dark and stormy
i hate these days. i know they are not everyday, but i know they ARE. they are an essential ingredient to creating a good parent. unfortunately, on these days where i have nothing to give and all moses wants to do is take take take, i almost always fail the test.
there is this monster, this dark brooding monster that feeds on my inability to deal with plate after plate after fucking plate of unappetizing crap dealt out by these smaller monsters. i can deal with 3 meals a day with a few snacks, but on these 12 course meals days, i am just a wreck. my whole body just feels sick. i don't want to go to work and i most definitely do not want to stay at home with them the rest of the evening. i am in dire need of some time alone, especially since they have been going through this 3-4 week long phase where they both NEED me and cry for me. THERE IS NO END IN SIGHT. i've been logging overtime with them and there has been no fucking compensation.
it is also on these days where i think of my parents and are so grateful to them for sticking it out to the bitter end, no matter how horrible we were. for all their mistakes and moments of impatience and self-control, i forgive them. i forgive EVERYTHING. if anything, i deserved it. it is exhausting to feel bullied and pushed to the edge by these tiny humans whom require every last ounce of your energy, feeding and cleaning and teaching and loving AND with less sleep than you've ever had. UGH. i forgot how i've been sleeping less as chloe has been waking up anywhere around midnight crying balls for me, then having to stay up with her for at least 20 minutes before trying to put her back in bed and listen to her cry some more until she falls asleep. AND THEY HAVE BEEN WAKING UP EARLIER ON TOP OF IT. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!
LEAVE ME ALONE!