push/shove

i'm really having a hard time with this whole parenting thing among other things.

truth be told, in spite of my upbeat valentine's post, yesterday's energetic jumpstart slowly simmered down to a long and exhausting day.  i wanted to get a headstart back on life after days of lethargy, nausea, and being on house arrest.  i should have taken it easy but i had been wanting to walk into town for weeks now.  my body had been dying for a brisk walk, but my mornings start at 9am and by the time we are ready to go out it's so close to lunch that we don't have time to walk and end up in the car instead.  by the time we got back home, my body started shutting back down with anxiety to set up a photoshoot to post for blogging and for my sister (my sis helps us out so much and the least i can do is have photos of the kids).  i was emotionally on edge because i have a bad habit of letting people get to me which didn't help. chloe, hasn't been sleeping her full two hours lately (except for last week at my mom's when she slept for 3.5 hours WTF!!!!)  so we started the photoshoot early once she was up and as usual, i ended up freaking out at them half the time so that i'm a total angry, impatient, and sweaty mess.

once we'd all had enough, there was clean up.  sometimes i think i have rocks in my head.  what was i thinking with the SPARKLES!!!!  well, i KNOW what i was thinking and i have another bad habit of pretending things won't be so bad...  i was constantly yelling "STAY. OUT!!!" while i hurriedly swept up sparkles knowing full well they would be back in 10 seconds - what with their goldfish memory and all.

i failed to mention in my updates post about chloe's new temper tantrums.  i can not tell you of the fear of god that this girl has put into my heart.  moses has normal tantrums.  chloe's tantrums make me shrink with terror because they are such stereotypical "female" tantrums.  they are the irrational emotions of a woman with pms.  she will full fledge fling herself onto her back and cry big fat tears.  she is way more flexible than moses ever was and will bury her face between her legs from a 90 degree sitting position with her arms flat on the ground by each leg and cry.  and when i give her whatever object of desire she was pining for, she will refuse it and scream and cry first before finally accepting it.  it seriously makes me feel like a man when she does this.  i am mortified.  i can not even begin to imagine surviving motherhood once she enters teen hood.

i did not fare much better today.  they were awful today.  today's theme was the popular "hit my sister every fucking 20 seconds".  if i had to take a shot for every time moses hit, pushed, tripped, side-swiped, sat on, or squished her up against something, i would be in a coma from alcohol poisoning.  oh wait, it was also "grab everything that chloe has in her hand" day as well.  there is no parenting advice for this.  there is parenting advice for when this happens ONCE.  there is no parenting advice when a child does something 30 times a day.  how do you parent an egocentric asshole?  it isn't that you don't love them, but where in god's name do you get the patience to continue parenting the "RIGHT WAY" when IT. IS. CLEARLY. NOT. WORKING.  how does one respond in a calm, cool and loving manner over and over and over again?

in the early days of motherhood when a baby won't stop crying, they tell you to put the baby in it's crib and go cry into or beat the shit out of a pillow.  do you know how many pillows moms would go through?  also, a baby's cry is much less offensive than TWO angry toddler cries that i would most certainly have to hear from across my 1000sq foot single floor home.

so i yell.  and i jerk them around.  and i say very sarcastic things to them.  i lose my human sympathy after hours of listening to them cry over stupid things like when moses cried when i soaped up his body during showertime.  he was crying that there was soap in his eyes when there wasn't.  he then of course started rubbing his eyes with his arms which PUT soap in his eyes which made him cry even more.  i felt awful because i called him stupid.  i'm sorry!  i'm really really sorry!  this was HOUR 11.  I HAD NO BREAK TODAY until after showertime!  i had just finished washing chloe!  25lbs of slippery baby squirming in my arms while i tried to get shampoo out of my eyes without rubbing my contacts out and moses accidentally wiggling his hands in my vagina looking to hold my leg!!!  and even once i jumped in bed with my new BAZAAR, moses was bawling his eyes out for me.  THERE IS NO ESCAPE.

sigh.

how does gwyneth paltrow do it?

i feel so much guilt.  my days are so consumed with feeding and cleaning that i don't have time to sit down and "teach" them.  i'm going to two open houses tomorrow for pre-schools.  i am looking forward to this because i know moses will flourish outside of the house and chloe will FINALLY  get some one on one time with me.  i gotta start going back to Strong Start in the meantime until moses is 3.

i'm not a perfect parent because i am not a perfect person.   i try and it is never enough.  i never feel like i have done enough.  sometimes i feel like they are raising me to be a better parent but i suck and i am letting them down.  i'm sorry if some of you are surprised, but i don't think people talk enough about the shortcomings of being a parent.  i'm a parent but I'M HUMAN TOO.

that's all.


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