thought vomit from a < stellar mom

i don't know where to begin.
ok, let's start with 
first of all, i am thankful that the kids are sleeping so that i do have this downtime to reflect and hear my own thoughts.


i think prior to having my hardrive sent away for recovery, my cousin had perhaps mentioned that he was able to extract a bunch of early photos.  maybe he forgot that he did this since it was a while ago.  i only remembered last night as i lay in bed after my last post...  i just emailed him and i am hoping so bad that he was able to get photos.



i want to do this

Art class was...  "        ".   i blame myself.  these mobiles were not meant for this age group, hell they are not even meant for some adults.  painting twigs is easy, but assembling them with string in such a way to create a balanced mobile is another situation entirely.  i offered my services.  or at least i tried.  i say i tried because moses was being a total ... "nutter" for a lack of a better term, and the only record i brought with my exhausted shell of a mom today was my broken record of Reprimand Your Toddler.  i feel like a failure today.  i feel like the Paperbag Mom except someone filled me with shit, lit me up and threw me on their worst enemy's doorstep to be stomped on in a frenzy of panic and rage.  yeah, that's actually a pretty acurate description of how i feel right now...

i felt like a bad art class leader.  i felt like a bad mom.  i didn't feed coco before we left at 8:45am (she last ate probably somewhere in the hazy hours of 6-7am) and didn't feed her until about 12:30pm after eating egg sandwiches outside the community centre with moses, driving to IKEA to do an exchange, and driving to the park by kevin's work.  i feel like such a bad mom whenever we go to these classes because i'm constantly torn between being a teacher, being moses' mom and being coco's mom.  i feel like a multi-tasking seizure.  i feel embarassed in front of all the other mom's because i'm seemingly the only one constantly barking like an effing dog for moses to "stop throwing that on that floor!  stop pushing!  stop putting your hands in hanu's mouth!  don't bite hanna, we don't bite people, teeth are for EATING!  stop banging your cars on the table!  THAT FOOD IS FOR AFTER, STOP TOUCHING! etc etc"

i feel like a dick when i leave coco with klf so i can be hands on and help moses do projects.  i feel like a dick when i leave moses with klf to run after him while i tote coco around.  i feel like i am constantly doing a shitty job of everything no matter what i choose to do.  and i felt even worse today for making the mom's put together these stupid mobiles.  


what can i do better?!!!  somebody please tell me because i'm in a bubble.  i feel like people are raising their eyebrows at me behind my back.  i feel ashamed to be a mom because my son is the crazy one in the class and i do a bad job controlling him trying to direct the class or help others.  i feel crappy that klf is babysitting and that i can't offer much more than a ride back to her house afterwards.    

at the onset and realization that moses and friends were all going through the Terrible Twos, i attributed much of his behavior to his age, but i'm feeling more and more that maybe it's not and that maybe it is my fault.  i thought maybe, it was because he was a boy but i see other boys that are less intense and more obedient.  is it a personality thing?  is it me?  is it the twos?  is it the environment?  is it the dynamic between these kids vs his closer friends?  is it because i am not on him like a hawk and he feels like there is no control?  he isn't always like this...


i love the yellow lamp

on a brighter note.  taryn's suncatchers idea was perfection in every sense of the word.  it was so easy and it made a great product.  taryn is much more into the process which i constantly remind myself should be the purpose, but i am such a product person.  she cut up 8x8 squares of contact paper which were taped to the tables sticky side up.  the kids took colourful pieces of tissue paper and feathers and sparkles and decorated to their heart's content.  once completed, another piece of contact paper was laid sticky side down so that the pretty insides were sandwiched.  so incredibly simple... and a great product :P  just like the splatter paint.

2. Small sectional (8x5), round cocktail table (3x3), slipper chair (2'8")

this is exactly what i need and perhaps maybe you need it too!


i don't know how to describe today.  i'm so used to the monotony of motherhood that incidents that would normally be taken as "bad" are just run of the mill.  i never know when to call a day "bad" or "good".  i live a perpetual life of "ok"

Good
-beatiful weather
-no traffic
-klf made it once again to help
-mobiles and suncatchers turned out well
-managed to make breakfast so that we didn't have to buy lunch
-got to exchange Moses' playfood at IKEA
-leaving early allowed us to hit up the park by K's work so that K could come play, and my friend Stef and her daughter were at the park!
-kids went down easy... Moses took a while but was good. and coco was wide awake when i put her down and she fell asleep without a single cry.
-my body is slimming down and i am fitting into more and more clothes

Bad
-slept horribly.  passing out in the most contorted positions between Moses and Chloe for the last 3 hours of sleep.
-feeling like POC mom
-had no receipt and only got 50% refund for the food and had to pay extra


well at least my good list is significantly longer :)

what the heck happened with the justification here i can't fix it.





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