printed.  not wanting to head out to vancouver i got them printed locally in tsawwassen which cost me WAY WAY more and cuts my profit down.  that made me depressed and angry...  depressed and angry that my life is just in that much of a state of chaos that i could not remember to do this earlier and save myself both time and money, two things of which i have none to spare.  i'm also frustrated and depressed over what i have decided to contribute to the swag bags for GotCraft.  again, with no time and money to spare and only half a brain, i was only able to muster up these invitations:

printed on very light greyish-lavender paper, heavier than regular printing paper but not quite as stocky as i would prefer but it's what i had available.  i sized them to the pack of envelopes i had, envelopes which are also of lesser quality than i like.  so basically i feel embarassed to the point that i may consider not including my business card so that people won't know the creator of these sad freebies.  i mean, they said not to "give away product" and to come up with creative ideas but when i saw the photos of the swag, people had provided greeting cards, cute knitted animals, 1" buttons, samples of product.... if i came up with a cute button design, it would have still costed me $20 for the buttons PLUS gas, PLUS bringing the kids with me and expect them to not cry or for moses to not run around...

i'm just feeling really trapped?  down on myself for not doing better, but at the same time defending myself and telling myself that i'm amazing that i'm actually committing to these shows while i'm so exhausted.  i'm angry that my life doesn't allow me to do the things i love to the level i know they can be done.  i was so thrilled that lady purchased 3 of my prints and asked if i did larger scale work to which my aching heart yearned to be able to have the time to paint more awesome stuff.

i'm so tired.  

i was lucky to have had my friend saara run out to grab groceries for me this morning so that i could make some guacamole for dinner at my mom's tonight.  she is heading to los angeles to have mother's day with my sister for the weekend and is leaving tomorrrow.  saara was so sweet as to throw in an orgasmic tub of KREMA Cafe Latte yogurt (damn you 9% milk fat!!!!)  i was frustrated all morning deciding whether or not to get my things printed in van or tsawwassen.  and then frustrated as both kids were half crying in the stroller on the walk up to get the prints.  frustrated as coco half cried on the way back and i had to constantly grab moses out of rain puddles because it was almost time for his nap and i desperately wanted time to myself.

i feel like black and white.  and not in the classic kind of way.  just in the lacking colour and life kind of way.

i'm so afraid for this weekend.

i miss my old self.  i miss my confidence and vibrant personality.  i feel like grey mud shoved up a horses foot?  i hate that i have developed social anxiety prior to social events.  i hate that during our first art class last week, i didn't have the energy or comfort level to go up to the parents and welcome them and talk more.  i hate this feeling that i am 10 shades below my usual saturation.  i hate that i have no choice because i am doing all i can to hang on to my old self by forcing myself to get out and do things, but the reality is that i can't do them to their full potential.



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