holy hormones batman!

my head is a serious mix of batshit.  i feel horrible, i feel fantastic, i feel scared, i feel on top of the world, i am not having anymore kids, and most recently i want to have one more kid.

i have decided it is the change in hormones from having just weaned chloe from the rack.

i can not stop thinking about having another kid.  my body is yelling at me all hours of the day convincing me like a sly fox that it is time to have another one and YES i can do it all over again and DON'T WORRY IT WILL BE FINE.

the only reason why i know this sly fox is nothing but a dirty liar is that prior to my ppd, i did not feel this way.  i mean i considered having another one, but my body didn't feel like it was on a mission to poke holes in condoms and seduce my husband whom i haven't had any appetite for in months.  my body has been addicted to the hormones of pregnancy and breastfeeding and is in withdrawl!  even without giving kevin (very pathetic) bedroom eyes, my pheromones are seeping out of my skin and attacking him.  prior to these past two weeks, we were adamant about not even holding hands since he has yet to get snipped.  we are (were, hahahaha) terrified about a third surprise.  i've been telling people that the only way we would have more is if we won the lotto or somehow fell into a heap of money.  we just can't do it financially without sabotaging mo&co's quality of life...

i swear though... when i say my hormones are a wolf in disguise, i mean it.  my brain is actually trying to guilt me with crazy talk like "you are missing someone... there is one more adorable little stranger that loves you that wants to be born.  he/she is waiting for you to bring him into the world"  wtf, right?!!!  it's madness!

these hormones are out of control.  they are also giving me strange "empty nest" feelings even though mo&co are still bebes.  they aren't babies anymore.  chloe's first year has gone so fast it makes me feel almost angry.  especially because i kept telling myself we weren't having anymore and i made huge efforts to really enjoy her.  how is my body, coming up on its PRIME, going to respond to me saying "nope that's it, no more kids!"  i feel like so much crazy right now.

if we had another one we would have to buy a different car.  we would have to seriously get a house.  we are nowhere near being able to do either.  ok i lie, i lie.  kevin would get to buy a 50's station wagon (because we are not allowed to get a van) and we would move out to Mission and i would never see anyone ever again.  i feel like two isn't enough and i'm sure that is from my own experience as being part of a three sibling family.  i like having another person to add perspective.  BUT this would make CHLOE the middle child.  and somehow i feel like it's going to be bad enough when she is a teenager without her becoming the middle child.  i never personally felt like "michelle is the first and james is the baby and i am not special".  that is what middle children think, right?  i don't know.  i enjoyed having two siblings.

i couldn't trust kevin's opinion 100% because he is a negative nancy so i called my mom and she told me i wasn't allowed to because she was not going to take care of three grandchildren LOL.  somehow, hearing it from her made me feel better and calmed my anxiety.  too much work.  too much money.

why did god punish women with hormones and periods and obsession with baby smell?

i really dislike moses biting his nails.


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