WHERE'S MY BABY!!!!

excerpt from written journal last night:

"365 days have passed through this house, each day leaving as quickly as the next.  i have dreaded this time all year long, living in the cool shade of denial, hiding from the heat of reality.  chloe is one. she is no longer a little baby, but transitioning into toddlerhood.  she took her first extensive steps dec 23..."


"every single night, i have my adoration at your fingertips, belly, cheeks and little sweet mouth.  i know these days are precious.  i know how my heart operates, how it dreads having to "miss" out on the rich things in life.  you'll never be this small and sweet again.  my memory is already fading, it makes my heart ache to know that so many of the thing i love about you guys will slowly be lost from me.  i try to hang on & savour everything but it just seems to make time run all the faster"


"i love your tiny soft fingers.  how they are the perfect size to hold my cheek.  they are so perfect!  so miniature but retaining every tiny detail, so clearly defined, almost too real to be true.  i love how you still have baby body.  i love how you can't talk yet and how i am still able to understand you.  i love watching you develop into your own person, so different from your brother.  i love watching your personality change more and more, noticing defining attributes & characteristics of who will forever be YOU"


i wish i were a better writer... really i just try to get everything down.  my apologies for you english majors with extensive vocab and infinite ways of expressing yourself  :(

the second one truly is more of a blur than the first.  i have spent the last 372 days hanging onto every moment as much as possible but the lack of sleep, the stress, and the mundane nature of early motherhood shows no sympathy for my heart.  i don't remember chloe being tiny.  even breastfeeding is a long gone memory, though it was only 4 months ago!

i feel awful.  i feel awful that i do not get to dedicate the same amount of time and energy that moses received.  i feel awful that i am happy she is not walking or talking yet.  i mean, i know she is going to do both at one point or another but i can definitely wait, whereas i could NOT wait anymore with moses.  first time parents want everything to happen NOW NOW NOW.  it's a slow process when you have a bible of things to anticipate by your bedside.  with the second one, you KNOW it's going to happen, that all kids do things at different times and in the end they all catch up with one another.

i love that i can still snuggle with chloe and kiss her five billion times a day without being told "noooo!  mommy don't KISS ME!" i know she is one, i know she isn't a baby baby, but she is still totally my little baby.  i don't know why this isn't the case with moses.  he's my big man.  i don't remember him being chloe's age.  if i already don't remember these things now, what is going to happen as they continue to get older?  what WILL i remember?  i am immersed in this lifestyle and as challenging as it is, i know how precious these days are.  no wonder parents want grandkids.

sigh.

chloe is beginning to recognize body parts.  she knows her head.  she knows "clap hands" but i don't know if she knows what hands are or if she just recognizes that the sounds "clap hands" means to clap hands.  she climbs on EVERYTHING.  she is brave and much less conscientious than moses was about falling down.

sigh.  chloe is different.  i know her face and yet it always seems to be mysteriously fleeting.  not just because they grow so fast and change all the time, but because she does not seem to resemble either kev nor myself the way moses had so many features that were obviously me and characteristics from kevin.  chloe seems to be a mystery.

she has 4 molars coming in.

i told myself i would sleep at 11:30pm tonight.  it's 12:07am.  typical.





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