anxiety buffet

saturday was busy...  garage sale 9-noon made $15.  felt strangely sad when people bought up the kid's toys.  it was super nice to have the morning to myself, peaceful and in the presence of adults.  the morning was breezy and sunny.  we had it at cait's mom's house and she had tea/coffee and DELISH blueberry muffins for us.

i want a house in beach grove so badly.  this thought occupies the majority of my thoughts every day.  one day we will have tghe money.

oh.  i dropped my resume cover letter application to Thrifty's.  please god set me up with a position i don't want to work anywhere else.  ok that's a lie, if cait can land me a place at the golf course i would totes do that as well.

i did buttons for an hour on saturday and left early to take on a job from kev's sisters to do face painting at a lady's home.  it was for a work party, but most of the coworkers had kids.  there were 9 kids.  i did a sweet ass job considering i have never done facepainting, i was pretty proud of myself.  the kids were super well behaved which helped.  also i am a mom and that helped.  i also brought my button machine and everyone made their own and it was fun.  i made $30 and the materials were all paid for.

it was really great to wake up to an alarm for the first time in ages FOR MYSELF.  it was SO EASY to jump outta bed and ready myself.  so entirely different being woken up by babies/toddlers demanding you to feed them, carry them (bc they are tired of lying in bed), change their enormous overnight piss-filled diaps. put on their fave tv shows or argue with them over NO TV today.  it was a tiring day but defiintely lacking in the emotionally tired way.  

also.  moses slept at my mom's thurs and fri night.  he came back to us in the form of a piece of shit, crying and kicking and screaming on the floor at home and again when we arrived at Rawlins for O'Brien Saturday Night Din.  i don't know what it is that set him off.  i know my mom gives him naps although that is a moot point since he doesn't always take them at home and doesn't act that effed up.  i know she spoils him but not THAT badly.  very frustrating.  i need the break but i am not sure if i want him returning home acting like this whenever he does take a vacay to Lola's house....

i have a cheque for $50 to pick up tomorrow at Kiddo.  i'll be dropping off more stuff there as well as at Front for the Fall/Winter season.    so i made just over a $100 which will be going straight to roofery.  kevin also finished working on the car this afternoon so that will pay off a huge chunk.  so thankful my in-laws lent us the money and that we didn't have to take out a loan or line of credit.

SO THANKFUL
i have been wanting to thank everyone for helping me and the family out.  every little bit helps and i wish there were ways other than monetary to show my appreciation.  from treating us for meals, cooking us meals, helping babysit, spoiling the kids with clothes, keeping me company and keeping me sane, for listening to my rants and venting, for driving out to the sticks so i don't have to drag the beasties in the car, for the pity gc's for me to go shopping for myself but inevitably end up being used on the kids, for the kind private emails i receive in response to be darker posts...  we are so very very grateful for it all and i hope to be able to return the favour in your times of need.

i know $10 is nothing... but it makes me feel good donating each month to Children's.  it's so true, you don't know how important Children's is until your need it.  we didn't even "need" it when moses got sick 5 days after he was born...  but the staff there is just phenomenal.  it is heartbreaking to see children's rooms crammed with stuffies and balloons with wires strapped to their bodies, many of them long residences.  i can NOT imagine what those parents are going through.  i would totally die.  and then having to have the added stress of one or no income because you need to spend everyday with your child.  please call them up and give if you can!  every little bit helps!

ugh.
it was my dad's anniversary on friday the 12th.  
i never remember.  
i don't like to remember.
it's been 8 years.
i like to imagine it unnecessary to remember because he is always with me.  he is part of me and he is in my children.  they wouldn't be here if it weren't for him.  their eyes.  their goofy personality...  it's there.
it kills me that they don't get to see him and know him.  my mom wouldn't have to work, her arthritis wouldn't be so bad, she could spend as much time as she wanted with the kids....  my dad would go nuts with them and over them.  he was always so ridiculously goofy, making up the most eccentric nonsense songs and shamelessly contorting his face into the silliest expressions along with strange poses.  it is a massive loss to us all that he is not physically still here with us...

i bought this book today, it is awesome:








i also want to buy this book: Pete's a Pizza (get it?  pizza pizza!)


this book is so cute and hilarious!
Pete's has a bad day so to cheer him up, his father pretends to make a pizza out of Pete.  He rolls him like dough and throws him up in the air and covers him with toppings.  


His dad tickles Pete and says "pizza's don't laugh!" and Pete retorts "you're not supposed to tickle the pizza!" and in the end Pete feels better and runs out to play

i also went to H&M
thank you Katherine for buying coco clothes


i love H&M for their Organic cotton basics.  their onesies come in a rainbow of colours for ages 0-24 months and they are only $5.95!  i think the sweatpants are only $6.95...  the polkadot shirt was only $6.95 and i splurged on the leopard cardigan at $12.95.  

it's not that i don't like anything they have for adults.  it's just that my boobs look horrendous in so many of the things i want to buy.  they have so many mustard yellow tops that i really want but what's the point in buying it if i am just going to throw it on the ground everytime i try it on at home?



having children make you hyper aware of your mortality.
i don't want to grow old.  i don't want to have health problems.  i don't want to go deaf or blind or fall and break my hip or clavicle .  i don't want to watch all my friends die.  as challenging as it is having children this young and this close together, i don't want them to get older.  i am terrified.  i am terrified of them going to school and making friends and struggling with certain subjects.  i am terrified of having to deal with self-esteem and bullying and society and peer pressures.  i am terrified of moses becoming a goon and chloe being jeered at by older butthole guys.

i am terrified of letting myself go.

it has been hard becoming a mom.  your identity undergoes a 360.  i used to be the queen of vulgarity and it was hilarious to me.  now anytime anything sexual comes up i say "gross" and feel weird.  i don't feel comfortable being intimate.  i used to be the one hounding kevin 99% of the week and now on the odd occasion where we need a reminder, i feel so uncomfortable and squirmy.  and it isn't like i don't get into it, but it feels like i am in someone else's body that is engaging and i just happen to have the nerves that receive the feelings.  then i turn over and go right to sleep, feeling both revitalized and totally weirded out and like a bad inappropriate mother.

i hate washing the dishes
i will gladly do the laundry

i am reading Bossypants by Tina Fey

i think that's all that i wanted to say tonight.
my sister has a new job. 
she is going to mexico for a week.
where is my mexico?

really want to go to Goldfish for that watermelon mojito.
oh and FYI, the allergies are definitely slowly coming back.
bananas - itchy
watermelon - nauseous
apples - itchy

i had a very real dream last week that i found out i was pregnant again
which was followed by a very real dream memory of what it physically felt like
to be in labour and despite wanting to do a chloe labour again, in my dream
i was able to "feel" it in a very real way that can not be replicated in real life.

i am not going to have babies just so i can eat fruits and veggies




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