anxiety attacks

money is being very stressful.
i moved banks... from bmo to coast capital.  free free free.
it's been almost a month of kev fixing this car, and it just seems to be having the same luck as when he was doing my mom's kitchen. everyday it's "i only have to do this and that's it!" but inevitably there is a domino effect whenever one thing gets fixed, something else needs attention.  it is also similar to my mom's kitchen in that i have to keep looking after the kids extra hours and when we do take the kids to my inlaws, i feel super guilty intruding on their space and time.

i am having a lot of anxiety.  so much anxiety.  it's frustrating because i never used to have anxiety like this before the kids were born.  now every little thing makes me run for a brown paper bag.

i applied to Thrifty's.  haven't heard back.  hate myself for not having prepared a Thank You letter while doing the resume/cover letter because i of course kept forgetting to make one and it's now been over a week.  my stomach feels like it's a glass of red wine that has been left out for days.

my cousin sent me this site called crowdSPRING which has been a blessing and curse.  businesses send their projects to this site and they are categorized according to illustrations/logos/web design/ even writing!  you click on the categories you are interested in and as the project are sent in, the site emails them to you, filling your inbox with about 20 projects per day!  there is a gallery for each project so that all entries are visible.  i filter through the projects, trying to find ones that are around my level.  i get excited.  i get creative blocks.  i see the prices and think "golly gee $250 would be so fantastic!"  and then i get a low blow of anxiety to the stomach.  when am i going to have time to dedicate to this project?  i only have 5-7 days to complete this?  what if i spend all this time that i don't have on this project and i don't get it???  and the aching of being beat out or just downright rejected after spending time that i don't have is quite the punishment.

i love it.  it's a great site and great opportunity but so overwhelming.  the initial emails and layout make it look so simple and doable, but once i finally find time to get to it my head just starts spinning and my heart races knowing i only have a certain amount of time to do as much work as possible and to do work that is GOOD and not just brainstormesque and sketchy.  i need to have something concrete as soon as possible.  it needs to be better than the other participants.  and the one i have right now i've got a 4 out of 5 and two lousy competitors which is giving me a lot of hope but i need to start again.  they love the style but i have failed to illustrate the exact point.  and you can't message these businesses personally, all your questions and comments are public.

i'm feeling super overwhelmed.  my heart is in a corsette as we speak.

the house of course is a mess.

i made $23 at yesterday's Tsawwassen movie night.  half as much as the other week but still good.  i have to show you photos of the FEATHER ones i've done that look so bomb!

the house is a mess and i never know where to begin with it.  toys everywhere.  laundry everywhere.  random shit left on the counters and every vacant surface around.

this anxiety makes me feel like i can't and maybe should not be doing these projects but of course there is the other part of me that is fighting to do it.  the one i am trying to get right now is $400 and goddam i could really use that $400 for this damn roof.  i also feel the need to persevere because even if i do not land these projects, it at least gets me in the practice of developing ideas quickly and providing new methods of working.

i sold my Hip&Hop print according to kev's sister and people really like them and would like more.  I WOULD LOVE TO SIT AND PAINT MORE WHIMSICAL CHILDREN'S SHIT but obviously time is an issue and having my paint supplies out is just asking for trouble from these two little curious monsters.

anyway.  i need to work on this project now.


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