mo vs co

babies vs toddies

babies are ever loving and needy
toddlers run and squirm out from your hugs and kisses
(which is sad because it has become infrequent that i remember to be affectionate with mo)

babies are small and "portable" but they gain weight and your arms start to ache
and you find yourself wishing that they would walk until you remember...
toddlers run into traffic and everywhere except where you want them to be, you
end up yelling, bargaining, counting to 3 and sometimes eventually carrying them kicking and screaming

babies on the boob are convenient to feed and do not require all the prep and cooking and
cleaning of a toddler.
BUT once the food is on the table and they are old enough to feed themselves, they will sometimes
sit there and feed themselves while you clean or take a shit or feed the laundry....OH YEAH or feed the baby.
a baby on the bottle means your boobs have a chance to go back to something that resembles something fun to play with but it means horsing around with milk temperatures and always making sure that you haven't run out of formula.  it also means your baby won't bite you with their tiny razor teeth.
if your todd feels like driving you crazy, they will not eat their food, they might chuck it around
or as it happened this morning, bring their bowl of cereal into your bedroom and spill it all over the floor.
after vaccuuming up the flakes of my prized organic and $$$ cereal, i completely forgot about the incident and kept wondering why there was a wet spot and half-caring about the possibility of it being piss...

babies babble and coo and razz and it's so sweet.
coco razzed all morning to the point where it became irritating.  especially when i was half dead in bed and had her on my lap and her razz was spraying all over my face.
they also cry and wail inconsolably when they are upset.
todds amaze you with their ever increasing ability to communicate BUT at 8am when you are lying in bed tired as F$@# from the baby having fed 3 times throughout the night and wide awake crying nonstop since 6:30am, the last thing you need from your todd is:
"no banana, be quiet, stop asking me.  i'll get you one when i get up"
whispered: Ba-nana, Ba-nana, Ba-nana
Mommy UP!  Mommy UP!
Mommy gwasses, mommy gwasses, mommy gwasses
Momo BIG poo  Momo BIG poo (climbs on bed and you can smell how big it is)
and yet, this pretty much is my life everymorning.

which is why i had a fantastic meltdown this morning and all i can do is thank god that my mom offered to come over even though we are going there for dinner tonight for Ada's graduation bbq.  Cait next door may have heard me crying and screaming into my duvet?  All the while, Coco cried on Moses' floor and Moses took his skateboard into his room and then went and peed all over the floor.  then the phone rang and it was the lady I had called the other day who rents out the commercial spaces.  she asked me what kind of shop i was planning on opening and when the word "artsy gift shop" stumbled out of my mouth, she proceeded to tell me how it wouldn't work and that I should come up with another idea since we already have Sublime (kev's sisters' art supply store) and Centre Stage (the most godawful tacky gift shop you can think of) and OMG we wouldn't want more competition for them or for ME on that matter.  i then went into an even crazier rage of crying and screaming.  admittedly, it felt really good to act like Chloe/Moses...

toddlers also move on from the crying of babyness to WHINING.  the bratty shameless whines that are bellowed from the depths of their protruding tummies when they are tired, when they are trying to convince you to give them something, and escalating their whining once you tell them they can not have whatever it was they were wanting.

i can never seem to decide which is better or worse.  and it doesn't matter, because it's not like i can choose to have one or the other because i just happen to be blessed with both.  everyday is a gamble.  everyday my chest tightens in anticipation of having the worst from both.  somebody will always come second, somebody will always have to wait, but i will always be the one suffering from either a kicking and screaming 6 month old who doesn't want me to put her down while cleaning up the shit and piss from the 2 year old who was just too preoccupied playing with trucks to go to the effing potty.

and when i get the chance to sit and digest, it is hard to not feel depressed that this is what has become of me, this is what i do for a living and get paid a few hundred dollars a month from the government to do 24/7.  i haven't slept in 6 months.  people without kids don't understand that.  to not sleep one single night for 6 months is something that isn't imaginable.  i mean i still can't believe that i haven't slept for 6 months, it just doesn't seem right.  i don't get weekends off.  there is no "everybody's working for the weekend!" excitement in my step as the week goes by.  i don't get holidays.  i don't get sick days or mental health days.  just a few pathetic hours here and there, like a beggar being thrown a total of $2 over the course of an entire day.

and yet.  life is good because it could be worse.  and as much as i hate it and as much as i miss myself and torture myself with old photos and scroll through my facebook profile photos to remind me of how the eff i got here, i know that i am blessed.  


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