early morning sunday

once in a while, i will watch moses play from across the room.  i will often watch enviously as he lines up his cars & trucks before yelling "so much traffic!" or as he ever so carefully inserts a block into a dumptruck or bulldozer and transfers it to another vehicle.  he has no concept of "the future".  not a worry in the world other than if that block makes it from one truck to the other.  no concern over when he will even eat or drink because all he needs to do is say "please...." and it will be granted.  WHAT IS THAT LIKE?

wake up.  be grumpy.  be cheered up by loving arms or remain grumpy, whatever mood he is in that day;  play with toys or watch Sesame Street, eat breakfast, play some more; go out for walks to the park or to the grocery store where they give kids free smiley face cookies; eat lunch and have a nap from all that hard work; wake up and play until dinner time and possibly out for a mini excursion before bedtime; shower, pj's, "dentist", stories and "sleep".  

meanwhile...
make food, clean up the kids, table, floor and dishes.  get kids changed and get them out of the house.  spend the entire walk telling moses to walk faster or stand on the wheel.  try to make it home in time for MAKE FOOD CLEAN UP KIDS TABLE FLOOR DISHES.  pj's and naptime.  rest for a little bit before doing larger house clean and probably taking bag of diapers to the garbage... yaddi yaddi ya.

it's mundane.  it's the same story everyday.  but i guess it was the same story every day back when i was working for the man.  everyday is the same.  it gets to me.  i feel like something or somebody is in my head.  i get depressed over the way things are but then it occurs to me that i used to get depressed back then too and perhaps it isn't as much the situation as it is how i am dealing with the situation.  i look to the way things are and i wonder how can i better deal?  how can i love what i am doing?  how do i get out of feeling like i am a complete slave to my children?  what can i do to make myself feel like i still matter to MYSELF?  how do i give anything to myself when i already feel like all i am doing is giving giving giving to them?

well.  i have not stopped the flow of creativity.  it seems to be the one shred of me that i have held onto.  it allows me to have "ME" time.  i have actually done more work in the last 2 years than prior to having kids, of which i am very proud.  sadly, i have been confronted with some uncomfortable questions today.  i don't know where i am going with any of the things i am doing.  i am second guessing myself.  i am feeling afraid.  i am feeling like i perhaps have too many avenues of interest and that i need to focus.  i feel like although my work may be enjoyed by many, it is still a dog's breakfast.

i also feel like i am not good enough.  i feel like i talk a lot.  i see things and i think "i could do that" or "i could do that better" but then i look back at some of the things i have done and remember thinking that it was great at the time, but fast forward to the present, i am embarrassed.  i don't know.  i also feel like i am better at seeing something and being able to tweak and improve it, but less capable of starting something from scratch.  it just becomes the dog's breakfast!

sigh.

i have been feeling empty today.  empty and alone.  we had a complimentary photoshoot today with an old classmate from Emily Carr.  he is building his photography portfolio and needed a family shoot.  i had a stack of innerturmoil since 6am and unloaded my ugly batch of stomache acid onto kevin 45 minutes before our shoot.  i hate falling into these... philosophical dumps?.... where i question my existence and the meaning of life.  it is so lame and so teen angst but it just keeps invading me.  i don't know who to talk to.

i feel like i am doing everything even though i know kevin helps out.  i know it isn't his fault that his brain isn't wired to do my job as the primary caretaker.  i know that if it were, he would be on it like moses on a new tow truck.  it is frustrating nevertheless to feel like getting them ready to go out is no different than when he is not here.  i am also stressed out over being the planner.  planning is not one of his strengths - to put it nicely - and whenever i have decided to leave the day open to suggestions, it ends up being a stressful day of not doing ANYTHING.  i hate it.  i hate it because come sunday, i start having anxiety about the week ahead and whether or not my calendar is full of playdates or errands to make my days go faster.  i have enough planning to do and i just wish that every now and then, i could be the one to go with the flow.

i feel like i am constantly being left with them.  kev had to pick up that %^$$#^&*%^$ Mustang this morning because the owner wants more work done.  and of course we can't say NO in our situation.  this of course means that i will be left with the kids more and again.  i wish we weren't hurting this much.  i am doing birthday parties at the art store but as much as i appreciate the money, it just is not enough.  the pay isn't worth the little time i have.  i think once i start working in a few weeks, i am going to drop the birthday parties.  i'll be exhausted.  it is too much for me to go from being a mom of 2 to two hours (or four hours as it were yesterday with two parties back to back) of looking after other people's sick and often bratty children.  no thanks.  i thought i could handle it but i just can't.

on a good note, i did manage to sell a set of our mid-century chairs yesterday.  we bought them for $5-10 and were able to get $180.

kids make you so crazy.  no matter how bad a day i have had, everynight once they are asleep, i go crawling back to them.  no dirty diapers, no hungry cries, no need for attention, no demands for cookies or tv, nothing.  not a peep.  just two of the most perfect and gorgeous cinnamon buns, feasting on a platter of deep z z z's .  their faces are so delicious.  their cheeks beam in the soft light of their moon nightlight, so warm and curiously smelling like cupcakes.  they call out to me and i give in like a fool every time, pressing my nose and lips into a slice of warm pillowy heaven.  they hardly stir, they are already so far asleep.  i inhale their sweet scent from my head to my toes and let the euphoric aroma knock me out.  this is THE reward at the end of everyday.  it is a small reward, but it is a very effective reward.  really, it's like cocaine or even worse NICOTINE!  i can't understand why kevin doesn't do it and why he looks at me like i am crazy whenever i leave our bed to indulge my olfactory system in sweet babylon (get it?).

i keep meaning to do a post on my feelings for chloe because she is seriously devouring me alive like some crazy flesh-eating disease.  i don't know what it is about that girl.  i never thought it possible to feel anymore love than i felt with moses, i thought i was at capacity.  it is not favouritism.  i just can not believe how in love i am.  i feel like we are secret best friends.  i feel like we are soulmates.  i know that sounds so lame, but it is true.  i have totally different loves the way they have completely differently smells, but they are both equally special.  i felt guilty over the relief of having moses stay at my mom's for two night but it was nice to be able to have a break from his Terrible Two Tantrums and be able to give Chloe more one on one time with us.

i'm sorry these posts have been photoless novels as of late.  i am still using a borrowed laptop.

hope everyone had a great weekend.


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