chinese new year
may the dragon bring many great things this lunar year!
i wish my dad and his family had taught us to speak Cantonese. i am at a loss of what to do and what to say in these winter years... i called my Gong Gong this morning after bribing moses with yogurt covered raisins to say "Gung Hay Fat Choy" or "Kung Hei Fat Choi" (is there a correct way???) on the phone. the conversation pretty well ended. the language barrier is a high wall. today is supposed to be a happy and celebratory day, but aside from these two beautiful smiling faces, my heart was often heavy.
i have not become accustomed to the way things have changed since my dad, my grandma, and my uncle all passed on in the span of 2 years. i have not become accustomed to having no celebratory plans. i feel lost. i scanned the internet for things to do before nap time. i found myself at Lansdowne, only to arrive to an empty mall. i realized the twittered photo i had seen of a sea of people, was probably taken on the weekend. i was disappointed i had missed dragon dances and probably free trinkets for the kids.
my grandma was the driving force and the holder of traditions, the person who pulled me into the delicious cooking pot of my Chinese culture. i feel like i have lost such a huge part of myself. i'm struggling to identify myself. i wonder what do i pass on? all i have left is the golden noodles.
they are my only consolation. they are the passageway to reliving memories of the warm cozy living room where i used to sit with my brother and watch The Simpsons or Chinese gameshows, soap operas or movies. the adults crammed themselves together at the tiny table in the kitchen. they would retreat shortly to return many more rounds of Mah Jong in the basement. there would be chicken wings, prawns, salty fish, boiled cold chicken with the oil, onion and garlic dip, the bbq pork that my grandma demanded be THE BEST cuts from the go-to place in Chinatown, and of course the warm savoury peanut soup. i would stuff myself...
my mom invited me to have dinner with her and my brother in richmond but i wanted kevin to make the noodles for us. the kids LOVE the noodles. it brings so much joy to them, the same joy it brought me every single time they were made for me. my grandma knew these were my favourite among all the other dishes. tonight, chloe was devouring handfuls at a time and moses was drinking them out of his bowl once his chopsticks could no longer grab a suitable mouthful.
chloe appropriately washing it down with apple juice. they used to have packs of individual apple juice in the downstairs fridge at my grandparents. my sister would drink Coke, and i would have fucking A-Jay.
kevin was very sweet. not only did he pick up the ingredients and go straight to making the noodles once he arrived home, he also was very thoughtful to pick up a small bag of (my favourite!) baby clementines!
we ate them for dessert along with some egg rolls that we had received over the holidays
pretending they are cigars NEVER gets old...
we had Cait and Ty come play for a while after dinner. it was nice to have company.
this was my chinese new year. everything changes. we have to adapt. we have to direct light where there is none. we do our best. everything changes, nothing stays the same. we move on and make our own special traditions to pass down. in my case, it's the noodles :)