impatient patient

my chest is tight.
i'm listening to weezer's blue album which is helping to undo the corset of frustration that is constricting my breathing and ability to focus on my work here.

kevin got some sort of flu and came home at around 4pm on monday.  he stayed in bed from 5pm until 2pm the next day at which point he moved to the couch to sleep more.  it was a rough couple of days having to do night time routine on my own as well as wake up not just to feed coco her usual couple of times, but to also go stay with moses during his usual middle of the night waking.  moses didn't fall asleep until 4pm and coco also did not sleep all afternoon with her newfound ability to stand up in her crib.  she finally took a late power nap after moses fell asleep.

i was feeling pretty wrecked by the time they both woke up and was faced with the indecision of what the heck to make for dinner with the random lack of food available.  kevin was too tired to cook and equally too tired to take care of chloe so that she would STFU while i was trying to figure out what to make.  so i threw clothes on them and took off to have sushi in ladner.

it took quite a while for us to be seated and have our order taken.  moses had asked for "noolohs" half a billion times by the time our food came.  i felt like a psycho lady sitting there trying to calm him down while breastfeeding chloe so both of them wouldn't be effing me in the ears with their annoying voices whining/crying/shrieking.  i made some good choices which allowed chloe to eat as well, some tofu and avocado kept her busy as i shoveled an 8 piece roll down my throat.

kevin was able to half help me with the kids last night and once they were down i was able to get more work done.  he stayed home again today, still weak and lightheaded but able to do some clean up and errands while i took the kids to visit my cousin Lauren in vancouver.  THANK YOU LAUREN FOR A LOVELY AFTERNOON and for treating us once again for lunch and icecream  :)  WE LOVE YOU.

we got home and chloe didn't sleep so kev took her to get groceries.  it's 4:31pm and i don't think moses has fallen asleep yet after sleeping in the car for the last 15 minutes of the drive home.  i don't know why it drives me to the point of violent insanity when he doesn't sleep and just plays around or whines in bed for two hours.  i know i should be happy that he's not bothering me but it infuriates me until i am seeing red!  i can't figure it out.  it makes me want to throw things at him or throw him at the walls and i don't know why.  i'm so exhausted from these past few days, i just don't know how these single moms with multiple kids manage to stay alive or not kill themselves or give their children up for adoption.  i can't stand the sight of them somedays and hearing their voices makes me want to take an axe to my face.

i don't know what to do.  i know it's because i rarely get a break.  so many of my mom friends have part time jobs where they get to get away and leave their responsibilities for 4 hours with friends and co-workers, with ADULTS for ADULT conversation instead of dishing out the same reprimanding phrases or counting to 3 before laying on spanks.  which reminds me, i now understand why my mom used to pinch us or twist our ears.  i understand why she did it so hard.  because there comes a point when spanking doesn't hurt unless it's barebutt and you can't do that in public, not to mention the effort of doing this when you have a 7 month strapped to your chest.  the intensity of the pinch and twist was as i now understand to inflict a small fraction of the pain in return for the immense anxiety that the child causes the parent.  and for those times my mom gave me an extra twist or dug her nail in just a little more, i now understand that i was probably being such a POS when she was probably already having a miserable day.

my sister told me she thought i should be more patient and i am trying to stay chill about it because it's not her fault that she has no idea what it's like and so to make myself feel better i just imagine how retarded crazy she would be in my situation and how she too would have no choice but to surrender to the same shame and indignity that comes along with being a parent in front of all her nonparent friends who are giving her advice from the depths of their partying drinking shopping lives.

somebody needs to invent patience pills.  they would be kafuckingbillionaires.

also to add: i think i do have to get a part time job because kevin told me a few days ago that we are bleeding money.

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