be little

no, we can't give you a ride because we are going out after dinner.

i don't like the way i feel right now.

my sister and husband arrived today for saturday's wedding.  i was amped up all day until about the last hour or two before meeting with them, my mom and brother, and the crowes for dinner in steveston.  chloe was screaming a lot and i was tired and hungry and nursing a headache.

i'm not going to draw this one out since it is almost 11:30pm but in short their presence exacerbates my current mental condition, emphasizing the difference in lifestyles.

i don't even want to talk about it because of how isolated i already feel from the world, nevermind from family.  i don't know if i still want to join my sister, husband and 3 friends for dinner even if it is downtown on a friday night at my favourite restaurant SANS kids.  where is the enjoyment in driving out by myself to watch other people soak up their delicious and temptingly named drinks before heading out for a night on the town when i will have one drink only to return home (most likely before nightfall) to my family, feeling even more isolated and amiss and angry and bitter.  i would sit and listen awkwardly to conversations that had nothing to do with me.  all i could talk about would be the boring intricacies of sleep schedules and how my house smells like pee.  i know what the old me would be like...  she would be funny and full of life and not care how inappropriate raunchy her comments were and she would have 2-3 drinks and walk out not missing a step in a pair of sweet heels and sporting a waist and chest 4 inches smaller.  she would not talk about how she couldn't drink bc she had to be back home bc she loves her husband enough to not leave him to fend for himself with two kids.

i know i was invited so i could get a break, but it feels like i'm just going to hate myself.


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