emotional creature

is it because i'm a cancer that i am so goddam emotional?
can an out of control neurosis be genetic?

i don't know why i buy into astrology but i always have.  my sister in law is huge into it.  she wrote up books for me when the kids were born of our relationship with one another based on our exact birth times with the alignment of the stars.

she has a huge book of birthdays and descriptions of personality.  i remember going through it with a full on skeptical mind, but everytime i flipped to another person's birthday my mouth would just drop in shock of how accurate it was.  in some instances, i felt like i actually learned MORE about the person i was reading about, as if the description had revealed the mysteries behind their ways.

anyway.  it's been a very emotional last couple of days for me.  i have felt so dazed and dislocated.  completely disoriented to the point where i woke up one morning, and with my eyes closed, had no idea where i was.  it was as if i had been transported through the past 15 years of my life... as if i had just watched my entire life on fast forward out of order...  for a moment, i felt like i was back at my parents' home in my old bed and i didn't know who i was inside.

spring is approaching.

it is weird how we celebrate the new year in january.  i don't know if it was when my true conscious stream began, but i feel like age 10 was the first time i really started tapping into my emotional self.  since that age, i have always felt the onset of March as being a huge turning point in the year.  afterall, Spring is all about new life blossoming and the beginning of warmer weather.  it just seems natural that our hearts and minds would coincide... like every other year, i feel both excited and afraid of what is to come, what the next 365 days will bring til this feeling settles in again.

i just put chloe down for her nap.  literally.  physically.  often i throw her in with her 50 blankets, give her a quick hug and kiss and escape for my first breath of air since waking up.  today, i laid down with her.  everytime i lifted my head to give her kisses, she smacked my face down to stay beside her.  i gave in.  i opened my heart and let all of her just flood me.  i wrapped my arm around her little belly and buried my face in her back/neck/hair.  our bodies descended into a cozy ball of warmth as her breathing slowed into deep waves.  i can't tell you the last time she fell asleep in my arms.  the tears came.  i could feel her chubby little feet gently pushing on my knees in our spoon position.  my heart aching harder and harder, acknowledging the fact that she would be just that little bit older after this nap.   that she would be another day older tomorrow and the next and the next.  and just as fast as these two years have raced by, the next two will be over just as fast.

i am so aware of my difference in parenting.  it is not conscious.  i am still trying my best to even the score.  moses has been going through new phases and i can't decide if it's the difference in treatment or if it is just phases.  i wonder if it makes it worse.  i wonder which came first.  and either way, how do i stop the vicious cycle?  he is my star.  he is the king.  my trust is in him.  he has proved himself worthy and so it is only natural for me to continue this relationship.  i don't know why so many of us are so hard on the first child.  perhaps it is because it is so much work to bring up kids, that part of being the first is to unload some of that responsibility and stress onto the older sibling?  they ARE older.  they DO know better.  still... i see the unfairness.  i am trying to be harder on chloe, but lately, in this stage of training her to clean up her own mess, i end up running into my room pulling my hair out and hating the hell out of being a parent.  I already trained moses!  Once was enough!   i definitely think that is a contributing factor in being lazy with subsequent siblings.  I fucking did it already!  Moses knows how to do it, so let him be the example...  not fair.  i know, older siblings, i know.  i'm trying though.  

i am pleased to say kevin had a wonderful weekend with the kids.  he spent a lot more time with them, chloe in particular, and he is feeling a lot better about himself.  for the past while, he had been down on himself as a parent.  yes, he had a little more sleep on average over the weekend, which didn't hurt, but i feel like he pushed really hard to fight his way out of his usual parenting routine to better connect and relate with them.   i am elated.  i am so proud of him and so so happy that he is feeling both closer with the kids and riding that feeling of accomplishment.  it's a good place to be.  i'm so grateful that he does have a healthy relationship with them and that i don't have to nag him about spending time with the kids.  he is in the thick of it for those few hours in the evenings after his long day at work.  i know it's hard for dads who just want to come home and eat and turn off for the evening, nevermind feeding, entertaining, bathing, clothing, brushing, calming, story timing and demanding over and over GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.  even if this is their relationship with him monday to friday, they'll remember in their older years that he did take care of them and spent that time together while mom was in her cage.

he has been so great which is wonderful except that it makes me feel like a total crumb.  he has continued to make awesome dinners while i plug along.  i can't get my head in the food space!  breakfast and lunch are as much as i can handle while juggling the kids, the home, and work.  by the time dinner comes around, i am done.  i feel like a horrible wife.  i have been feeling even worse lately since lindsay's when she told me how Neil had been ordering her all these cute vintage glasses that arrive every month out of nowhere after having broken one.  i do nothing for this guy.  he does everything for me.  and i am still hard on him.  i think back to what i used to do for him and i want to scratch my eyes out because even in our teenage days, i was the worst gift giver ever.  i am on a mission to come up with something creative and thoughtful that requires little/no budget.  the less of a budget required and the more creative the better...

speaking of which

i just made a list of 5-6 creative projects that i want to start up.

1.  moved our junky shoe storage situation into a shelf,  a plain white ikea shelf.
2. FRIDGE MAGNETS.  i've been making magnets for other people when really i have the worst magnets on the face of this earth.  they are eye sores.
3. fairytale mini shelf
4. felt board
5. set up organizational station for our crap corner on the counter

on top of feeling like a lousy wife, i have been feeling like a lousy friend.  "neurotic".  my mom openly admits to being neurotic.  she is.  my sister is neurotic/ocd in a completely different way.  they both admit to it and don't care because it's just the way they function.  and now it's my turn.  my neurotic nature is taking over as i become my mother more and more every day.  i eat toast like my mom.  i laugh like my mom.  i get excited and talk loudly like my mom.  i know i don't know everything, but when a situation comes up and is open to my opinion, i talk like i know everything... like my mom.  i am generous like my mom although people may not always want the things i bring.  i have this really annoying facial expression in response to my husband's unimpressive comments like my mom.  i could go on forever.  i could probably dedicate a blog solely to how i am like my mom.

but right now, it's my neurotic nature that has been causing rifts between me and one of my close friends and making me feel super embarassed and frustrated.  it doesn't help that facebook feeds into my anxiety ridden neurotic and paranoid facets.  can i even say "facets" or does that not work?  sorry.

i'm trying to chill myself out.

i have also been told off hand this weekend the i am judgemental.  that one was equally as surprising and yet so obvious as when ainge told me that when i am drunk i become violent and when nads referred to me as the relationship nazi.  i swear i get this from my mom... whom i love and accept with every fiber of my being!  nobody is perfect.  moms are people too!  but now after 30 years, i need to fight this because it really isn't that sort of person i want to be known as... even if my friends and family accept me for it!!!!

so i'm not feeling great about myself right now.

i'm riding a lot of highs and a lot of lows.  business is good.  slow and steady, the perfect pace.  i'm really trying to discipline myself with this cleaning and organizational business.  i keep thinking about how ironic it is that kevin and i put so much effort into creating beautiful things while our house simply deteriorates into a discheveled hell.  you would never know we were capable of our work based on our home situation.

anyway.  i think that's most of the shit that has been weighing me down.  thanks for reading if you made it through.  hopefully it helped if you are having your own personal turmoils.  if not, at least you know that behind all the photos and all the good times, that i am indeed very human.

so very very human.


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