slow emotion

welcome to the longest month of the entire year.  the first week feels like 3.  it's only 4 days in, though it feels like new year's was ages ago, and christmas feels a month ago when it was only 2 weeks!  it's as if time has come to a standstill.

i've been overwhelmed the last few days with reflective thoughts...  i am coming closer to accepting the way things are.  i've been reading my old live journal posts and it is much easier to distinguish the changes that have occurred since i became a mother.  those posts are CAPS CAPS CAPS.  so much yelling and so much bi-polar craziness.  yes, yes i know that these posts are often bi-polar, capitalizing on the highest highs and lowest lows, but trust me, they used to be much much worse.  

what i gathered the most from these old posts was the complete lack of direction.  i was all over the place...  but i guess that is how things are when your schedule isn't controlled by children.  my handcuffs to career and to relationships certainly have presence, but the handcuffs of mo&co have proven much tighter and weighty.  i miss the freedom to roam as i please, but i can now say i also enjoy having a map and a compass.  i feel i have more purpose.  it is not to say that a childless life has no purpose, but for me it has provided me with a clearer sense of what i need to do.  this works for me as i require more motivation than others.  

i'm reflecting a great deal on myself, on my process, on my progress...  tonight we made a short visit to my in-laws.  i asked my father in law if things sort of settled at all at a certain age or if things changed endlessly.  the latter was the answer.  "... just when you think you sort of have things figured out...."  that was the key phrase that rang a bell.  how many times in the last couple of years have i lamented and agonized over having just figured out who i was when *surprise* moses came along!

this has brought a small sense of peace to me.  i need to let go.  i need to stop trying so hard to find a final answer to who i am, because i am never going to stop changing.  i need to let go of so many things and i don't know how...  i definitely need to be more diligent in letting go and decluttering the things in our home and i wish letting go of emotional hurts could be just as easy.  

my biggest nugget is having had one of my best friends walk out on me when moses was 3 months.  i was appalled back then in my upside down ravaged world, but i still thought maybe i was being dramatic about it.  i blew up a few months later when we attended a mutual friend's party and she talked to kevin and cooed over moses, without speaking to me.  i was reassured by an acquaintance that intentions were not as cruel as i had painted them out to be and so i continued to wander through my feelings of loss and frustration for another 6 months.  it was at this point, kevin and i hit a rough patch (while newly pregnant with another unplanned cocobear) and i was forced to make changes in my life.  i called her crying and apologized for my wrongs and for my thoughtlessness and lack of understanding for her side and it seemed things were left on civil grounds...

i saw her a few months ago when i went out for karaoke with some friends.  it was so random.  we didn't speak.  it seemed we both felt it better to pretend we didn't know the other person was there.

i can't say i fully understand her side, but i really really tried in an effort to make peace with her and to try to become a better person.  today, part of me questions my apology.  no matter how much i twist myself into understanding how i had hurt her, i can't shake the feeling that maybe i didn't need to apologize.  i understand the logic behind what she felt but i still do not agree with it.  i understand why she felt the way she did, but i didn't feel ending our friendship was the solution...  we had different views.  her personality told her to end it and leave for her own emotional safety.  my personality wanted to push through differences because i valued our friendship so much and believed if we both wanted it to, we could work things out.  i drove to meet her for tea to try to convince her in person.  moses was at home at 3 months with kevin and i was crying in a fucking cafe begging my best friend to stay while she acted nonchalant
 and cold.  i had seen her end things to save getting hurt and seen her be cold to others, but i never imagined i would be put in that seat.  

i'm angry.  

i'm so angry.

looking back into 2009 and reading my entries for the first 3 months, yes, i saw the crazier version of who i used to be, but i still saw the honesty in what i wrote and how difficult it was for me to adapt.  i know there is no being prepared for a baby, no matter how long you try to conceive and no matter how many baby books you've memorized...  but there is a smidge of difference when you make a planned decision to have your world upside down and that difference is that your list of regrets and TO DO's is significantly shorter.  i needed her.  and she left.  i needed her more than i ever needed her.  and she blew me off as if i had just met her a week before.  for having been so hurt by my INactions, she showed zero emotion.

i know i can't expect her to know what motherhood does to you...  but i don't know how to find peace with this.  i gave my apology despite feeling hurt ten thousand times more than how i had hurt her.  i KNOW that i felt and continue to feel ten thousand times worse.  i wish i could have had been shown some emotion.  i just needed to feel like i did matter, that even if we couldn't agree on how to handle a social situation, that she could have still told me she was sad that she couldn't handle being hurt.  i was made to feel like a horrible person.  i was so bad a friend,  even after 4 years,  i was not worth keeping.  and i was 3 months into motherhood.  i wasn't sleeping... i was awake at 2am as the drunks stumbled home yelling outside my apartment window feeding moses and awake at 5am when the sun was rising feeding him again.  2 hours later i would start my 8 hour day, alone and counting the minutes down til kevin would be home.  moses didn't sleep like chloe, moses required perpetual holding and bouncing and rocking and sometimes wouldn't sleep for more than 2 hours.  i didn't know what hit me.  and she was long gone.  

how do you forgive and how do you forget?  



Comments

  1. How did I not know this happened to you?
    God, I feel like you're so much better at expressing yourself in words than me.. I read back in my lj about when Lindsay & I 'broke up' and it felt really similar to what you're saying here, but I sure didn't manage to express it as well.
    I will never understand the people that just walk away.

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