dear diary

last night i wrote on paper for the first time in probably 2 years.  i have written in diaries/journals since i was 10 and i have a huge collection stored in my closet back at my mom's from 1993 - 2005/6 when we got married and i moved out.  i continued to write though less often thatn EVERYDAY or every couple of days.  this was refreshing, especially after the past two months of being glued to this seat.

transcribed (sleep typing)

it's chloe's birthday tomorrow.

somehow that's just hit me now... for the past couple of weeks it's just been another number on the calendar to remember, colliding with the billion other events that seem to be hellbent on being as close together as possible.  like school girls, god forbid they be split apart.

tonight, i believe, i hope, was the first night to start my winter break from all this craziness.

it has been a wild year.  so much has happened and so much has and continues to change.  there is new energy in me.  i'm being fuelled by the unsuspecting waves of positive response and riding on that good energy.

so many of my posts for the last week or so have sighed reliefs of "just finishing ...." but crossing my fingers that i ACTUALLY mean it this time.

Moses didn't have school today, but Mirka had sent an email out to the Franc Départ families about
TUES: Christmas Cookies
WED: Last day of 2012, Santa coming, potluck to follow

So excited to have "no work" to do, I had a spring in my step as I hustled the babies out of bed with promises of CHRISTMAS COOKIES!  (seriuosly, i could probably say "shit covered cookies!" and they'd still jump out of bed).

cookies.

it felt so good to be "free".  cait's work party was last night and it was my last thing before the holidays.  i was in a great mood and by the time we arrived at school, some of the regulars were already there and greeted me with a smile.  i love Franc Départ.  it's become a home.  the familiar faces, the warmth , the humour, the understanding and the two big couches and free tea & coffee.  it's the perfect haven for parents.  the kids had a great time making the cookies and more fun grabbing as many as possible to eat afterwards!  we have two hung on our little tree :)
i began editing in the afternoon after a surprisingly decent lunch.  penne, sliced salami & cherry tomatoes, spinach & mozza.  as the afternoon wore on, i began losing my patience with them.  by the time kevin arrived home, i had put together dinner with the both of them bitching at me for oranges and cereal and they acted like such a-holes just banging spoons on their bowls at dinnertime that i took away their bowls and sent them to crying WEE WEE WEE all the way home to their room.  run on sentences.

we headed out to Grandview corners because Kev's been stressing about GIftmas.  i took the opportunity to enjoy my time with them.
They were so cold i decided to get them a mini hot chocolate to share.  they looked adorable, standing outside the bright H&M window, their heads and cups pointing straight into the sky.

sigh.  as mentioned in previous post(s), chloe has 4 pairs of boots and no shoes except for the hella cute gold kitty ones i got her that hurt her feet.

"hurt in there" - is what she says whenever i suggest them.

sigh.  so of course the SINGLE pair of footwear among ALL THE SHOES she checks out in the entire kids' section is a pair of

HOT NEON PINK LACE-UP BOOTS with white furry lining
this is pretty much what they look like minus the signature Docs rubber soles/stitching
i couldn't.  and what's worst, i almost did.  then i decided to not be stupidly emotionally manipulated by this little princess, though it felt like someone had thrown my heart in a blender.

plus they were $35.  $35 for a FIFTH pair of boots when she has NO shoes.

so after i helped her try them on, get her to carry them around the store, bring them to the line up, convince her to exchange her pair for one that had a price tag, i ended up telling her NO.

i am the fucking devil.  please, throw tomatoes at me.  Tattoo "Asshole Mom" on my forehead.

we went next door to the Chapters aka "The Train Store", which happened to not even have the trains available for playing.  even after browsing and playing with all the toys, chloe harassed me about the boots the ENTIRE car ride home.

asshole mom.

do i get them?  ARGH.  do i just say "this is her boots phase" and roll with it?  it's going to be raining/snowing for the next 6 months anyway!  then everyone would be happy!  idk.

kev put the kids to bed.  thank god they were pooped from our late outing.  i invited M over to hit the patio and join me in watchin ghte last episode of all time of Gossip Girl.  i don't watch much TV, and it has been my ONE trash show that i love.  it's so good and so bad.  the perfect mix of salty and sweet.  IT WAS SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!  i was overemotional about it since i have been watching since i had moses 4 years ago.  thank you Caela for forcing the first season's dvd set on me and thank you to M for bringing me the McChicken i had been craving all day!

could not have thought of a better way to start off my holiday, the perfect way to unwind for the holidays.... HA!
i'm really please with last night's photobooth photos.  so glad they are posted and over with!

i didn't see how the kids went to bed.  i snuck over to take a peek.  kevin had made them a little floor bed since they have a weird thing for floor sleeping.  sigh, yes amidst a horrible horrible mess...
my darlings.  i did my nightly ritual of giving them hundreds of kisses all over their faces, hands and bellies, deeply and slowly inhaling and exhaling their individual scent.  delicious.

i've decided that for Christmas i am going to really make a huge effort to spend time with them.  they've had it rough with me these past few months, i don't want them to remember me this way.  Tired, always.  Busy, always.

i want to take them in.  let go of schedules and TO-DO lists. relax and allow myself to fully engage in their lives, to show them new things and listen to their thoughts.  i want to spend more time with them without having to worry about the house and all the other things that have taken priority over quality time with them.

i'm excited for this.

my little wonderful darlings.

i'm excited for the holidays.  excited to spend time with loved ones, to eat and drink and enjoy life.
it is a good life.


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