sleep walking

some people should be exempt from daylight savings.

mom brain:  lack of sleep.  long days.  repetition.  anxiety.  emotion.

the days just disappear.  they might have happened.  it's just another day.

another day of trying to hold onto the sweet moments sprinkled throughout that long exhausting day of serving, reprimanding, molding, loving, changing, comforting, teaching, encouraging, cooking, feeding, trying to feed, cleaning and doing your best to not cut your ears off in hopes of shutting off the constant whining and crying...

how do you hold onto these moments?

you catch those moments and you watch them and you press that record button in your head and make a copy of it to your heart and all the while you are pleading inside "please remember this" even though you know the chances are 1 in a million that it will actually stick...

and so i take photos.

because when you ask me how my weekend was, i won't be able to tell you.  i can't remember.  i'll need a few minutes to collect my thoughts and logically backtrack to what seems like a few years ago.

as it is habit for me, i continuously go back into my head and think about when they were first born.  what was that like?  how did it go so fast?  what do i remember?  i am minutes away from jumping off that baby/toddler ship and into the next ship of motherhood.  i will soon be aboard this new ship, waving to the other mothers still with infants or little ones just learning to walk and talk.  my heart whispering bon voyage....

i'm grateful that i am leaving and yet so very very sad.  it's like leaving elementary for highschool or highschool for college.  i've waited all this time to get the hell out, but now that this time is quickly approaching, i'm terrified and find myself mourning the end of that exhausting yet very tender and precious chapter of my life.

just like that.

there is no book on how to be a mother.  you learn through mistakes.
we are the blind leading the blind with bags under our eyes, toys and crackers in our purse, and the constant hope that we are doing our best

everyday i have to ask myself...

did i do a good job?  
did i do the best i could?  
was it good enough?

every day, the answer is no.  because you can never do a good enough job.
but every morning, without fail, you will have the opportunity to try again.
no matter how bad yesterday was.  you have to get up and try again.
no matter what horrible stage they are going through.  you have to do it all over again.
and again
and again
and you have to try to be better!

be more patient.
be more kind.

be more. be more. be more.

forever. and ever.

i'm sorry for all of these super emotional posts.

there is so much to do.  ALWAYS.
and i am trying to sleep.
i am trying.

i know that sleeping is going to help my memory.
i know it will help the permanent blur that brushes over my memory.

i wake up feeling like i just partied all night, disoriented and aching.

we had cereal.  TWO KINDS!
it took me forever to get us out of the house, as usual.
and as usual, by the time we were ready, i just wanted to pass out on the couch.
i'm glad we got out.  it was a lovely and mild day.

we went to Deifenbaker to feed the ducks and play in the park
they waddled up from the pond to the fistfuls of free food
chloe's throw needs a bit more practice
 the ducks were too afraid to come eat the piles of puffed rice within her 3 foot radius

 another little girl came along and helped chloe
momo joined in the fun.  much less timid.
much less timid!
he was just a baby once upon a time, you know.
he'll be 4 this coming may.

more and more, i think about my mom.  i think about how i feel.  i wonder how she felt.
on days like these where we just go and hang at the park, it feels like an echo from when she was taking us to the parks.  i feel like i am her.  i feel like i am in her shoes, caring endlessly for these two little people that require so much love and attention (not to mention my sister who was entering tween-hood...)  my heart aches and overflows at the same time, thinking of all that she sacrificed for us, knowing she gave all she could every single day.  the same shitty diapers, the same food, the same refereeing of fights every 10 minutes...   i understand why she snapped sometimes.  now, i know why.  she was our mom and she was human...

i need to be gentler with myself.
i hope i am a better mom tomorrow.


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