buzz goes the brain

i know that i already had a huge freak out last week.  i had another one this week.  i have a lot of things that i need to get in line.  i have things booked already and i need to stop taking on more.

Valentine's Session with Soleil and Nova

Charity Photobooth at Heritage Hall for a lovely Afternoon Tea for women with spinal cord injuries

Taking photos for Birthday Party

I still have to post the gallery for last weekend's family session.
Need to send out print orders for Valentine's Day.
Put together accordion book for Knight Family

I won't bore you with more of my to do list.
Basically, i'm working a 10 hour day with the kids, while trying to stuff in a 15-30 minutes here and there of my own work until they are in bed so I can start working full-tilt on my neverending list.  There is not enough time in one day for two fulltime jobs and pushing myself to accomplish my goals with high expectations is really turning me into a fulltime basket case.

My mom brain has never been worse.  At least when chloe was born and I was still breastfeeding, I was focusing on the two kids and not much else.  At the same time that I want to get a bunch of my photo/design/craft/art  done, I still want to maintain the same expectations of myself as a mom who puts time into food and spends (shamefully) at least 20 minutes a day one on one with each child.  I fail to have the house in order.

I have cried numerous times in the past three days just needing to let it out.  Today it felt like my face had been hit by a train.  Last night I was equally frustrated with myself and could not manage to find my phone.  For some reason, not being able to find my phone makes me feel like the most moronic and incompetent person on earth.  I know that it shouldn't, but it happens so often that it starts to eat at me.  It reminds me that my brain doesn't work.  It drives home the fact that I am failing.  I can't speak properly or carry on a simple conversation sometimes because my brain just drops off a cliff.  I just spoke with my sister the other day and after forgetting where I was going, I started another sentence that I also could not finish.  And I know this is because of my lack of sleep, the stress, and trying to take on more than I can handle.

I keep telling myself to write things down.  Sometimes it helps, if I can remember what I need to write down or remember that I need to remember to write things down.

I'm trying to potty train chloe.  She peed on the floor twice this morning while I was already deep in the depth of a depression funk.  Not because I am depressed about things that are happening, but because my body is reacting to the lack of TLC.  She started crying because her Pinky Pie My Little Pony was all wet.  I realized there was liquid all over the floor but no cup in sight.  FUCK.

we've been having a lot of cereal and banana for breakfast.

i know it is my responsibility to make sure i keep things that i do not want them to touch, out of reach and out of sight.  my house is an atrocity and to pick out a spool of thread from the countless piles of toys, papers, crafts, and clothes is like trying to find a needle in a haystack... until of course after 5 minutes of trying to calm myself in my bedroom I come out to see that moses has found that needle in the haystack and run it around the entire living room around the legs of the couch and numerous toys and then into his room around more furniture and toys.  oh and wait!  that thread is a different colour!  there were TWO spools of thread!

i should have put my paints away.  the first incident, moses took yellow paint and had painted over my entire sketch for the painting i'm working on; under the table; a yellow outline around the 8.5 x 11 sketch was half dried on the floor.  today, he took 4 different tubes and squirted huge samples on to my palette.  thank god it was on the palette.

chloe went to wash her hands after the 20th time i had asked her to wash her disgusting face and came out doing her bratty Terrible Twos shaky stompy dance crying to me that her chair was all wet.  they use their mini chairs as stools to reach the sink.  once again, i closed my eyes as i asked her if she had just splashed water all over it, knowing full well that she peed all over the chair.  FUCK NUMBER TWO.  and the pee had obviously streamed all over the floor.  all over the floor that i hadn't had time for so that debris was swimming in the lukewarm puddle of piss.

of course, there is the constant sibling battery.  there is moses on the floor hugging my leg while i am walking/talking on the phone.  there is moses CONSTANTLY hiding under the table or under my blankets doing things he knows he isn't supposed to.  i am REALLY hating this phase.  every damn time i am on the other side of the door, i cringe as i open it, knowing full well he is up to no good and will immediately scramble to hide whatever unacceptable activity he is engaged in.

feeling so raped of energy and patience and sanity, their voices are often more than i can take.  they are constantly asking me for food.  constantly asking me to look at the things they have made.  constantly making more and more mess as i continuously request they clean up one thing before taking out another.  i'm giving giving giving to them and i'm working working working.  i am last.  always last if at all.  me and the house, we are neglected hahahaha.

all i can say is thank you to everyone who has leant me their ear the last couple of days.  thank you for listening, for the encouragement and for the tough love.  so grateful for my support circle.  it is such a huge relief to talk to someone who loves you and also has a clear mind to offer advice and comfort.

this was not what i was expecting to write.  i need to wash the floor.  it's taken me two days to clear it enough to allow for washing.  then i need to finish this painting.  then i need to make buttons and a bowtie.  then i need to work on the family session photos.  i hope that's all i have to do today.

i'm ok.  i can do this.


  1. Breath, Mama, you can do this!

    Write stuff down. Make lists. Figure out which things are a priority and which aren't, and bite off a little at a time. Give it all some time and space.

    Can't wait to see you next week. xo!

  2. (I can't spell breathe today, but you know what I meant :P)

  3. phanie your honesty over the wild times of motherhood/artist life is really great... you're doing amazing. i dunno if you've read this article yet but check it out:


  4. thanks lyndsay :)

    xoxox it's so good to know such a very graceful and lovely momma as yourself


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