no dice

kev was great and took coco for the morning while i ventured out back to west van to check one last time - no distractions - for my phone.  if you were at ambleside beach you would have seen a small asian girl holding a cell phone (kev's) in one hand and raking the sand in the other.  no luck.  i went back to the mall and looked around the parking lot and left my information with the lost and found just in case...  my phone hasn't run out of batteries yet, it is still ringing 4 times before going to my voicemail.  it breaks my heart knowing those photos and videos are lost somewhere and if i could only find them.  everytime i call my phone i imagine it ringing, crying like a freaking baby for me to come get it.  i'm so angry at myself.  i've been meaning to get a new usb so i could transfer all those photos/videos to the computer... i'm really sad.

i left at 945am and returned just after 1pm.  the house was empty, but i could see (and smell) all the work kevin had done around the house while i was gone.  coco had slept for almost 2 hours so he had it pretty easy...  sigh.  she didn't really sleep all afternoon, maybe 20 minutes.  michelle and ethan dropped by for a spontaneous visit which was nice.  i cleaned up and watched TMZ and rewatched my favourite dances on this week's SYTYCD until kev came home.  we had a nice dinner and walk.

i don't at all remember it being this easy with moses at this age which doesn't surprise me.  obviously, your first one is difficult because it's the first EVERYTHING and it's a total 180 from pre-baby life, but jesus christ is it so much more mellow and flexible just having to take care of coco and have TWO people around to do it.  i do remember the struggle of this separation-anxiety with moses, it definitely is frustrating and physically hard on the arms that cave into the helpless and desperate cries to be held, but my god is it ever a fresh of breath air to not have to hear moses whining and asking for everything under the sun during dinner prep time.  no potty training.  no cajoling/bribing/threatening during change times.  no making food and cleaning up food or having to stare at the uncleaned up food while being busy doing other things more important.  just calm.  so much more chill with just one.  and i'm not here saying moses is worse because i know it would be equally enjoyable to have moses and not chloe.  they both have their vices and their joys.

chloe is such a little doll.  i am in love with her little peanut face.  i'm in love with her immense mouth and infectious smile.  i love how she has begun to like kevin a lot more now that she is coming out of her babyness and entering toddlerhood.  it melts my heart to see how much she smiles and laughs at him.  she is such a ragamuffin darling.

i love living in tsawwassen.  i love living in Beach Grove territory, it's such a lovely neighborhood.  all the houses - well majority anyway - are small cozy cottages or ranchers.  just small family sized little gems, all so very well kept.  it's a love/hate relationship when we walk through the area, pointing out all the houses we'd take or what we would change if we could afford to buy and reno.  the dream is alive in my heart, i feel like as long as it stays alive there is hope, but i want it while the kids are young, not when they are in their teens or when they are ready to leave.  sigh.  this roof situation truly sucks.  the bleeding money situation sucks sucks sucks...  i know we have been lucky to have kevin be able to support us, but i think i am going to need to get a part time job on top of my freelance work.  we need more stable income.  it will be good if i am able to find something during the hours that kev is available, evenings and weekends obvs... i'll be able to have time away and now that coco is getting older, kev should be able to have an easier time looking after both kids.

i really love living in tsawwassen.  i love how clean it is, i love how we have the beach, i love that there isn't a large mall where i know i would wander and be tempted to buy things all the time.  i love all the friends we have made.  i love being close to some family.  i don't want to leave.  i hope our mortgage rate doesn't go up, i'm afraid we would have to sell and move further away.

everything will work out.  it always does.  i'm trying to follow in my mom's footsteps and be a better person...  there's been a lot of family drama and i've had a few good talks with her that made me feel like a disappointment.  being a mom is so hard...  no matter how much you try, no matter how much you break your balls trying to raise your children, sometimes your best still does not feel good enough.  my mom blames herself for our flaws rather than seeing how well we have turned out and realizing that she HAS done a wonderful job, but ultimately it is our job to show it.  i need to step up my game.  every bad day i have, i know my mom had, and i need to show my appreciation by being the kind of person she hoped i would be.

heavy clouds.


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