my mother and sister have requested some photos for their home.  both have one printed of chloe's profile and it would only make sense to have one of each.

who are these children?  there are so many pregnant ladies in my life, there are so many younger kids, tiny babies, and all of them escape me.  time could not be any slower and yet it is racing by all the same.  every stage chloe arrives at makes me look over at moses and my heart breaks.  i don't remember anything.  every hug and kiss and tiny smile is lost.  it comes and goes and all you can do is live in each moment.  each one counts.  make the effort to live in each moment and savour it, and you can at least move forward without regret, without feelings of loss.  

there is a definite order to the order of children.  there are pros and cons for each child.  i mourn over moses' "loss of babyhood".  chloe gets more love and snuggles than i remember giving moses.  moses drove me insanely batshit.  i wished all his time away, and then chloe came along at 10 months of age.  i have way more patience with her as he built my tolerance.  however, the positive is that chloe reminds me to take more in with moses.  she reminds me that no matter how big he seems, he really is still little, just as he was so little when chloe was born.  at that point, i felt like he was so big.  

the time is flying.  it makes me panic.  

i'm not ready.

you're never ready... for ANY of it.  perhaps that is why everything goes so slow.  everything is so gradual, so mundane, so Groundhog Day, that before you know it, the next phase is in play and it is pulling you along.  there isn't time to celebrate or mourn because you are keeping up with the pace, making sure the show is going and going as smoothly as can be.

i just realized today that next month, moses will be attending preschool.  i am not ready for this.

when kids are this tiny, life takes forever.  when they are newborns, every minute and every second is felt throughout your exhausted shell-shocked body.   the time can NOT pass quickly enough with that first child.  bouncing, feeding, changing, bouncing, feeding, changing, not sleeping not sleeping not sleeping.  then you wish they would sit up, roll over, crawl, stand, cruise, take that first step, eat real food, say mama/dada... that entire first year is 100% anticipation.  and as slow as it goes, it's over so fast.  

i am sure this never ends.  i am not ready for what is to come.  i'm not ready for school and bullies and popularity.  i'm not ready for what subjects they may struggle in.  i'm not ready on how to start teaching them about the emotions of feeling left out or not doing well at something.  while they are so young, it feels like they will never get older.  although we know babies turn into adults, the reality does not seem to hit right away.  when couples talk about having kids, they are thinking of sweetly posed images of well rested parents with beautiful clean smiling babies.  it seems these babies have no future other than to be babies and maybe small people.  THEY ARE GOING TO BE PEOPLE!  and they depend on YOU to help them become the best they can be.  that's a big job for someone who doesn't get paid!


those are my feelings for the night.  i can't wait for tomorrow, heading out for another Langemann BBQ with my yummy mummy Taryn!!! 


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