the dark ages
I am back in a very dark place. I feel crazy and fragile and a little hopeless. I would say I felt empty but there is too much anger and frustration flowing through my body that says otherwise. These sways are taking a toll on me. I can feel it in my head that I am mentally off, like a special kind of headache…
I am angry.
I am angry at how challenging it is to be a mother. I am angry that it feels impossible to be a mother that I want to be. I am angry that in times like these, I am stumbling and falling and hardly able to get back up on my feet. I am angry that I can’t just throw in the towel and walk away, that I have no choice but to stay in this marathon and run and run and run for the rest of my life.
Ainge was over today and kept fawning over the kids saying what well behaved kids they are. Why, then, do I want to punch Moses in the face to knock out his teeth? It’s been a challenging past two days for me and I am just sick of having to put up a fight over every tiny thing. I am completely fed up with his refusal to eat. I WANT TO SAY FINE DON’T EAT. But he has to eat. I am having a great amount of anxiety over this because on one hand I know that he is not starving but if I refused to let him eat once he got hungry, I would feel like that would be considered some kind of abuse. And if I did give him food at 9 or 10pm once he became hungry enough to want to eat, I would feel like I had just handed over “power” and “control” to him. I would be afraid that he would never eat dinner with us and that he would just wait until it was bedtime and then inconveniently interrupt his bedtime routine with pleas to eat.
I had to lock him in coco’s highchair since he likes to get up and down from the normal chair or sit backwards or hang off of it instead of sitting forward and eating his food like a normal human being. I hate having to ask him every 20 seconds to turn around or sit back down and to just eat his food. Even in coco’s highchair, he would still just turn around and watch what everyone else was doing so I dragged him over to the corner in hopes that he would be less distracted. He still wouldn’t eat and I was forced to feed him myself for what was probably about half a fucking hour for 6-7 spoonfuls of delicious fucking risotto.
The last 3-4 spoonfuls were it. I had nothing left. I couldn’t contain myself and started freaking out and cussing like it was 2008. How am I supposed to be expected to have the patience after two days of feeling completely depleted to watch him chew a spoonful of food for 2 minutes while touching and tinkering with the highchair or closet or the door. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that I am forced to stand there and feed his stupid fucking mouth at fucking 7:30pm when everyone else’s kids are in bed because otherwise he won’t eat it himself, and even when I am there doing it, I have to tell him every 5 seconds to keep chewing and swallow his fucking food. I hate that on top of all the miserable feelings I am fighting all day long, that I am losing yet another battle to this pain in the ass two year old who is half laughing at me as he hardly seems to care that he is in a corner.
I hate it. I hate the way they are able to bring out the worst in me. I hate how motherhood is the worst test of how good a human being you can be. You are expected to suddenly be the best at being a nurse, a teacher, a caretaker, a cleaner, a cook, AND a companion to your partner without pay and on pitiful amount of sleep. Ugh, even with the sleep I am finally getting, I almost feel worse than when I was still nursing chloe in the middle of the night. You are supposed to suddenly be able to do all these things in the most natural way since motherhood is so natural.
I am annoyed by the naivete of new moms. You don’t need to read any of the books available, you don’t need 80% of the things that you end up obsessing over, it all ends up being crap collecting dust while you try your best to maintain the hurricane that seems to blow through your house everyday. Seriously! Like Seth Rogen says in KNOCKED UP, what did people do before “WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING” was written?!! Go ahead and google some shit or subscribe to babycenter, but seriously, when it’s happening you’re not even going to be thinking of the damn books. Also i need to shut up because was naive and freaked out about so much shit too. IT'S NATURAL.
I feel crappy, because I know I give motherhood a bad rep. I know there are some people out there who are seriously BORN to be mothers and who have an unlimited amount of patience and magical tactics that they are able to employ. I know there are people that will be ok because they aren’t prone to depression. I know there are still others who were ready and chose to have children, rather than have their lives interrupted and devastated by two blue lines. And of course, even those who were not planning that are just better able to cope.
These times worry me. I know that their teen years are far off but I can’t help but remember feeling this level of frustration when I was fighting with my parents. I am dreading having to deal with the terrible twos when they become terrible teens. How am I going to be able to deal with those years when I can hardly manage to handle these times?
I don’t know how my other mom friends do it. I feel like as much as they understand, that I am still on the crap end of the mother scale in comparison. I don’t know why they can do it and I seem to be struggling so much. I don’t know how their houses are so much cleaner. i don’t know how nobody else seems to feel this way or talk about it. I don’t know how daycare providers manage to take care of 5-6 kids, have activities planned for everyday of the working week. I hate feeling sometimes like my kids would be better off at a daycare than with their own mom.