yesterday was a write-off.  i sent moses to my room after i had had enough and he passed out.  i took this photo while i was getting ready for work, still half angry at him.

kevin later took this photo when dinner was ready.

these power struggles are so draining.  i woke up hopeful that today would be better and it was not.  i made a promise with moses this morning that we would both try to be better today and that went straight to hell in a hand basket.  some days, he'll run into my room having picked out an outfit that actually matches and will have fully dressed himself.  on days like today, he sits on the floor and panics and cries that he can't pull his pants up while not even trying.  sigh.  i told him i hated him.  i yanked him around.  the monster came ripping through my face like a demon out of hell. 

we managed to get to Franc Depart (the bilingual Strong Start) for an hour.  it was good.  i am hopeful. i'm trying to put myself at ease though i have been feeling very nervous as of late about French immersion.  

we had a picnic lunch on the patio.  

the monster returned again.  the whole reason i sent him to my room yesterday is because he would not put his toys away.  he groans that he is tired.  he groans that he can't.  he groans that it is too hard.  and yet, he has shown me on other days just how quickly and efficiently he can clean everything up in a very organized fashion.  i bribed him with treats.  i bribed him with tv.  i bribed him with computer games.  i threatened taking toys away.  i threatened to take the toys and give them to the thrift shop.  i threatened spanks.  the bribes didn't work.  the threats worked for the first 2 minutes, at which point he became distracted by the toys and began to play with them.  

it was the same thing today.  i even reminded him of yesterday and it was still in one ear and out the other.   if he can do it himself, i am not going to help him!  i also do not want to be standing watch and yelling out reminders every 45 seconds that he forgets and starts playing with his toys.  NO!  that is also a power struggle!  and i know that these days are just a lost cause and it infuriates me.  there will just be days where it sucks.  but i don't know what to do with those days.  do i just let them slide?  does that mean he wins?  I DON'T WANT HIM TO WIN!  THIS IS NOT HOW IT WORKS.  

so the only rational explanation was to freak out and throw toys at him before grabbing a bag and throwing whatever loose toys were still sprawled over the living room and then send him to his room to sleep.  i can't believe how gloriously peaceful it is to not hear either of their voices and yet i feel like absolute crap.  i feel alone.  i know every kid is different.  i know they all have their own way of driving their parents up the walls, but please, tell me if you have yet to throw toys at your kids or tell them you hate them at age 3?  have you done it?  

there are days where i really pat myself on the back and think i am doing a fantastic job.  i'm feeding them well, they are learning, they are growing, and they are happy.  and on days like today, i wonder if i am just kidding myself.  i wonder if i'm not doing as great a job as i imagine myself to be doing.  i wonder why other moms are not calling me crying or calling me for help or sanity.  i wonder why i am the only one that seems to be posting about my trials and wonder if it is a sign that i am failing.  i wonder if i am fit.  i wonder if i am good enough.  i wonder how the hell i am going to be able to handle the infinite tests that lay before me when i can not seem to handle the most simple ones at hand.  they are only going to get more complicated and more trying.  

what am i going to do.  


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