Nothing compares, Nothing compares to you

i'm spending more time with kevin.  it's only been in the last 2-3 months that i have been able to crack through the last layer of EARLY MOM PHASE.  becoming a mom you gain a bunch of weight and it takes every mom a different timeframe to lose that weight.  i feel like i have run my first marathon of momhood.  this last layer of skin seemed to hold back on my ability to open myself as a "full person" again, to the person whom i was before i found out i was pregnant.  i was still not able to initiate any physical affection, no hugs or kisses for long periods of time.  it was as if that last layer of skin was the "you're not perfect" layer.  although i feel like i have been a lot more confident in myself and at peace with my body for a while, i wasn't sure how to live life without that last layer.  it took a lot of time to take off every layer of physical, emotional and mental adjustment that came with having the two kids fairly young and back to back.  i could be without that soft, cozy and familiar cardigan.  i could.  but although it was worn out and ready for purging, there were good memories made and the nostalgia of that very challenging phase in my life was something i wasn't ready to release.

but now i'm spending more time with kevin.  and it's great.  i feel comfortable in my body and person to embrace him and tell him i love him.  it was scary, i would sometimes wonder if i would never be able to be affectionate again.  perhaps its because the kids are just old enough now that they can entertain one another and help one another.  i am needed just that tiny bit less by them.  and maybe that was just enough freedom to afford me time with my husband who has been permanently set at Number 2 on the priorities list for the passed 4 years.  he now gets time and it's been so amazing spend time with him and enjoy his company and remember why we were together in the first place!  HA!

so that's where i am at as a Momhead.
anyone else at a significant phase/stage in Momhead?

this weekend was crazy.  i am going to to be very honest.  i didn't want to do anything that i ended up doing this weekend.  i was feeling like a super ball of crap.  i wanted to cry.  i wanted to be selfish and i wanted to be queen for the weekend.  and then i felt bad for wanting to be selfish.  and then i felt like instead of being selfish despite being SO FUCKING GODAM EXHAUSTED i should just shut up and make it a great mother's day weekend for other moms.

friday we were supposed to play with the Wolzen-Hasties.  em was feeling rough around the edges so rain checks were made.  Jade ended up texting me last minute, FINALLY taking me up on my offer to take care of SoNO while Jade worked.  Jade, i did not want to do this.  my back was killing me and i had stayed up late blogging two SCHOOL nights in a row and i wanted to die.  of course i said yes, because i love you and you have cut our hair and made us feel amazing at the end of day 25 of working a full day making others feel amazing and taking care of your two little girls.  of course i would help you.  thank god i felt a million times better by the time we had to sit because i was terrified of how i was going to carry Nova around with aching shoulders.
 fate was kind.  i ended up having a great time with the kids!
  i had no responsibilities or things to take care of other than entertaining the kids.  i wasn't even at home to clean up.  we went to the park and i just fell in love with them watching them play together and enjoy one another's company.  it still just makes me feel crazy to know that we have known each other since we were kids.  i don't know how many of you have friends you have now whom you've known since your early school years that have kids the same age, but it's insane.  i had always been good friends with robert through my entire elementary years.  i used to call him every sunday to ask him if he was watching The Simpsons back in the early 90's.  of course, at that point i probably had a crush on him...me and every girl in our class.  and to know that Jade was there throughout our entire highschool romance.  it's crazy seeing our kids play together.  they are a year off being the age we were when we first met in Kindergarten.

we had dinner together at Pho An Nam.  people who love pho are cool people.  sorry.  it's true.  enjoying pho is pretty special.

saturday was renee's baby shower.  i was stressed because i have had no time in addition to being horrible at prioritizing and i didn't have a gift nor any idea what to get AND it would mean day two of skipping chloe's nap.  i couldn't NOT bring the kids to one of their favourite babysitter's house! #ftn (fuck the nap).

the party was small and so so lovely.  very renee.  a very casual and chill couple of hours with some great ladies and yummy snacks while constantly giggling at renee's splayed legs.

the kids had a good time although moses did have multiple Moany Moments.  chloe is in a phase where everyday she is surprising me with her language and thought processes and social interactions.  i don't even know what to expect these days, she keeps upping things a notch.

we raced back home for dinner.  Jade would be coming over to fix a botch job on Ty's hair and then have dinner with us.  kevin made a great dinner complete with another gluten-free pie!  i was so happy to have them over as Jade had a rough day and both she and Nova were fighting a fever.  i know it would mean so much for me if friends just said "hey, come over so i can feed your face." after having a rough day and anticipating a long sleepless night... and the day before Mother's Day!
today, sunday, was mother's day and Hanna's birthday party.  because i was feeling so selfish, i really did want to keep the day for myself.  then i would feel like a jerk because i love Hanna P.   she was the only other baby born that i knew at the same time as Moses.  Taryn was the first mom i knew before we had our babies.  not to mention, we didn't even have any plans for mother's day!  really, what was i expecting even if i had the day to myself.  god knows i'd be at home so chloe could nap and i would feel miserable cleaning the house.   once again, like the two days before, today was totally totally awesome.
Taryn refilled mimosas for all the moms all afternoon while the kids played, ate food off the patio, beat the shit out of a Pinky Pie piñata, played Stick-the-tramp-stamp-on-the-pony, fought, cried, blew bubbles, played house, ate candy, laughed, begged for more cake and sang happy birthday to miss Hanna P. 
it was a perfect afternoon with moms that i haven't had the chance to spend time with in a long time.  lovely faces i have missed and others whom i know largely through the internet.   this mother's day weekend was a wake up for me to slow down.  my brain has been so focused on work that i haven't allowed enough time to put first all the moms that have supported me for these rough few years and whom have filled my life with so much love and laughter.  so many late night or early morning texts exchanging tears over our challenges.  our arguments, our feelings of inadequacy, feeling of guilt and frustration, our permanent state of running on empty while being pushed through new stages of toddlerhood every week with STILL no fucking guidebook on how to parent, and so on.

this weekend was great.  for every feeling of frustration and impending disappointment, i was rewarded 100 fold the joy that came from supporting and being there for my moms for mother's day.  i was reminded of how lucky and grateful i should be to be surrounded by the best of the best.  i really couldn't have asked for a cooler group of momfriends if i tried.  and that's not just because they have sweet tattoos or love eating pho.

thank you to both all the moms i had the pleasure of spending time with this weekend and to all the other mommas who have become part of our lives.  i don't know where i would be today if not for all the love, support and good times we have shared over these last few years.  this is such a special time in our lives with our young families and it has been enriched largely by sharing it with all of you.  thank you for your sense of humour and for your ability to accept me for mine.  for the dick emoticon battles.  for the"shitty-things-i-wish-i-could-say-to-my-kid battles.  for indulging in ignoring our children at the park with me.  for listening to my melodramatic soliloquys on a weekly basis.  for making me food and buying me teas.  for inspiring me to be a better mom by watching you love and raise your little ones.  for supporting me in following my dreams and contributing to my success.  for reminding me to love myself.  for accepting me, forgiving me and loving me through all my failures as a friend and horrible homemaker.  for your company, your kindness, your generosity and understanding when i am not at my best.  without all of this, i'd be on a lot of meds.

i love you all so very very much.

happy mother's day everyone





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