the write-off

there are no photos to document today.  i haven't had one of these days in a long time, and i do hope that the next one is months away.  i forgot about these days...  like pregnancy and childbirth, parenting seems to also have its secrets that nobody talks about.  i know there are good days and bad days, but sometimes i forget that their can be awful days.  at least it was just an awful morning today.  the entire day was not a write-off.

it's easy to list all the things moses did this morning, one after the other.  it was like a game of baseball, except with 10, no 15, no maybe 18 bases.  he hit the ball straight out of the field and one after the other, he hit all the bases; except that the bases were a mix of hurting chloe in a multitude of ways and doing as many things as possible that he knows he isn't supposed to do.  normal days consist of the same behaviour, the difference being the frequency.  it was like he was wearing earmuffs.  i don't know what is happening to his brain on these days where he is just acting out like a total POS.

he knows he isn't supposed to be hiding under the table eating my chapstick.  he knows he isn't supposed to run as fast as he can so that he "accidentally" side swipes chloe onto the floor.  he knows he isn't supposed to crush the blinds in his fist as hard as he can and that he isn't supposed to wrestle chloe into headlocks.  and for some fucking reason he decided:

"i don't care if i get in trouble every 5 minutes for the next two hours, i'm going to do whatever the fuck i want!"

it is a regular pain in the ass to get us fed, cleaned, & dressed in any sort of reasonable time.  it is frustrating to never be out of the house on time.  it's my new pet peeve.  by the time we are out the door and into the hallway, i'm already huffing and puffing and moses has to pipe up from his backseat "please don't be angry mommy..."

this makes me feel shitty.  and i have tried to simmer down.

regular pain in the ass is manageable.  there is room for improvement.  there is room to be flexible with plans and let things slide by.  it's just another day in the life.

this morning felt like i was chloe being side swiped by moses.  he just would not let up, he just would not stop and my patience was all gone.  i have not spanked this boy in a long time, but today and the last 2 days have seen my hand slap his little butt...  i did go through a phase of it a while back and managed to get away from it.  i am not opposed to spanking since i was always spanked.  i have no feelings of being damaged or mistreated, if anything i am shocked that i am still alive!  spanking me was the least they could have done to me.  still, i would rather not do it.

let's put it this way:  what would you do at the office, if a co-worker decided to just throw all the papers off the photocopier all morning (laughing about it each time), spill coffee on the floor and leave the cup on the floor, remove a few articles of clothing and leave them strewn in your office, scream and whine at you while you were on the phone, and bang a stapler on every table while singing?  there wouldn't BE a situation where you would kindly ask them to stop.  you would immediately confront them with a huge


you would think there was something wrong with them.  you would think they were the biggest most inconsiderate insane asshole on the planet.  WHO WOULD DO THAT?!  but more importantly, WHO WOULD TREAT THAT PERSON WITH UTMOST LOVE AND RESPECT???  i don't know about you, but i'm pretty sure i might clock that person in the head with the coffee mug or stapler while singing my own victory song...

at one point, i was shaking, i was so angry with him.
every moment he was out of ear shot i was calling him names.

i felt like i hated my son.

writing that is awful.  and feeling it is awful.  i know it may sound doubtful that i could feel that way, and even i can not believe that is how i was feeling, but i was feeling it.  well, ok, maybe it was displaced anger and what i really felt was anger over how hard it was to be a mom and how challenging a task he was giving me.  anyway, i was angry.  i was really really angry.  i was a hair off blind rage.  it felt like i was being bullied and couldn't do anything about it.  most days he is more or less willing to listen and cooperate within reason for his age.  today, he couldn't care less about anything or anyone.

luckily, i scored a playdate, if not a short one, with my friend Saara.  she is so fantastic when it comes to these sorts of things.  whenever i feel like i am out of control or moses is out of control, she reminds me that i am not awful and i am not alone.  she reminds me that we are human and that if these little people were anything other than our kids, they would be sitting at the bottom of an ocean, ball and chain attached.  somedays, these little things, they build up.  there is only so much we can take.  (god, how many times did my mom tell me those exact words!!!)  seriously, sometimes it feels like abuse to have to take so much shit as we struggle to mold these children into the best people they can be.  and in saara's words, on days like today, we have to let it go and tell ourselves:

It's ok...  Today is a shitty day, today is a write-off.  Give yourself permission to have a shitty day. 
Tomorrow will be a new day, we can start again.


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