dwindle dwindle

where to begin.  i've hit a few potholes the past couple of days.  moses is thankfully back to his usual self after 3-4 days of random vomit, diarrhea, and requests to rub his poor belly.

this has been the broken record playing in the back of my head for a while now.  it rings true, and yet i can not stop comparing myself to everything and everyone.  it feels like comparing myself is the only way of showing where i stand among the mess that is my life.  i don't mean that as dramatically as it may sound.  i do mean it literally in the sense that i am forever ploughing through laundry, dishes, toys, and piles of TO DO papers, clothes to give away, clothes to donate, clothes to fix, clothes to steam, and clothes to organize into any of the above categories.  i also mean it in terms of how people say your home reflects your mental state.  no, my life is not a devastated mess, but it is definitely a completely fresh baked frazzle pie 98% of the time.

i compare myself to other mom friends.  i compare my home to theirs and then assess why they are polar opposites or completely on par.  where do i stand among them?  i feel like i am doing my best but get so frustrated when at 10pm the house is still or once again a total mess.  i have been trying extra hard the past two weeks to make healthier meals and NEW meals, i have been commanding myself no rest times and bullying myself into cleaning bootcamp style.  and i am EXHAUSTED.  i'm sweating up a storm while switching back and forth between feelings of intense anger and elation at the sight of table and floor space.  whenever i am tempted to sit down at the computer, i shame myself back into cleaning because what would "so-and-so" think if they walked in RIGHT NOW?

this is peace

i'm trying to recognize the patterns of how things build up.  my mantra has become (the popular) everything has its place and interchangeably just do it now, don't leave it until later.  i am thankful for the dresser i picked up at the thrift shop the other week because it conveniently keeps all the crafts and stacks of papers that would normally consume every other surface.  i know that in terms of the toys and clothes that get picked up and dragged and forgotten along the way by moses and chloe is something i have to make peace with.  that is never going to end.  

(just gave moses a mani pedi.  he is not cool with climbing the couch sans hands hahaha...)

tuesday was a rough night.  i've replaced my fellow mom co-worker as she finally decided after two years and two kids to quit and dive head first back into a full-time 9-5 job.  i now do the 5/6-10:15 instead of 10.  it's only 15 minutes.  i'm not lonely or sad she is gone, in fact i am ecstatic that she was able to find a job and buckle down after being a SAHM for 3 years.  it sucks not having someone to visually remind me that i am not alone.  now it reminds me that i only have a few years before the kids are in school and i need to figure out what i am going to do with myself.

i'm terrified.  i know 30 is not old.  it is and it isn't.  it's an entirely different era.  and yet, i can't help but feel old and scared that i am going to be trumped by the young blood who are more privy to all the new technology.  i'm peeing in my pants.  i'm trying not to be too hard on myself and yet i am beating myself up about this.  it is so difficult to find time and energy to create after day in and day out of prioritizing family.  it's challenging to find a balance.  i find so many fantastic blogs by other moms who seem to be keeping it together with 2+ kids.  i don't know how they do it.  perhaps it's a façade like everything else on the internet?

girl looks like a zombie until you look up close
this is how i feel except for the gorgeous clothes and perfectly messy hair

it's taken me all day to write this.  i started at 2pm and i don't know how i am still awake... i feel like whatever moses just got over is possibly now in my system.  my body is aching and my head is pounding.

we dropped the kids off at my mom's after dinner.  that killed me.  with moses, i started working fridays when he was 10 months until chloe was born.  he stayed at my mom's every thursday night, so it's no big deal to him.  chloe, on the other hand, has slept over only 2-3 times in the past 3-4 months and my mom basically grabbed the kids and closed the door on us.  i felt like i had just abandoned chloe.  nothing i could do.  i couldn't fight the door open, she knew what was happening and seeing my again would only make matters worse...

  we went to the mall to run a few errands.  i managed to check out glasses at two places, buy 2 NEW BRAS (HALLELUJAH! I CAN BUY FROM A NON-SPECIALTY STORE AGAIN!!!!), and feel totally depressed and out of place at the Aritzia Now-or-Never sale.  I felt like such garbage in my jeans with the faded knees from crawling after kids and slouching butt, my grungy cons, and my hair totally coming undone.  let's not go into details about seeing myself in the 3 way mirror trying on bras, but focus on the fact that i have NEVER been in and out of a bra store that fast: MAYBE 10 minutes.

ok, weekend.  i'm ready for whatever you've got.


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