Chinese Water Torture

Chinese water torture is the popular name for a method of water torture in which water is slowly dripped onto a person's forehead, allegedly driving the restrained victim insane. This form of torture was first described under a different name by Hippolytus de Marsiliis inItaly in the 15th century.

This is probably the closest thing I can compare my life to sometimes.  Today was certainly one of those days.

The stupid shit I am forced to reckon with day by day is just a little tiny drop of water hitting my forehead.  But drip by drip, minute by minute, day by day, week to week and month to month, these drips accumulate and drive me to the point of cray cray. 

 Drip.  Drip.  Drip. Drip. Drip....

I feel stupid when recounting the events of the day because they seem so menial and listening to myself I also have to ask:

Was it really that bad?  
Is it just you carrying a negative perception?  
Do you just need to work on your patience?"  
Yes, No, and Helllll-the-fuck-NO!.  

When i'm lying in bed with my head in a pillow or blankets to deafen the sounds of coco crying in her jolly jumper outside, when i'm shaking and feel like someone is using a paring knife on the inside of my stomach, when i throw moses' toys across the room like i'm trying to win the Olympic medal for shotput, it must be some form of torture causing such behavior.  It's not one day that throws me into these despairing moods... It's the one loooooooong day that have been the past 6 months.  One 6 month long seamless day, from winter to spring and now summer.  

It's not that I don't try to be positive.  It's not that I don't meditate daily on the blessings i have and feel grateful that I am not any worse or juggling problems more emotionally sour as others. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.  It's not that I think that this will actually be forever, quite the contrary!  Although it feels like the Neverending Story Part 586,390, I do remind myself every damn day that coco is going to be 11 and stealing my lipstick so that 13 year old boys will think she's easy and try to feel her up.  I know that she is precious right now even though I can't even LIE DOWN beside the jolly jumper to try to relax and think for 2 minutes.  I HAVE TO SIT UP FOR HER TO SHUT UP.  
It's not that I don't know my life is good.  It's just that, no matter how much worse someone else might be having it right now, it doesn't mean that make my life any less stressful and emotionally draining, IT IS STRESSFUL and IT IS DRAINING  and to be quite honest, i am sick of how often i DO have to meditate on the good to try to balance out the madness.

madness?  is it really madness, stephanie?  come on, it can't be that bad!

maybe it's not madness.  but if only i had the energy to videotape how many times a day i have to put coco down and listen to her aggravating crying while i make breakfast, while i get changed, while i take a piss, while i wash the table/chair/floor from moses cereal eating, while turn around and take TWO STEPS to answer my phone, while i go to wipe moses ass and rinse the sticky mucky shit from his potty, OR as it happened today: smelling orange creamsicle on moses breath and running to check the bottle of KIDS ORANGE-CREAMSICLE-FLAVOURED-FISH OIL-GELCAPS to find it E.M.P.T.Y!   I grabbed the bottle and was shaking as I tried to read every microscopic word on the bottle for a list of ingredients and a website or contact number.  The internet of course gave me side effects such as internal bleeding and other such terrifying things, so I called my doctor (left a message on the machine), called the pharmacy who told me to call POISON CONTROL (which made me want to faint since I've never had to call them before), who THANKFULLY told me 

IT'S FINE IT'S FINE!  He may have an upset stomach and possible diarrhea....  PHEW.

This of course happened shortly after they both woke from their nap, following a grueling two hours of me trying to finish a buttload of projects while they slept, including failing miserably numerous times to compress a massive file for the skateshop buttons to be emailed for printing.  Yes, so I was already in a fantastic state of panic and frustration and plots to murder my computer.  

To top it off, this was the second day in a row that my dinner plans fell through and people failed to notify me until about 5pm, you know, DINNER TIME.  Yes, I understand that people don't know what kind of day I'm having or that  their visit is the only thing keeping me reasonably sane, but if you know ahead of time that you can not make it, please let me know when YOU know.  I should not have to be the one to be calling to find this out.  It just so happened that Kev was going to make dinner and went grocery shopping after work, so he was late coming home.  What are we going to do with this food?  Yes eat it... but it was supposed to be special!  I don't like being special alone.  

SIGH.  I am currently thankful that upon arrival, he took crying coco from the jumper and strapped her on while making dinner.  He also was so kind as to just give a quick knock on the closed door before sliding my late birthday card from my sister under the door.  

I need to call my mom.  She needs to babysit these bitches tomorrow.

So there it is, another river cried to you by Stephanie Chan.  wee wee wee all the way home.


  1. omg, MC told me about the vitamin overdose! I'm glad nothing horrible happened. That Moses! btw, I want to kiss you in the most non-les way possible. Ok, maybe 24% les way. sshh.

  2. LOL

    yes! and it's taken a couple of loads of laundry to take the smell out of stuff! his PEE smelled like fish oil! my bed still smells like it bc i think he was eating them on my bed and i think the smell penetrated through the duvet cover and into the DUVET :((((((((((((( grossssss


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