heavy heart heavy lids

i am aware that lack of sleep has a great effect on everything, on my moods, patience, motivation and confidence.  i'm feeling really lost right now...  it's the curse of being a creative soul.  what direction do i take?  i have so many interests to choose from, i am not the sort of person to take one and go all the way.  i take pleasure in moving from one thing to another or integrating many things into one.

i have been questioning the "meaning" of this blog.  i initially began blogging as a way of journaling my life as a mother, but it has expanded beyond the boundaries of motherhood.  i am a very open and very honest person.  i fear my blog does not abide by the rules of having a successful blog.  at the same time, is that my true goal?  i wanted this to be for me, with the ability to share with others who appreciate honesty and reality.  there are some amazing blogs that i follow that do not have much detail or real emotion or others that paint a truly picture perfect life as a mother.  i have been wondering if i have what it takes to have a successful blog and how much i really want one in terms of being true to myself.

i second guess myself a lot.  i assume other creative folk question their work as well.  based on work i have created in my past, i live in constant paranoia that my current work will become cringe-worthy regrets that will haunt me in 5-10 years.

i don't know what i am doing or where i am going.  i am feeling a great sense of panic.  i had hoped that in having a blog, it would provide a base audience for my future endeavours once the kids were in school full time.  as it stands, all of my current hopes, goals, and projects seem to be suffering due to my lack of time and availability as a mother of two young kids.  i often wonder if i am just not pushing myself enough despite feeling like i am pushing myself into delirium.

i promise myself to sleep early every night and it never happens.  i know that my exhaustion is wreaking havoc on my body.  i know that it is a huge contributor to my impatience and the frequency of yelling when dealing with the kids.  as much as it is great waking up after 9am every morning, i hate how it cuts out a significant amount of time that i would love to otherwise take advantage of.  i want to get up earlier.  i want to have enough sleep.  i want to stretch and do a little body "wake up" exercise with the kids.  i want to give them a mini lesson with something to keep them busy while i make breakfast.  i keep meaning to make my own calendar to teach the days of the weeks and the months.  i want to have a schedule set up that allows me to better plan my day and allows me to have more energy to be active rather than take every opportunity of breathing time to sit on my ass and relax.

i don't know if i am good enough.  and i don't want to throw away my talent and creativity.  right now, my creativity is just above mediocre with little time to practice and get into the thick of things.  i don't want to be stuck in an office.  i don't want to be stuck doing something that is not creative just to make ends meet.  again, totally confirming the "starving artist" stereotype.  it is such a curse to be artistic.  people love beautiful things but most people don't have the money to indulge themselves.  so many others devalue art, assuming that it is a piece of cake for those with talent to create something, as if creativity is something that can be pulled out of one's ass.  it is a curse to want to buy into the dream of "do what you / LOVE / what you do".  it's just not that easy... although i'm sure there are those that will tell you otherwise.

sigh.

i don't know how to make things happen right now.  i don't even know if it is worth trying to do it right now or if i need to be patient and wait until the chaos of 18 months and 36 months simmers down.  i am feeling a sense of urgency knowing that our income has us stuck in 1040 sq feet that will not hold the 4 of us for too long.  what can i do to help us move into something we can call our home?

i need help.  i always need help.  i need some time to myself to figure things out, but i always end up spending that time cleaning up the house with the false hope that it will bring me a sense of peace and control.


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