steel toed boots

hide and seek with moses is becoming more frequent and more awesome
i wish you could have seen him jump and hit the ceiling one of the other times today

the days go by fast.  i take mental notes of things to remember to blog about when i should be taking ACTUAL notes.  i don't know why i never learn.  i know there are little things, wonderful things that i see and when i get here, all i know is that they were wonderful but have no recollection of what they are.  they are growing too fast.  i see newborns, i hold baby armenie, and i do not know what happened to my children.  it's almost like a big "eff you" to the face.

i figured out what i want to do with my life a few nights ago.  i've been scribbling notes and ideas down.  i went to the bank yesterday and have a meeting next week with a small business advisor.  cait came over to watch the kids during switchover time, and she told me that her mom actually ran her father's business for 30 years and would be able to give me some advice as well.  i'm really excited.  i wrote about wanting to have my store months back... this is different.  i'm really nervous.  i don't want to really talk about it.  i know that people do this all the time, i know some fail, i know some succeed, and if i want to do this, well this is the only life i have!

yesterday was a day of errands.  dropped $50 at Thriftys for groceries, rushed home and made customized lunches.  Halves for mom, quarters for moses, and bowl with side of rice crackers for chloe since she always tears her sandwiches apart and eats the insides.

she loves pickles.  it was the first thing she grabbed.

i returned tired and grumpy from work to chloe encircled by stuffed animals.  i figured kevin must have made the arrangement, but when i brought it up, he said he had nothing to do with it.  crazy.

le petit prince


motherhood is hard.  i know they are getting older, but i still feel like i'm in survival mode, doing anything for a shred of sanity.  i think that i've been blinded by desperation and was confronted twice this week by a close mom friend and kevin on my disciplining or should i say LACK THEREOF.  saara was right.  i think i'm hard on them but i'm not.  i just yell out of frustration.  that isn't being hard, that is being bereft of patience and feeling completely out of control.  i also harbour a lot of guilt.  guilt from not being able to clone myself and give them both 100% of my energy.  kevin topped it off reminding me that if i give moses choices, i have to follow through with handing out consequences.  i have been totally wishy washy and in doing so, i have been handing over a portion of control over to him.  this explains exactly why i have been feeling like i have no control lately and i have been wanting to punt him.  i mean WHO GIVES POWER TO A MANIAC and expects it to go over well.  

i have been putting my foot down and i have been pleasantly surprised at the response.  yes, the immediate response is crappy.  that is no surprise.   the surprise is that if i just wait a little longer instead of moving from one bribe to another and giving into his behaviour, he learns to deal with it and a switch in his head goes off telling him that he better smarten the eff up because mom doesn't give a shit if he doesn't get dessert.  ok, i do give a little shit, because i love watching him enjoy dessert.  YOU LOVE SEEING YOUR KID HAPPY NO MATTER HOW SHITTY THEY ARE ACTING.  thankfully, i got to see the benefits of the last two nights i was at work where moses refused to eat his food.  he had no dessert and nothing else until the next morning.  after those two days of kevin putting his foot down, moses ate his entire meal plus more AND AMAZINGLY did not freak out when i put the dessert in front of him and said he could only have it once he was done.  i could not believe it.  FINALLY!  no more arguing at the table, no more bribes, no more feeding him like a 5 month old, no more bullshit!

tonight's dessert: Vanilla Krema, Strawberries, Grated chocolate

my friend Ada paid a visit along with my mom today.  we had lunch at Maguro.  moses freaked out knowing the toy store with the trains set up was 2 doors down.  he was playing the whole mommy-bad/ada-good! game today, having a fit as i buckled and unbuckled him instead of Ada.  he then freaked about not being hungry and just wanting to go see the trains. i told him that we would go if he was good and to stop telling me he was good and start SHOWING me.  he started of well and spiralled down.  he finally finished his food (with some help) but it was too late.  even after finishing his food, thinking that meant TRAINS, he was rudely awakened that finishing the food was not good enough.  my mom tried to sneak him in, and i pulled him out.  ok, actually i yelled two doors down from the restaurant "STOP!!!!!!  GET OUT!!!!!!"  he needs to get the message.  and i had not been sending it to him. the message he was getting was that i could be pushed around and that my bribes were just meaningless words spewing anger and frustrating out of my mouth.

wish i could just park myself on the couch and watch my MadMen, i've been on here for 3 hours working on projects for a few friends.  sigh.

i hope i manage to look presentable for tomorrow's photoshoot.

oh also, i forgot to mention the other week that chloe escaped naked, peed on the floor and then slipped in it, fell, and bawled her face off.  it was hilarious and awful at the same time.

the end.


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