i am so very very tired

my body is aching.
coco is at that stage just before crawling where she is too heavy too be carried but still needs and wants to be carried, she is in that "separation anxiety" stage.  it is a struggle.  i carry her when i put on momo's jacket and shoes before leaving the house which is a challenge.  and after that, i then have to pick up all our bags and other necessities for wherever we are headed.  my arms are aching as if i've worked out, but i'm not getting any of the benefits.  it's not really working out when it is random and for onyl a temporarily period of time, no reps.  it's really just strain.  so, to everyone who thinks i have strong arms from "working out", i really just have a greater capacity to hold her 20 lbs for temporary lengths of time.  no sculpted bi or triceps to show for any of it.

my back and shoulders are aching.  i haven't had a massage in ages and me and renee run different schedules we haven't found the time to make it happen.

we had a crazy morning.  we were up and semi-racing through our foggy eyes to get ready and out of the house to make it in line for kev's haircut.   we go to the Belmont on Main and Broadway but they don't take resos which means we have to get there early and hope that we are first in line for 10am.  it sucks when you have two kids in tow and live in tsawwassen but is perfect if you are a local and have just finished your delicious saturday morning coffee and muffin in P.E.A.C.E.  we get there to the locked gate and are nervously hoping it isn't another one of those times where they don't show up for half an hour.  the guy pulls up on his bike minutes after us and breaks the news that they have changed from their "old school" first-come-first-serve name-on-the-chalkboard system to modern day "appointments".  unfortunately, they failed to update that little detail on their site which we checked in the morning to double check hours.  we had to wait and hour so we headed over to the community centre (where we have art class) and let moses run and sweat himself out at the Kindergym.

there was another father getting his hair cut with his wife and son waiting at the barbershop.  it was a nice relief to see that we aren't the only ones that do this since i feel guilty and out of place whenever i'm there with the kids, ruining the "we are free men with time on our hands and money to spend on beer and cigarettes and music" environment.  maybe i'm just overly conscious?

why is it taking me so long to get over this?  why can't i move on?  do i even want to be the same person i used to be?  or do i just want those freedoms?  it's probably the freedoms.  to reward myself with drinks dancing and friends on friday nights;  to sleep in with kevin until an ungodly hour and need nothing but an orange juice and a piece of toast to survive until we've shopped downtown for a few hours and argue about which of our favourite places to share a delicious meal and uninterrupted conversation.  my idea of freedom now is spending time blogging on the computer if the kids both happen to nap and allow me the time.

i'm lucky in a lot of ways that i have kept so many of my friends after having had kids.  i was talking with the mom at the barbershop and lamenting over how some moms do lose friends because they don't understand the importance of children having a schedule.  i am lucky that my friends understand and know that if i had the choice, i would put my kids in a weightless balloon where they would nap and all i would have to do is hold the ribbon as i continued an enjoyable afternoon with whomever i was with.

i miss old friends... i miss old friends that have become ex-friends or whom have just moved away.  i drive past their old apartments or see their surnames on street signs and i get a lump in my throat remembering old days.  my life is just zooming by in a massive all-terrain truck and i'm being dragged behind with my hands and legs tied behind me.  dragged through the dirt.

nobody tells you how hard it is because there are no words.  it is why you can pass another mom, almost any mom on the street or mall and give them a nod and they will nod back in sympathy (since you wouldn't be able to hear what they were saying over the wails of children anyway...)

i want to drive to Bellingham and go to Trader Joe's for chickpeas but i can't.
i want to spend an afternoon shopping and taking as much time as i need to make a sound decision on one piece of clothing under $20... but i can't.
i want to drive to Langley to buy myself another bra (they don't sell my size in normal people land...) but i can't.
i want to go to Fabricana and pick out some fabric to make Moses another blanket since i have finally decided that i should give his mermaid blanket to coco haha.. but i can't.  or kevin told me "no" because i would take too long and god what would he do with both kids???

simple things become impossible.

and i am frustrated and happy because i just told me cousin-in-law-to-be that i could not keep up with all the little changes she needed for her wedding program with the other 5 projects i have going and with the little time i get.  frustrated that i don't have the time and patience to accommodate all her demands, but  happy because i am definitely less stressed out.

we had to race to Metrotown after the haircut for Father's Day dim sum with my dad's dad and family.  they were stoked to see the kids and i was relieved that nobody gave us shit for being so late.  moses was having a half meltdown in the car from being exhausted and hungry from Kindergym.  i was broken all over from having to carry coco in one arm, the heavy diaper bag with our camera in the other hand AND having an angry moses on his leash from the community centre to the barbershop since kevin took off before us.  i was SO thankful to have that leash in the diaper bag, otherwise i don't know how else i would have managed to get him across Broadway's busy intersections in one piece.

we had no idea where to park or where the restaurant was and we walked across half of Metrotown, coco in her carseat on kev's arm.  me with moses on his leash melting down.  me getting dirty looks from people as i disciplined him whenever he purposely dropped to the ground or just because i had him on a leash and god forbid i treat my son like a dog instead of chase him all over the effing mall.  we left the restaurant with 5 heavy bags of gifts which i carried, kevin carrying coco in the carseast and moses on his shoulders.  i don't even know how we are alive.

at least when people ask me why i decided to have kids i can say they were both unplanned and i'm not stupid enough to purposely put myself through this agony.


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