a void

i'm feeling a lot of emptiness lately.  not consistently like =======================
more like .......... ===== ......... === ................... ==== ........ = ...... === ......

i'm still working through the emotions of all this change; so drastic and so seamless at the same time.  i know i keep going back to the "olden days" and glorifying them from the other side of the fence.

i don't know what to do with myself.

i know that if i were back on that side of the fence, i would be unhappy.  maybe i'm just greedy and i just want it all.

i love what i have and i am grateful but it is hard.  too much stress on the body.  too much patience is demanded as a mother.  it's too demanding emotionally.  the patience.  it makes my stomach ache.  the love, the upbringing, the constant state of reprimanding.  i hate myself sometimes.  i can't stand myself.

i don't know.  on a very low level, i feel like if i am unhappy now and if i would be unhappy in my old days, then my life is just empty and what am i doing here.  what is my life. what am i doing that makes anything worth while.  it just feels like nothing matters and we are just making things up in life to make it matter.  i don't know what happens when we die.  i have a bad suspicion that nothing happens.  life moves on and i no longer exist.


Comments

  1. All that end stuff - I have those exact thoughts on many many days. The thing that gets me through is photos and one day(hopefully) leaving children to remember me and trying to just be okay with everything going on without me.

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