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it's been an emotional weekend

i feel like i have gone off track here for the last while.  so focused on getting myself up and running that i have neglected those in my life that are so dear to me.  kevin has been so sweet and considerate.  i keep finding him on the computer/ipad and assume he's looking at cute animals or celebrity fashion on yahoo, when in fact he is usually going out of his way to find things for me he thinks might be helpful for the biz or for projects.  he listens.  he pays attention.  and it really blows me away.

being on the computer for hours, never getting into bed with him, and hardly spending any time together create a distance between us and he has found a way to build a bridge rather than float off into his own world.  he has shopped around for dollys, managed to purchase and make a flash sync cord (for my new light) for $10 instead of buying one online for $30 (plus s&H), and just the other day, he was looking through some pin-up magazines he thought i might like for posing.  he went to KMS yesterday for tools and found the dolly i wanted for a good price and picked it up.  he deserves more.

last night i asked him if he was seriously not upset about me not getting him a christmas present.  he laughed and said "not at all".  i pressed him a few more times and he responded that i was making him upset only by asking him repeatedly.  so, i need to take a break from all this work and get back to my own family.  focus on what's happening here in our small world.  this is what this blog was about when i started it and how i connected with people.

all of this is coming from a really bad past couple of days.  i'm pretty sure the surge of emotions is because i'm going to get my rag and the physical and mental exhaustion is from pushing myself harder with even less sleep than usual.  together, they have made one pretty nasty concoction and i found myself crying three times by the end of yesterday.

i am blessed to have such great friends in my life.  i should take it as a sign when almost every message or text from a friend starts with "....i know you're really busy, but.....".  thank you to cait who fed me like 3 times this week.  i can't repay you with food because you are a far better cook than i.  thank you to saara for her honesty and for coming over yesterday to talk and help me clean my horrible state of a house.  i know it's nothing for you, but after 3 days of hardly tending to the growing mess, it was everything to me that you helped me get it to a reasonable state.  thank you to renee whom i called later again for another pep talk.  thank you for telling me all the things i tell you.  for giving me perspective.  thank you to ainge for picking up the phone at 2am last night when i couldn't sleep with a huge ball of anxiety in my chest, for making me laugh with your crazy shenanigans.

i had a great long talk with my sister too.  i wanted to cry so many times just because i wanted to be talking in person with her, missing her.  twice a year is not enough.  thank you for making even that possible for us.

i feel like i just need a day to do nothing.  to relax.  to walk outside and get fresh air and breathe.  to not even have a day to run 100s of errands or even socialize, but just to be quiet and at peace.  to reflect and gain some clarity.  sigh.  i don't know when i'll get that time, but renee and matt have offered to take the kids wendesday evening so kevin and i can have some time together to see  A MOVIE.  we haven't seen a movie together since Inglourious Bastards in August 2009.  Yup.  it's been that long.

i need to stop taking on so much work.  i need to learn to say no.  i need to have better follow through, to get back to people when i say i will.  and to get back to them right away before i forget.  i need to make my to do lists and actually go over them and prioritize things so that i don't wake up the next morning in a panic making birthday presents that need to be ready in 1.5 hours because i spent 3 hours the previous night working on something else with a further due date.

my mind is on overdrive.  i need to keep things at a reasonable level so i have more space to be mindful of all the good things, all the little things that are happening right before me.  these guys are growing to fast and this is the best part, the easy part...


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